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They could have been strong contenders for one of the finest Jerry Springer shows ever. A woman accused of being a "psychotic mother", a 50-year-old whose tummy tuck went septic and new teeth fell out after a £200,000 ($566,000) makeover and a straight man duped by a "chick with a dick".
Some people's voices trembled while others talked of needing "closure" as they told their respective tales of woe to a host of camera crews. Jerry, no doubt, would have been frothing at the mouth.
Except the series of bizarre confessions were not for a reality talk show but aimed at highlighting the dangers of reality television itself.
The panel of nine "victims" met the press this week to convince them of just how misrepresented they had been in shows ranging from Trisha and Wife Swap to Super Nanny and Brand New You.
Not only were they seeking to put the record straight but their stories were also being passed off as "art" by Phil Collins, this year's shortlisted Turner Prize nominee who had convinced this tragic troupe to re-tell their tales at a media conference, which in turn, was being filmed by Collins for a future video installation.
Collins' shortlisted work at Tate Britain's Turner Prize exhibition comprises a video installation of former TV show participants from Turkey who speak about being misrepresented, alongside a fully functioning production company seeking to find their British counterparts.
After months of research, these nine people's stories can be seen as Collins' artistic work in progress. "This group of people were very difficult to find. We were looking at something that is rarely able to articulate itself. The people before you are experts. They have been through a process which none of the rest of us have done," said Collins.
Jan, a mother who felt her family had been grossly misrepresented as out-of-work travellers in an episode of Wife Swap, kicked off the proceedings by railing against the ethics of the production company that spent 2 1/2 years working with her.
"My husband works freelance but the voiceover said 'even though the children are going without, he refuses to work'. On two occasions, they delayed filming - on one of those occasions, he was working and on another, they said they would pay him not to work. The other family was portrayed as doing a lot of work. They went about trying to prove their own agenda," she said.
Lindsay was next, and her gripes were angled at the production team that took her to Los Angeles for a £200,000 plastic surgery package for a show called Brand New You.
"When I was a 50-year-old, I was going to get a facelift in South Africa. I applied for the show and got picked. I went to LA and was given a contract the night before. Four days later, I had a full facelift, six days later I had a tummy tuck and that's when things started going wrong for me. I was in pain. I had 300 stitches in my tummy and four days later, I had to have my hair done, which meant sitting for hours. Inside your stomach, you have tubes and you can hardly walk. They told me in two days, you're having your liposuction. I was thinking 'there's no way'. Later I found out I had an infection but didn't find out its name for seven months because they wouldn't tell me," she said.
Lindsay added that when she returned to Britain, the dental work proved shoddy - with several teeth breaking or falling out - and she discovered she now needed to wear glasses for perfect vision.
Claire spoke of the film company that attempted to pit her against her mother-in-law for a show called Take My Mother in Law under the guise of making a documentary about women's attitudes, which left her crying in her bed, while Kerry expressed her anger at the Super Nanny crew - who she had drafted in to help her with her 10-year-old son - for portraying her as "some psychotic mother".
"The reality TV shows don't prepare you for what happens, the way people judge you. It changed my life forever and it was probably the worst episode of my life," she added.
Lynda's life had been ruined by a band of TV researchers who pressured her into taking a lie detector test on the chat show, Trisha, while George's autistic son was left "completely withdrawn from people" after being inaccurately portrayed as a "terror teen".
Sue's appearance on a show called This is the One where scientists assess the compatibility of couples led to a split with her boyfriend after she was presented as "desperate to get married, which scared him off, bless him", and the experience had left her "unlucky in love", she said. Gillian meanwhile, put a brave face on her agoraphobia - triggered by her TV ordeal - while she told of being taken to Miami by the TV crew for a weight loss programme for a show that she thought was going to be called Family Way In but was later changed to the more explicit, Florida Fat Busters.
Marc presented the story Jerry Springer would perhaps have died for - he was picked for a show after answering an advert asking for five male contestants who would be whisked off to a luxury setting in the Mediterranean, with the possibility of winning £10,000, and the chance to spend some time with a glamour model. "I knew there could be a catch but I didn't know what," he said.
As it turned out, the catch was Miriam, the glamour model, who turned out to be a pre-op transsexual.
Everyone agreed it was cathartic to put the record straight but were they now being exploited by Collins and was this even art?
Jan was quick to run to Collins' defence. "I don't understand a sheep in a box, but this reflects life." Yes, agreed Claire, "The story today is the reality of reality TV shows." The disgruntled reality contestants had spoken.
- INDEPENDENT
