The many mangled tongues of Bush

ROGER FRANKLIN on the curious half-wit and wisdom of George Dubya.

NEW YORK - What is it about Republican Presidents and the English language?

Poor old Ronald Reagan at least had the excuse of age and encroaching Alzheimer's disease when he confused carbon monoxide with carbon dioxide and accused trees of polluting the atmosphere.

But how do you explain George W. Bush? At 52, he is relatively young and probably not half as dopey as aides to the vanquished Vice-President Al Gore kept whispering to reporters before, during and after the election that refused to end.

Still, it is easy to think otherwise once you have heard him speak.

What sort of man, for example, could come up with these gems: "I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully," he told a group of anglers.

And then there was the immortally daffy, "I know how hard it is to put food on your family" - just not fried fish, presumably, and only if those small people he has called "kidrens" stop "mobilating" and stand still for long enough to lay a good-sized dab of nourishment on their tousled heads.

The soon-to-be President's countless verbal gaffes do not seem to worry his supporters, who have actually tried to make a virtue of them. It is better, they say, to have an honest but tongue-tied man in the Oval Office after an oily customer like Bill Clinton, who seemed to believe his own slick whoppers even when nobody else did.

All the same, Bush's oral accidents can raise a worried frown at times.

Indeed, if taken at face value, all Americans should now be fearing for their lives in the light of what he said to defend his fondness for capital punishment in Texas.

"I'm not sure 80 per cent of the people get the death tax," he began. "But I know this: 100 per cent will get it if I'm President."

As a policy for ending unemployment, the mass execution of the country's citizens could certainly work - unlike his proposal to have "IRA agents" collect revenue when agents from the Internal Revenue Service would undoubtedly do a better job.

Regarding the type of person he deems fit to serve in his Administration, Bush has his mind made up. They will be, he solemnly pledged, "decent men and women ... who will not stain the house." Actually, after Monica and Bill, an Administration composed of folks who refrain from depositing bodily fluids on rugs and little blue dresses might make a pleasant change.

Regarding his diplomatic agenda, he is on record as supporting a "foreign-handed foreign policy," which no doubt reflects his resolve to tackle "globic issues."

He wants "good relations with the Grecians," and has also promised to keep a close eye on those "East Timorians" and "Kosovians." As for Slovenia, Bush expressed his great fondness for that country to a visiting journalist who, unfortunately, hailed from Slovakia.

When it comes to spreading prosperity, he intends to "make the pie higher," perhaps by answering the question that has been stumping technophiles ever since he posed it back in January: "Will the highways of the internet become more few?"

For mum-and-dad businesses, the problems of making a buck can be immensely complicated. But not to worry, Bush's on their side.

"I understand small business. I was one," he explained.

Education was a big issue during the campaign and here, once again, Bush knows his credentials are sound.

"As Governor of Texas I have set high standards for our public schools - and I have met those standards," he said. But in other parts of America, he urged parents to ask themselves, "Is our children learning?"

Schools might also produce better citizens, he asserted, if the country had a President who did not insist on shackling educators "with the federal cufflink." People who think otherwise are motivated by "negative revenge," which is probably why so many of his critics "take the high horse and then claim the low road."

Perhaps Bush's remarks lose something in translation from the argot of the Lone Star state. Or maybe he was simply alluding to his former drinking problem when he spoke wistfully of his childhood home and recalled, "It was inebriating what Midland, Texas, was all about."

As for the guiding philosophy he will take to the White House, Bush gave a glimpse of his mettle to an Ohio voter in October: "If you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."

If that did not resolve any doubts about his fitness for the Oval Office, he was candid when telling his countrymen what to expect of a Bush Administration: "I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."

And finally, just to settle doubts, Bush had this to say about the degree of commitment he will bring to the task ahead.

"I do know I'm ready for the job. And if not, that's just the way it goes."

As that old Broadway show tune says, the country's in the very best of hands.

Herald Online feature: Election aftermath

Map: final results across the USA

Bush-Cheney transition website

Transcript: The US Supreme Court decision

Transcript: The US Supreme Court oral arguments

Diary of a democracy in trouble

Electoral College