Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of Donald Trump

I never groped Wednesday. Photo / AP

MONDAY

Someone once said, "I don't like Mondays." Let me tell you something. I don't either. I have a plan for Monday, which, by the way Hillary, claims is the day between Sunday and Tuesday. Wrong.

Monday moves around a lot. Sometimes it's at the start of the week, to give Hillary credit. But other times it will show up mid-week, or at the end of the week, and if you do due diligence on it, and here's some fact-checking for Hillary and her team, sometimes Monday doesn't show up at all.

So what you're left with is a six-day week. Productivity falls, and it's just a terrible, terrible thing.

Hillary will tell you she has experience with Monday but it's a bad experience. Let me tell you something. I have good experiences with Monday. I've experienced so many Mondays throughout the past year, and on the campaign trail, and I regard Monday as a friend.

A special friend. A dear friend. And so don't believe Hillary when she tells you, "Oh, Donald doesn't care about Monday." Lies. It's all lies. I have never said I don't like Mondays.

TUESDAY

I am going to blow the hell out of Tuesday.

The world is laughing at us about Tuesday. Everyone is doing something about Tuesday - Assad is doing something, Putin is doing something, and by the way I am not friends with Putin, I wouldn't know Putin if he walked in right now and said, "Hi, Donald, how's it going, good to see you again," but if he did I wouldn't snub Putin, I wouldn't ignore Putin, I'd recognise him as an equal because let's face it the two of us are equally capable of anything.

And that includes taking action on Tuesdays. Hilary will talk about Tuesdays until it's Wednesday and by that time Tuesday's gone. Tuesday's just a memory. We have to face up to Tuesday and not blame it for whatever happened on Monday.

Now I know that Tuesday has its critics. But let's be clear about this. Every day is a good day, including Tuesday. No one has more respect for Tuesday than I do.

WEDNESDAY

I never groped Wednesday.

Have you seen Wednesday? Come on. Saturday - well, Saturday is a perfect 10. I will reach out and grab Saturday every time. Sunday's a class act, too. But not Wednesday. I wouldn't be seen dead with Wednesday.

But you know where this is coming from, don't you? Hilary is spreading lies about Wednesday. Fiction. Fiction and lies. She's making it up. Let me tell you something.

There is no Wednesday.

THURSDAY

Thursday's debate went pretty well, I think.

FRIDAY

Friday is hanging by a thread.

But if you twitch it, there's signs of life. There's signs of hope. You must never underestimate the will of the American people to put their trust in Friday.

Someone once said, "Thank God it's Friday." Well, here I am. I am Friday. God has sent me here as your chosen Friday. So thank God for me.

Forget the other days of the week. What did they ever do for you? They are very nasty days. They should be locked up. They should be taken out and shot. Let's rewrite the calendar.

The media are going tell you, "Friday's finished. it's the end of the week."

Wrong.

Friday knows that the weekend is rigged. Friday is not prepared to accept Saturday. Friday is where it stops.

Come to think of it Friday is where it starts.

Friday is the new Monday.