Gerry McCann said he has 'painful' dreams about Maddie who vanished in 2007. Photo / File
Gerry McCann said he has 'painful' dreams about Maddie who vanished in 2007. Photo / File
Madeleine McCann's father insisted she is still alive and he will give her a cuddle when they are reunited in a tearful interview yesterday.
Gerry McCann revealed he has 'painful' dreams about his little girl who was just three years old when she disappeared in 2007 during a family holiday in Portugal, reports The Daily Mail.
The surgeon, 50, said it was "just a feeling" and an "instinctive reaction" that he will see his daughter again.
"I just want to hug her and hold her and cry... a lot," he sobbed.
Mr McCann also revealed that he and wife Kate also had to cope with the guilt of having left Maddie.
"I couldn't get the darkest thoughts out of my mind. We felt guilt that we were responsible for allowing someone to steal our daughter," he said.
"We gave someone an opportunity. We let her down. I was sure she had been abducted."
In an emotional BBC Radio 4 interview the eminent cardiologist told of his own battle with mental health, being "completely distraught and feeling helpless" in the early days of his daughter's disapearance and the 'shock, horror, panic and terror' as he felt trapped in the darkest tunnel.
At times during the rare and powerful broadcast Mr McCann openly wept - the first time he has publically shown emotion since Maddie was snatched during a family holiday nearly eleven and a half years ago which turned his life into "like something out of a horror movie."
The show was broadcast a day before Scotland Yard's funding for the Maddie hunt is due to run out.
Whilst Met Police have requested more money from the Home Office to keep their search going it has not yet been approved.
Reliving the trauma of the night his daughter went missing and the following months as he and Kate fell under suspicion he told how they had been "paddling furiously above the water trying to keep afloat but so close to drowning." adding: "We were just crumbling."
And even today Mr McCann still suffers and is haunted by nightmares although he admits 'people help you and time makes the pain ease'.
He told in the hour-long drama "Pearl: Two Fathers Two Daughters" of recent dreams about Maddie - he has no idea is she is dead or alive - revealing: "They are not as frequent but they are painful when it happens. I thought about it early on, if Madeleine was still, is still alive."
He started sobbing: "I just want to hug her, to hold her to cry - a lot. Never a day goes by when I don't think of Madeleine. She was absolutely amazing and we had such an incredibly special relationship."
He described the early days after Maddie was snatched from the family apartment in Portugal's Praia da Luz as "like something out of a horror movie - like a nightmare"and he said the lack of information from the Portuguese police was "almost paralysing."
The heart doctor, who works at Glenfield Hospital in Leicester, confessed he found it difficult as a man to seek professional help to ease his anguish, saying: "I didn't think I would be the sort of person who would need counselling or respond to it."
It was his idea to go on holiday to The Algarve with friends and he recalled that ill fated night - May 3, 2007 - when Maddie disappeared, sparking the world's biggest ever missing child mysteries.
He said: "Kate came running back and raised alarm bells, saying 'Madeleine's missing, she's gone'. I said: 'She can't be gone'. I was completely in shock."
He scoured the apartment where Maddie had been left sleeping with her younger twin siblings Sean and Amelie "looking in the bedroom, checking everywhere even under the sink in the cupboards. It was disbelief, shock, horror and then the panic and terror."
Kate and Gerry McCann hold an age-progressed police image of their daughter during a news conference. Photo / Getty Images
After searching the holiday complex and outside in the streets the broken couple returned to their room 'absolutely distraught.'
Mr McCann said: "There was an overwhelming feeling of pain and helplessness. Every moment we couldn't find her it got worse and I remember being slumped on the floor.
"I called some of my family members and said 'Pray for her'. I wanted to believe there was a God.
"We were at the centre of a ripple of a tidal wave that was crashing down on all our family and friends as they heard the news."
He told of his frustration with the Portuguese Police that "nothing was happening" to find Maddie, who he feared could have been smuggled out of the country by car or boat.
He said: "It was devastating and no one was in control or giving us advise. I was expecting a Metropolitan type response.
"We couldn't eat or sleep, it was like a sickness with the fear and anxiety manifesting in physical symptoms, and we just cried."
In their darkest hours over the years Maddie's parents have turned to counsellors.
On the night she vanished one grief expert told the couple who were blaming themselves: "You sound like model parents".
Mr McCann, again sobbing, told the programme: "At the time that was something we really needed to hear."
Mr McCann also started questioning his faith, saying: "I found it hard with all those millions and millions of prayers and it hasn't had a better outcome. I find it very difficult to accept."
And when the police spotlight fell on them and they became arguidos - suspects - in their daughter's disappearance, he said they were "ripped."
He added: "It was impossible and unbearable, the whole journey was like something out of a horror movie, like a nightmare.
"I completely lost faith in the Portuguese police and there was an orchestrated media campaign that made us guilty and had a huge impact on us. We were struggling so much it was hard to support each other.
"It was touch and go and there were days when you felt you were going under."
At times Mr McCann said he felt he could see a light at the end of the tunnel which gave him a glimmer of hope amidst the despair - saying: "It would make the goal of finding Madeleine more achievable."
He said the twins helped keep them going and the "enormous support"from family, friends and members of public and Scotland Yard's investigation Operation Grange launched in May 2011 gave them "a new normality."
He clings onto a glimmer of hope Maddie - who would now be 15 - could still be alive.
Crying once more, he said: "My instinctive reaction is I feel we will be reunited at some point. I don't wish her dead. It's a terrible thing to say and it sounds cold but I can't live this way for 15 more years, drained and exhausted.
"You have your crutches, whether it be people or distractions, but you can't live without an ending n a day to day basis, it completely drains you."
He often wonders what life would be like with his eldest child around but insists: "We have to focus on being a family of four not a family of five."
He said: "I looks at Amelie and how she has developed and can't help think what would Madeleine look like and be doing. Anniversaries and birthdays are very difficult and occasions like the days she should have gone to school."
Mr McCann recalled fond memories of Maddie, the longed for child he and Kate had through IVF treatment.
As a baby suffering from colic he used to lay her on his chest and rub her back.
He said: "She used to pull the hairs on my chest and it was really painful but it seemed to ease her burden. I formed a really strong bond with her at a very young age."
They would often watch her favourite TV programme together Dr Who starring David Tennant 'sitting down in their little snug' and at other times he would observe her running around the garden with her brother and sister or going swimming.
He revealed her room at the family home in Rothley, Leicestershire, was "pretty much the same" with the bedding and stars on the ceiling and a wardrobe full of birthday and Christmas presents.
But he found it difficult having other people visiting it because it was like "defiling Madeleine."
