It has been more than 30 years since Khmer Rouge torturers pulled out Chum Mey's toenails and attached electrodes to his head.
Barely a day has passed without him thinking of the dark, awful days he spent inside a notorious jail in which thousands of people were interrogated, beaten and then sent for execution.
Often he wonders why he survived when so many died. "For all these years, the suffering and pain of the victims and myself has rung in my ears," he said.
But Mey is poised to take what he believes will be a vital step towards healing. Today, a court in Cambodia will deliver its verdict on the man who ran Phnom Penh's Tuol Sleng jail, from which some 16,000 people were sent to be bludgeoned to death at killing fields on the edge of the city.
Kaing Guek Eav, better known as Duch, is accused of war crimes and crimes against humanity. The 67-year-old ex-teacher, the first of five former Khmer Rouge officials to be tried, will almost certainly get a lengthy sentence.
Experts who have followed the process say the effort to bring Duch and his associates to trial has been a crucial, if difficult, undertaking. It has sent a message, they say, that such appalling offences will not go unpunished and is proof that justice, however slow, will eventually catch up with the guilty.
"For Cambodia, it's going to have a positive impact regardless of what the sentence is," said David Chandler, a leading expert on Cambodian history who has served as an adviser to the UN-backed tribunal. "Duch is the first important person to be tried in a court of law. It ends the impunity."
The Khmer Rouge - who swept to power in 1975 when their black-clad fighters ousted United States-backed Government forces from Phnom Penh - killed up to 1.7 million people through starvation, sickness or execution. In all, their Maoist-inspired revolution, designed to transform Cambodia into a classless, rural-based society, reduced the population by a quarter.
The proceedings at a specially built court complex on the edge of the capital have been broadcast live on several television channels. "We have also had more than 30,000 visitors out here," said Reach Sambath, a senior spokesmen for the so-called Extraordinary Chambers in the Courts in Cambodia (ECCC). "People have been very interested in what is happening."
Of the thousands who were sent to Tuol Sleng, only a dozen survived, and today just seven are still alive.
It is for this small group that the conclusion of the trial, which has seen Duch both beg for forgiveness and show contempt towards the dead, means the most.
One of them, Van Nath, an artist who last year wept when he gave evidence to the hearing and described how he and others had scratched in the dirt to find insects to eat, has ever since produced only harsh, dramatic images that recall scenes he witnessed at the prison or was told about.
For the 79-year-old Mey, a warm, friendly man who survived two years inside Tuol Sleng only for his wife and child to be murdered, it has meant visiting on an almost daily basis the torture camp-turned-museum that now stands as a deeply disturbing reminder of the darkness of which humans are capable.
Walking around the former classrooms, on the walls of which hang thousands of black-and-white images of those who were murdered, Mey will explain to visitors how and where things happened.
He will point out the narrow cell in which he was chained to the floor, the thick manacles he and the other inmates were forced to wear and, finally, the image of half a dozen shockingly emaciated men who were discovered by Vietnamese troops who invaded the city and uncovered the jail. The balding, slightly built man on the left is him.
"I feel a mixture of happiness and worry," he explained. "I'm happy because it's his fate, but I'm also worried about the decision made by the ECCC.
"I've been waiting for a just verdict. If the ECCC ever let him go free, I and other victims would never be happy. We want him imprisoned for life."
Though many questioned the wisdom of the trial, Mey said he believed the process had already had a big impact.
"It's what the other victims and I have been fighting for. This first trial will set the ECCC as a model for Cambodia and the whole world," hesaid.
"I can never forget my past, but I know we will have to move on, but with the just trial of Duch. His verdict will determine the future national reconciliation in Cambodia.
"Without it, other Cambodians and I cannot reconcile with the past. I'll be present at the court to see his fateful day."
THE TRIALS AHEAD
* Khieu Samphan A former Head of State,he was arrested after a stroke in 2007 and, along with the others, faces charges of war crimes, crimes against humanity and genocide. He insists he was not directly responsible for deaths.
* Ieng Sary The former Foreign Minister was leader Pol Pot's brother-in-law and studied with him in Paris. Though he was pardoned by the King of Cambodia in 1996, he faces trial for his part in co-ordinating forced labour and unlawful killings.
* Ieng Thirith Dubbed the Khmer Rouge first lady, she was arrested with her husband, Ieng Sary, in 2007. The former Social Affairs Minister is accused of planning and ordering purges and the murder of ministry staff.
* Nuon Chea Duch claims "Brother Number Two" Nuon Chea was "the principal man for the killings" under the regime. Lengthy interviews with him feature in a recent documentary about the Khmer Rouge, though how these affect the trial remains to be seen.
- INDEPENDENT
Khmer Rouge torturers face justice
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