Peter Bills: Little comedy in Navy plans

Once great maritime power rendered impotent by comical idea for aircraft carrier without aircraft

The news that Britain will build two new aircraft carriers but won't put planes on one of them to cut costs raises some intriguing ideas.

Leave aside for a moment, if you will, all those Irish jokes about the traveller asking for directions and being told, "Oi wouldn't be starting from here if oi were you."

I am quite sure British Prime Minister David Cameron would have preferred not to start his tenure at 10 Downing St from this position.

Even Cameron would probably have to admit that to build an aircraft carrier and then not put planes on it resembles a script from Blackadder rather than credible government policy. "An aircraft carrier without aircraft - who would have thought of that, Captain Blackadder?"

But actually, there is a twist in this tale which would be quite funny were it not so serious. Planes, American-built (of course) Joint Strike Fighter F-35s, will join the aircraft carrier - but not until 2018. So, as has been pointed out, if you are a country such as Argentina with sights on a disputed land such as the Falklands, you know that another invasion would probably be a good idea before 2018.

Not that I wish to spoil the evening meal of any Falkland Islands residents reading this online. But it surely makes sense.

In truth, all this makes about as much sense as Britain announcing in 1938 that it absolutely refused to countenance war and would do anything, absolutely anything, to avoid it in the face of Adolf Hitler's aggression and intent. That policy went up in flames the moment the Germans poured over the Polish border at 0445 on September 1, 1939. There is a danger this latest madcap policy might suffer a similar fate.

Nevertheless, the novel concept of an aircraft carrier without aircraft offers all kinds of intriguing ideas. That bit at the end where the deck slopes upwards to facilitate take-offs, could become a fantastic toboggan slide. Imagine clambering to the top, peering down at the crashing waves and then sliding at speed down the ramp back on to the deck. A wizard idea ... I have no doubt my 19-year-old fearless son would be first to volunteer his services to try it out.

And what is to be done with all that vast deck space in the coming seven or eight years? I mean, we're talking a huge amount of room. If we can get the thing ready by 2012, why not use the deck for cycling events at the 2012 London Olympics?

Or what about challenging the French to a boules competition, sailing out into the English Channel and letting loose 100 or so international competitors to do battle? Come to think of it, wouldn't it make a marvellous anniversary celebration if such a contest were staged on the carrier off Trafalgar, where Nelson defeated the combined French and Spanish navies exactly 205 years ago this very week?

Actually, to be serious, there is no humour in this situation. Not unless you find funny the sight of a once-great nation brought to its knees, and the mast of the once leading maritime power of the world lowered in simple and humble submission. Just what the likes of Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson might think about this, we can but imagine. Suffice to say, his views would almost certainly be unprintable in a family newspaper.

Nowadays, prowess on the waters in and around Britain largely comes down to who has the greatest physical and verbal threat on the local boating lake. The only Hardy you're likely to encounter is a name on a bottle of Australian wine and the only cooks are the so-called TV celebrities who eff and blind to amuse an undiscerning nation.

Ye Gods, that a once mighty British Empire should come to this. So what do you think, Your Majesty, can I ask you for a comment?

How the axe will fall:

Troops
Announcement - Within the next five years, the Army is to lose 7000 troops, the Navy will see personnel cut by 5000, some of them Royal Marines, and the RAF by the same number.

Verdict - The Navy, which has a total strength of 35,000, and the RAF, 38,000, have proportionately lost more personnel than the Army with 102,000. However after 2015 another 13,000 Army places may go.

Nimrod
Announcement - The Nimrod MRA4 maritime patrol aircraft will be scrapped.

Verdict - The spending review will save just under 8 per cent of the defence budget or about £3 billion ($6.3 billion). This is less than the £3.6 billion which is being written off by scrapping the Nimrod MRA4, which was due to come into service next year. The project exemplifies the absurdities of defence procurement. Nineteen were ordered originally, ultimately reduced to nine with the cost of each going up by 200 per cent.

Tanks
Announcement - The Army is to lose 40 per cent of its armour and heavy artillery.

Verdict - General Sir David Richards, who is taking over as the head of the military, had indicated he was prepared to lose some armour. This will amount to about 100 tanks and 200 armoured vehicles. The rationale is the UK no longer faces the massed armour of the Soviet Union.

Aircraft carrier
Announcement - Both proposed aircraft carriers are given the go-ahead.

Verdict - The project has been a bone of contention with the Army and Navy due to the enormous costs - estimated to be about £15 billion with aircraft and support ships. Both will now be built but only one will have aircraft, but not until 2020. The second will be put in mothballs while attempts are made to find a buyer. Meantime, Britain will not have any carrier cover.

Trident
Announcement - The life of the Vanguard class submarines will be extended and no decision taken on replacement until about 2016.

Verdict - With the Liberal Democrats long opposed to renewing Trident, what has emerged is a political fudge which has led to deep discontent in the Tory right with MPs accusing David Cameron of caving in to Nick Clegg's party.

Helicopter carriers
Announcement - One of the two helicopter carriers currently in service will be scrapped.

Verdict - The strategic advantage of remains unclear, especially as aircraft carrier cover will be lost for a decade. The helicopter carriers, a relatively low-cost alternative, would be useful in countering the risks detailed in the National Security Strategy, ranging from projecting British influence to dealing with natural calamities.

- Independent