KEY POINTS:
PM CONDEMNS ZIMBABWE'S POLL THUGGERY - Clark joins international calls for free and fair elections - Herald headline, June 23.
The Despot-in-Residence
Opulence House
Zimbabwe
Dear President Mugabe,
Oh, Robert. Robert, Robert, Robert. Buga me, what are we going to do with you? You're such a goose, Bob. Such a silly old duffer. You really haven't got this dictatorship thing sorted, have you?
No!!! You haven't.
That's why I'm sending you this letter (total cost of stamp and envelope - $562,000,000 Zimbabwe dollars).
Now, you're probably thinking it's not my place to offer you advice about anything, what with me being an evil, wicked, nasty colonial and all but, honestly, Bobby, somebody's got to give you a boot up the despotic derriere - to wake your ideas up.
See, Bubby, you don't need all this unpleasantness. You don't have to go ogre the top to rule the roost. You don't have to be an oppressive tyrant - at least, not the kind of oppressive tyrant you are being - to get your own way.
Forget the goon squads, Yobby. Forget the thuggery. Forget clinging to power by stuffing the ballots and gagging the opposition - well, maybe not gagging the opposition but, certainly, forget the rest.
They're not a good look, old fruit. Guaranteed to bring you international opprobrium. Which it has done.
Your friends have vanished - a bit like your enemies, really. Even Putin's not rootin' for you.
You've become a pariah, Mr Gonbame. People think you're Adolf with a tan. Or a no-mo Joe. (Mr Stalin, that is) But it needn't be like this, great looniness. There is an alternative.
Look, me old China plate, if you really want to rig an election; if you really want to get the result you desire, then you don't need a mad stare and an iron fist. You don't need repression and terror and locking folk up. You don't need to unleash your gangs.
You just need our Ministry of Justice. And you're welcome to them, petal. Take 'em. They're yours. Do with them what you will. They won't let you down.
I sense a furrow of bemusement upon your aged brow. So let me explain. The thing is, mighty lion of the urban jungle, there's more than one way to skin a cat, if you get my drift.
And no need to be a bully when you can be a sneak. See, Blob, we've got this issue here in Outer Roa. Smacking. And its dodgy, Bob. Dodgy.
Well, dodgy for the gummint, anyway. Something you'd understand all too well, I imagine.
Here's what's happened. Before the last election, our leader told people she wouldn't support any Bill that turned good parents into "criminals" by making a light smack illegal. Then, after the election, they passed one.
Yes, I know. That's what politicians do, Bob. You of all people would understand that.
The thing is, people didn't like it, Mr Gumbabe. Not at all. So they got this referendum going.
Couldn't get the numbers apparently - according to the bureaucrats. Then they did. And, hey presto, just when an anti-vote seems inevitable, along comes the Ministry of Justice and tells the PM there's "not enough time" before the election (date still unknown) to organise things.
Sorry, folks. The referendumb's off. Try again next year.
Gosh, it's not something important like rushing legislation through under Urgency to validate illegal election spending.
Printing a whole lot of referendum ballot papers is hard work. And we just know we can't do it in time - even though we don't know how much time we've got.
Besides, voting for things just confuses people.
The Prime Minister said so. In Parliament - you've got one of those, haven't you? Of course you have.
And she did. She said in Parliament people would get "confused" if they had to vote for two things instead of one. Their brains would get sore.
And that would be awful, Bob. Awful! It wouldn't be fair to the voters who're not ... umm, terribly bright.
But you'd know that, wouldn't you? Of course you would.
Oddly enough, great dictator, we used to have two votes every election. On liquor. Separate papers and everything. "I vote for Prohibition, a Continuance or State control."
Mind you, we're spending so much more on education now, it's no surprise we can't cope with that today.
And, I dare say, it would be the same in Zimbabwe. So, look, Bob, man to man, get with the programme!!
There's no need to tyrannise people when you can get the same result just by worrying about their welfare.
Tell 'em straight, Bob. Say, "There, there, my dears. We can't have you getting confused. That's no way to run a free and fair election."
And get our Ministry of Justice over there asap. With them on the case, you can guarantee there'll be no voting 'til halfway through next year. And, bingo!! The world will have forgotten by then, old fruit.
So, pip pip! Chin up.
And never forget: what you can't control, you can always delay - in the people's interest.
Yours sincerely,
A. Wellwisher
