Deborah Coddington: Celebrity adoptions are acts of vain peacocks

It was a fortnight when you wanted to turn from the newspaper and barf. And who would have thought causing the desire to vomit would be something Lockwood Smith and Madonna have in common?

First, a disclosure - I used to date Lockwood. Before you ask the obvious, I never even saw his abs. I wish I could still say that. The sight of Mr February the MP wearing nought but a budgie cover, alongside surf lifesavers, made me feel seasick. Is this what it takes to pull votes? We'll all feel better if we don't visualise his colleagues in copycat poses. Don Brash as Mr June with his singlet tucked into white Y-fronts; Rodney Hide in bike shorts; Gerry Brownlee in ... (That's enough grossness, Ed.)

Moving right along, then, to Madonna. What is it with these celebrities competing to show the world they really, really care by adopting African babies? Is there a catalogue they subscribe to, like Ezi-Buy, with photographs of babies from which they can choose? I imagine them lounging, eating peeled grapes, drinking hand-plucked organic tea, lectured by their personal stylists and perusing the internet for the latest must-have accessory. "Put a deposit on the Platinum, then refuel the jet, James - we may need to take a flight across hostile territory."

Madonna defended her actions by saying she had gone through the same legal channels as apply to every other ordinary person. She wanted to save one child from poverty and narrowed the short list down to 14 babies from Malawi before she chose baby David. And to prove to us ordinary people she's really into the culture, she had cameras film her jiving around with the natives.

She never mentioned love, bonding, the smell of babies; it was all about Madonna.

But alas, the Material Girl could not stay in Malawi long enough to carry her new baby home to England in her own arms. That job was given to one of her many minions, giving us a glimpse, I suspect, of baby David's future life. I doubt Madonna herself will do the boring mum things like endlessly retrieving toys flung from the highchair, shovelling mush into his clamped-shut mouth, toilet training, bedtime stories, and the seemingly endless nights of sick kids crowding Mum and Dad out of the double bed.

It's not as if the child's a genuine orphan. His father (who now says he was misled) used to visit David every day in the orphanage. He also has extended family.

Madonna could have followed John and Amanda Banks' lead; appalled at the cruelty of separating three Russian brothers and sisters, they adopted the lot from the orphanage and brought them home. But David's whanau don't fit the Madonna image.

My friends are appalled at my cynicism and churlishness, but in my opinion, these highly publicised celebrity adoptions are the actions of sick, vain peacocks. When are they going to grow up and get over their own promotion machines?

Madonna might be desperate to improve her slatternly image, but her latest purchase is simply human trafficking. If she was genuinely doing this for the child, why didn't she argue for suppression of all identifying details (herself included) to protect him - entirely possible in the circumstances. Was she really thinking about David, and how this adoption will affect him in the future? I doubt La Madonna thinks about anything except workouts, diet, clothes and cosmetic surgery.

These mega-rich do-gooders - Bono, Geldof, Brangelina - collectively have enough money to establish schools across Africa and give these children a good education. Or - probably a better way to start - hire assassins to rid these impoverished nations of the corrupt leaders responsible for their peoples' misery.

I'm told not to be so judgmental. Madonna paid millions of euros to improve the lives of other Malawi children living in poverty before she took David back to Britain. Oh, that's all right then. She paid a lot of money, so she must really care.

I wonder how this frightened boy felt, being taken from his homeland and father to a life of flashbulbs and fakery. If he'd been a white child, kidnapped from a crowded street, there'd be an outcry. Why when it's Madonna and she's rich do we hesitate to criticise? Is it the same syndrome that sees us turn a blind eye to white Westerners sexually abusing children in Sri Lanka - brown kids don't matter so much?

And when the novelty of African children has worn off, where next? New Zealand's organic and environmentally friendly image is attractive to these 21st-century hippies - they love our organic wine and produce, just one step to buying our children.

Pakeha babies will be safe - no thrill of the exotic there. But Maori should watch out for tamariki in single-parent families, like Malawi's David, lest they turn their backs and find them auctioned off to live in UK or US luxury.