Te Radar: In the end, spying is a dangerous game

If I were a governmental secret agent, I imagine one of the first things that would cause me to be both shaken and stirred (not necessarily in a patriotic manner) would be the moment that I was issued with a rectal pistol.

These little (hopefully) beauties were manufactured by the KGB for use by their operatives. As the name implies, they were designed to be hidden on - or to be more precise, in - the person.

I mention their existence only in light of recent Russian revelations that the British were caught in Moscow using a fake rock containing sophisticated data-transmission equipment for nefarious espionage purposes.

It is often the minutiae revealed by these stories that is of interest. The rectal pistol was mentioned as a throwaway line in a sidebar story about other kooky tools of the espionage trade.

I would quite like to have been at the meeting where the concept of this weapon was mooted. Surely the first thing that should have been suggested was that the gun be given a better name.

The rectal pistol is apparently encased in rubber, which is a mixed blessing since it smooths the surface while increasing the diameter. Nowhere was it mentioned if the pistols were issued accompanied by donut pillows.

Neither could I find answers to the following questions: Were counter-espionage agents forced to attend classes in Facing A Rectal Threat, or Fart?

Were Russians schooled in ass-assination techniques?

Would those who proved particularly adept at using these guns be known as "crack shots"?

Being armed with a rectal pistol would certainly add an amusing take to the old cliche, "This is a stick-up". I suspect those on the receiving end of that threat would barely be able to contain their mirth.

Nor would you want to be plagued by a spate of accidental discharges, although no doubt in a truly terrifying situation the removal of the pistol would not present too much of a problem.

All of this goes some ways towards explaining why Russian spies always came across as a tad tetchy.

Fortunately, according to New Zealand's SIS website, our spooks don't carry firearms, so there would be little need to deal with this issue.

While not being averse to having a rectal pistol issued to me if I was employed by our SIS, I would be concerned, given New Zealand's small security budgets, if said weapon was second-hand.

The story made no mention of the Americans having such a weapon. Given their startling intelligence failures of late, there would have been no room for the rectal pistol to be holstered as their heads appear to be filling the allocated space.

One thing is certain: being shot by a rectal pistol would be embarrassing, but it pales compared with shooting at someone using such a gun and missing.

With the pistol containing just a single shot, the ignominy would be the death of you.