New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.
Q: My husband and I moved to New York 10 years ago. His parents lived 100 miles away. It seemed like a good move: closer to family, but not too close. Then my in-laws bought a second home three minutes from ours. It’s awkward! They will have appointments scheduled months in advance but wait to ask to drop by to see our kids until the day of the proposed visit. My spouse works long hours, so I am the host — and I’m busy. They ask to come over frequently, but if we suggest a different plan, like taking them to dinner, they dig in their heels until we relent. Obviously, there is a lack of communication. They are also the main reason my husband and I fight. What can we do? — DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
A: Let’s start with the most important channel of communication here: the one between you and your husband. He is probably closer to his parents than you are. So, to avoid becoming the wicked daughter-in-law from central casting, ask him to take an active role in setting ground rules for them.
The two of you could tell them, during an adults’ evening together, that the heavy demands of work and raising children and running a house don’t lend themselves to impromptu visits. You need a few days’ notice. One of you could add that it would be a big help if they sometimes took the kids out when they visited — to a museum, for instance, or for ice cream — so you could catch up on other work.
Now, your husband may be unwilling, initially, to establish this new (but totally reasonable) boundary with his parents. Many people dislike friction. In that case, tell him you will do so yourself, but it may create more antagonism that way. Still, let’s hope your husband rises to the occasion: having a busy job does not entitle people to foist their parents onto others.