KEY POINTS:
Here we are in the middle of the Southern Alps, surrounded by snowcapped peaks and mossy forests, sitting beside a turbulent river four days' walk from the nearest road, enjoying a pre-dinner glass of chardonnay and nibbling on brie, olives and pate while the rain pours down.
The river, which is our exit out of this beautiful wilderness, is rising fast and may be impassable by morning, but with more wine cooling in a bucket of water, a marinated leg of lamb cooking on the fire, and blackberry crumble simmering in a camp oven, who cares?
This is luxury whitewater rafting, which Queenstown Rafting sells as the Landsborough Wilderness Experience.
During our three-day expedition we spend the daytime enjoying the thrills, spills and chills of rafting down one of the most picturesque rivers in the land. And at night we recuperate in permanent camps, drink wine and dine on gourmet food. This is my kind of adventure.
The place we're in is the Landsborough Valley, carved by the glacier-fed waters of the Landsborough River, which originates around Mt Cook and runs south through the mountains all the way to the foot of the Haast Pass, where it joins the Haast River and runs west to the sea.
We got here after a spectacular three-hour bus drive from Queenstown and an even more spectacular helicopter ride through the clouds to a campsite at the head of the valley.
The rain blotted out the views of the mountains which line the valley - though we did get spectacular birdseye views of the river and some very lively rapids - and it made the process of setting up camp a little damp.
But, hey, this is the West Coast and it wouldn't seem right if there weren't tendrils of mist drifting over the tree tops, sheets of rain falling from the skies and glistening waterfalls running down every cliff face - and the rain does keep that other West Coast specialty, the bloodthirsty sandfly, at bay.
Anyway, we're snug and dry under the giant tarpaulin that covers the cooking-dining area, so the patter of raindrops, the gurgle of running water and the roar of the river merely serves to make our little haven all the cosier, with its roaring fire and delicious cooking smells.
The rain isn't a problem for whitewater rafting, either.
For one thing, if you go on the Landsborough Experience you're fitted out in a wetsuit, boots, gloves, parka, lifejacket and helmet (and if you're wise you'll wear a polyprop top as well) so you're well able to cope with getting wet.
For another, if you sit at the front of the raft - as I did - you can guarantee that as you bounce through the rapids you're going to get bucketloads of bonechilling melted glacier dumped in your face, after which a bit of nice warm rain is almost welcome.
If you think I'm exaggerating how cold the water is, don't take my word for it, ask our Chilean safety kayaker Sebastian Herrera Astorga. "It is a good river," he said, "but the water is too cold."
Luckily, the pilot of our raft, Peter Gordon - universally known as Whiz or Whizzer, for reasons he claims not to remember - is probably the most experienced whitewater guide in the country so even with plenty of good rapids and the river running faster than usual, no one tips out.
Indeed, I think Whizzer's special skill is to take us through the tricky rapids with no excitement at all, but to transform the easy rapids into an exhilarating ride, with the raft bucking like a frisky bronco and water spraying everywhere.
In between the action of the rapids are long, quiet stretches of water where you can sit back in the raft and enjoy the magnificent views.
Even when it's raining there is the lush beech forest, thick with creepers, lichens and mosses, to savour.
And when the clouds part you discover that above those forests looms a range of glorious mountains, 2500m high, with permanent icecaps, shining glaciers and a dusting of fresh snow on the lower slopes.
The better weather provides an opportunity to climb up one of the Landsborough's tributaries, Purple Creek, to a magnificent twin waterfall and then, just in case you aren't already wet enough, go canyoning, sliding down the rocks into the cold, clear pools below.
The appearance of the sun is also the signal for perky black-chested tomtits, curious fantails and melodious bellbirds, grey warblers and tui to appear ... not to mention the sandflies.
The valley is, in fact, home to 36 species of native birds, including the rare whio (or blue duck) and mohua (yellowhead).
We didn't see either bird, but Queenstown Rafting has for a few years contributed $6000 a year to a Department of Conservation trapping programme aimed at eliminating predators from the valley.
As well as helping the birds, this gives Whizzer the opportunity to use his vast repertoire of corny jokes. "Do you know," he asks some wide-eye young women from the US, "how you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
"No? Well a weasel is weasily distinguished and a stoat is stotally different ... It's not my best joke." True.
Fortunately Whizzer - who was a chef in a previous life - is a better cook than comedian.
As our little procession makes its way down the river - usually led by the passenger raft piloted by Whizzer and paddled by us seven passengers, closely followed by the safety kayak in case someone does fall out, with Tony Ball bringing up the rear in the cargo raft carrying all the equipment - we don't exactly rough it.
The camps at which we stop have permanent tents with camp beds and squabs and you can even enjoy a hot shower, so long as a passing deerhunter hasn't nicked a crucial piece of the solar generator and the young women in the group don't use all the hot water first.
And the meals range from strong black coffee, frittata, bacon, eggs, tomatoes, muffins and fresh fruit salad for breakfast - with a swan carved out of an apple ... not something you see on the average camping trip - to marinated chicken, stirfried veges and chocolate cake for dinner.
By the time we get back to civilisation in Queenstown I'm sure no one has lost any weight, though there are a few stiff muscles.
Fortunately, my stay there is very civilised indeed, at the new Sofitel Queenstown, which proclaims itself to be the tourist capital's first five-star hotel.
Sofitel is the prestige brand of the global Accor hotel chain and the Queenstown hotel, the first Sofitel in New Zealand, certainly knows how to make guests feel welcome.
Its facilities include a massage shower, ideal for relaxing stiff muscles, and Sofitel's specially developed MyBed, whose layers of down and foam are just the thing for an ageing, aching body.
If you're going to go luxury whitewater rafting, then this is the ideal way to celebrate your safe return to the real world.
Checklist
Landsborough Experience
The Landsborough experience departs Queenstown every Friday from November 17 until March 30. Groups have a maximum of 12. The price of $1195 includes all camping and rafting equipment, all meals, guiding and three full days of activities.
Further information
Details of the trip are on the Landsborough Experience or email info@queenstownrafting.co.nz.
General information on Queenstown.
You can find out about Sofitel Queenstown by visiting the website or by ringing (03) 450 0045.
