What Mike Hosking did wrong: Tips for Auckland Airport arrivals

After ZB host Mike Hosking's well-documented and widely discussed recent hassles while arriving at Auckland Airport, the Herald Travel team offers some tips for a smooth and speedy journey through any arrivals airport in the world.

CHILL
Airports, like hospitals and abattoirs, are giant architecturally thrown-together intersections where masses of meat arrives and gets shunted on somewhere else.
Things went wrong for Mike in the luggage hall. "We waited for our bags for over an hour," he writes.

So, your luggage arrived late. This is a thing that sometimes happens. Auckland Airport staff tell me that in the past 12 months, 91 per cent of passengers received their bags in less than 20 minutes (62 per cent had it in less than 10), which is actually pretty good.

Keep in mind that the people running the joint would also love to see you leave as quickly as possible. Jason Delamore, the airport's general manager of marketing and technology, says: "Where there's a delay, it's usually because one or more flights aren't running to schedule, causing an unplanned customer peak. When that happens the whole airport community works together to minimise any disruption."

OUR TIP: You've just had 12 hours without checking social-media updates and Hosking-themed clickbait headlines on the nzherald app. Flick on your phone, use the airport's 45 minutes of free wi-fi and chill while you wait.

GET READY FOR THE MASSES
If you happen to be sitting (or, more likely, lying flat) in a premium cabin on the plane arriving into a major city, the jarring transition of entering the arrivals area and suddenly standing alongside people who flew there in Economy can be unsettling. Particularly if they brush against your $5000 jacket after you've exited the Business Class cabin.

OUR TIP: We advise travelling in something cheaper, like a $2000 Armani jacket, or Economy Class.

Luggage arrives for pick up at Auckland Airport. Photo / Dean Purcell

MIND THE STEP
Mike's experience: "Our plane, and this has happened to me now several times, didn't get a gate. So we got to walk down stairs, sort of like they did in the 1940s."

I've experienced this one, too. Again, this is a thing that happens. About 3 per cent of international flights into Auckland disembark down stairs (Mike, mate – I was on the first ever Emirates A380 flight from Melbourne to Auckland, and that plane had to disembark down the stairs. If you think you found it a rough experience, you should have seen the Emirates head honchos that day!). Auckland's three per cent compares favourably, Sydney is closer to six per cent, and globally, it's thought to be around 10 per cent.

OUR TIP: See No. 1 above – chill.

Construction and redevelopment work continues at Auckland International Airport. Photo / Jason Oxenham

SMILE
Remember the people checking your passport would probably rather be somewhere else, too. Throw them a smile. Resist the urge to crack a joke about stashing a kilogram of heroin in your suitcase.

PRO-LEVEL TIP: Hold up something that you know will be OK with the Customs staff – perhaps a processed chocolate bar, a leather wristband or some other inoffensive knick-knack – and ask them if it's OK to bring this thing in. In our wildly unscientific experiments, the Customs staff tend to say "Yep that's OK", then send us down the non-scanning aisle. Weirdly, if you don't ask if something is OK, this seems to increase the odds of them wanting to scan your suitcase. Which, of course, is when they find the kilogram of heroin.

BE PREPARED
Check, and double check that you're not bringing food into the country. And, of course, the good folk at the airport advise having your passport and completed arrival card ready.

OUR TIP: Check for food in your carry-on one more time. It'll help to pass the time.