Wow. Hell's teeth. Good Lord - blasphemy from a coachload of tourists.
It's something of a shock to turn a corner in Western Australia - among the green undulating hills and gum trees as far as the eye can see - and find a village that could have been transported straight from southern Europe.
This is New Norcia, population 80, Australia's only monastic town. As in monastery. And monks. And it is famous for its bread.
The coach drives slowly along a row of huge ornate buildings. Think Byzantine-cum-Gothic Revival. The largest is St Gertrude's College for Girls, followed by St Ildephonsus College for boys, and the old convent. They sit on a slight rise overlooking the monastery and the Moore River.
The Benedictine Community of New Norcia, to give it its full title, has the Holy Trinity Abbey at its heart. It was named in honour of Norcia in Italy, the birthplace of St Benedict.
The town was founded in 1846 by a small group of Spanish monks, led by Dom Rosendo Salvado and Dom Jose Serra. They had fled Spain for Italy eight years earlier after an anti-clerical government suppressed religious orders.
The Bishop of Perth invited the group to Western Australia to start a mission in the bush, and to teach Aborigines about agriculture and Christianity. The monks found their first group of Aborigines on the banks of the Moore River, and set up their mission where New Norcia now stands.
The rooms of the monastery's guesthouse take up two sides of a pretty garden courtyard. The accommodation is basic but clean, with subtle reminders that this is a religious community. The rooms are usually used by people looking for a quiet retreat but tourists are permitted.
We sit on the large veranda, watch pink-and-grey cockatoos, black crows and big white cockatoos find roosts for the night, and give up on meaningful conversation when we're drowned out by their cacophony.
After dinner we are joined by Dom Chris, the monastery's procurator, the man in charge of the money. Dom is the usual title for a monk of New Norcia, from the Latin Dominus or master, and is followed by the monk's first name. Dom Chris has been with the order for 25 years, and is one of the 11 monks in residence here.
Most are Australian, although there are two Spanish monks in their 90s.
Dom Chris gives us a quick rundown of life as a monk. The monks are not permitted to speak between 8pm and 8am, their day begins at 5am, and they may not leave the monastery cloister without permission. They pray together six times a day and celebrate Mass once a day. Only men can join this community, and they must be voted in. Novices spend three years studying scripture, liturgy and church history before making a lifetime commitment.
The future of New Norcia seems secure. The Abbot has received as many novices in the past five years as he did in the 15 years before that, and gets at least one email a week from men interested in joining.
Next morning we take a guided tour of the township with Jenny, who is indefatigable, and we sprint around after her, trying to get in photo opportunities where we can.
The first port of call is the chapel, with its gilded ceiling, beautiful painted walls and front pews for the novices. The seats are angled so you can easily slide onto the floor with any lapse in concentration.
We're on a tight schedule and have to rush next to the old flour mill, which still functions, and on to the Education Centre. The outdoor space is dominated by hand-painted panels denoting the six Aboriginal seasons.
Next stop is St Gertrude's College, which was opened in 1908 to cater for the educational needs of the surrounding community. It could take up to 200 boarders. What a shock it must have been for a wee farm girl to be dropped off in front of that imposing front door. The inside of the building still carries a faint sense of unhappiness and misery.
The chapel at St Gertrude's is, by comparison, stunningly beautiful, and we are given a full three minutes to enjoy it.
We then race off to see the outside of St Ildephonsus, named for a Spanish abbot.
Both the schools closed in 1991, when travel and educational options became easier. These days they are used as residential centres for groups studying art and music, spear and boomerang throwing, and hunting.
The New Norcia art gallery contains a collection of Renaissance paintings, as well as more modern artwork, and the museum has a collection of artefacts that reflect the history of the community and its residents.
Our last visit is to the Abbey Church, with its curved roof and huge altarpiece of a painting of Our Lady of Good Counsel, given to Dom Salvado before he left Italy.
Legend has it that when a bushfire threatened the mission's crops in 1847, Salvado took the painting and laid it in the path of the fire. A wind change turned the fire back on itself, and the threat was averted. The painting was credited with the wind change, and remains one of the most revered artefacts in the community.
Not all outcomes at New Norcia were so happy. The town was associated with what became known as "the stolen generation", the period from the 1930s to the 1970s when Aboriginal children were taken from their parents and placed in institutions and foster care to train as servants.
One of the children placed at the Moore River Native Settlement near New Norcia was Molly Kelly, who died last year. She, her sister and a cousin were taken from their home in Jigalong, 1600km away in the northwest of the state. Their efforts to return became the subject of the film Rabbit-Proof Fence, based on a book written by Molly's daughter.
Now it is the museum's gift shop and art gallery that attract attention, selling locally made jams, chutneys, New Norcia Olive Oil, Abbey wine and pottery, as well as the usual souvenirs.
But the items that stream out the door the fastest are the breads, biscotti and nutcakes made in the 120-year-old New Norcia bakery. Baking starts at 4am every day and supplies the 70-odd residents of the town, and branches of the bakery in Perth sell the twice-baked products to outlets around the world.
We head back to the monastery for lunch, which is accompanied by the delicious local bread and equally delicious rose wine. Replete and refreshed, we get back on the coach to begin the journey back to Perth, 132km away.
New Norcia is an oddity, a self-sufficient religious community in the heart of farming country, incongruous in its appearance and immensely practical in its applications. And that's its charm - juxtapositions of old and new, art and agriculture, ornamental and plain - and that is what draws 70,000 visitors a year. That and the bread.
* Phoebe Falconer travelled to New Norcia as a guest of Tourism Western Australia.
Getting there
Air New Zealand flies direct to Perth five days a week (daily flights resume next month) with fares starting at $399 one-way (plus taxes).
The Transwa bus service runs from Perth to New Norcia and return. See www.onlinewa.com.au (link below) for timetables. Ph (0061) 1300 66 22 05.
Great Western Coach Tours also run to New Norcia. Ph (0061) 8 9490 2455.
Rental car: New Norcia is 132km north of Perth, along the Great Northern Highway, an easy two-hour drive.
Accommodation
New Norcia Hotel (originally the monastery's guest house, built for the parents of children attending the two schools). 16 rooms. Ph (0061) 8 9654 8034 or email hotel@newnorcia.wa.edu.au
Rooms are also available at the monastery guesthouse. See www.newnorcia.wa.edu.au (link below) or ph (0061) 8 9654 8002.
Groups of 30-200 can be accommodated in the two old schools. Ph (0061) 8 9654 8107.
Tours
Two-hour guided walking tours, 11am and 1.30pm, leaving from the front of the museum.
Heritage trail: Self-guided, maps available from museum and art gallery.
Women are not permitted in the monastery cloister, and men by invitation only. The bakery is not open to the public.
Further information
Contact the visitor centre at New Norcia. Ph (0061) 8 9654 8056.
See www.westernaustralia.com (link below).
Western Australia's slice of Europe
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