KEY POINTS:
If Tiger Woods wrote a sequel to his book How I Play Golf and called it How I Would Never, Ever Play Golf, chances are I'd be on the cover.
My swing betrays me off the tee and on the fairway, in the rough, under trees, in trees, in the sand and on the green.
I need help. So when a friend suggested the Wairakei School of Golf, a comprehensive three-day course covering all facets of the game where even the most seasoned low handicapper can improve, I duly enrolled.
So, it's my first day at school, and I'm among a group of golfers who have their own issues.
Some want consistent ball-striking, others say they "top", "hook" or "slice" the ball.
One man wants more distance, another, a 12-handicapper, says he's the world's best chipping exponent, but only when he's practising.
And everyone wants a pure swing.
I'm seriously wondering how resident professionals, Steve Jessup and Dave Park, can possibly sort out so many problems.
But they're completely unfazed. It seems they've heard it all before.
A professional of more than 15 years, Steve modestly talks down his achievements, despite including the world's best amateur golfer, Danny Lee, among his pupils.
I'm hoping he and Dave, both coaches at the school since the early 1990s, can work similar miracles with me.
Dave, himself a former playing pro, is confident they can. "Ninety-nine point nine per cent of all students who come here do improve," he says. Excellent.
Day one begins with a video analysis of my swing: it's the stuff of nightmares. Not only do I look fat on TV, but I can now confirm my swing is nothing at all like Stuart Appleby's.
Steve says my right arm is like a chicken wing, my approach is too vertical and comes in from the right, causing my slice.
He changes the arc of my swing, my posture and grip. It feels awkward and I'm tempted to go back to my old ways when we go out on the course that afternoon ... but I persevere.
Day two focuses on the short game. Steve takes us to a practice green where he explains that players often try to scoop the ball with their wrists instead of using their arms to play the shot. With nonchalant ease, he chips the ball to within a few inches of the pin.
Surprisingly, something seems to rub off and we're all soon chipping like seasoned PGA tour members.
Dave stresses the importance of the pre-shot routine, the zen-like moment before goalkickers, tennis players and golfers "pull the trigger". I never knew that.
But the big breakthrough in my golf education - and definitely the most enjoyable hour I've had in the sport - comes when Steve suggests I could get "more zing" in my stroke by properly transferring my weight through turning my hips and shoulders together with the swing. It's a revelation.
Suddenly I'm hitting bullet-like drives a long, long way and with minimal effort. My slice, normally more right-leaning than an Act Party convention, has gone.
While it's still a work in progress, my swing mechanics are feeling good and even sound like a proper stroke.
"That's a golf swing," says Steve.
On day three we hit the putting green. I know it's important, but I can't wait to unleash my new powers over 18 holes.
Inevitably there are a few hiccups. But Wairakei International Golf Course is a demanding course, recently named among Golf Digest's top 100 courses outside the United States, a challenging place to try out what I've learned, so I don't feel too bad about my 39 stableford points.
But my greatest happiness comes at my home club a week later when I shoot 11 under my handicap for my lowest round ever.
Still, I think I can get better, and just to be sure I'm going back to school next year.
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The Wairakei Internatinoal Golf Course is 5km north of Taupo on State Highway 1. Its three day golf schools include breakfast and lunch, range and green fees, and electric cart hire. Professionals guide you during two rounds of nine holes and one round of 18 holes. See wairakeigolfcourse.co.nz
