KEY POINTS:
Our guide Huy says: "In Vietnam, we love what we do not have," as we pass yet another massive penguin rubbish bin. I put my icecream wrapper into the penguin's plastic beak and let Huy think he's given a satisfactory explanation. Sure there aren't any penguins in'Nam, but there are plenty of other things they don't have and none of them have been made into large rubbish bins.
If I and this Intrepid tour group of 10 had been anywhere less spectacular than Halong Bay, we might have pursued this penguin obsession.
But as bizarre as hundreds of huge fake penguins are, they ultimately lose out in the awe stakes to the wonder of these caves and the 3000 limestone peaks jutting out of the water they call home.
We'd made the 3 1/2-hour bus trip from Hanoi, escaping the panicky fun of the Vietnamese capital for the famed World Heritage site of Halong Bay.
In the Gulf of Tonkin, just south of the Chinese border, the bay is one of the most spectacular and serene of all the sights in Southeast Asia. Think of the iconic limestone peaks of the Thai west coast (immortalised in feature film The Beach) combined with Waikato's Waitomo Caves and amplified about 100 times.
Add to that the romantic idea of overnighting on a Chinese junk with just the peaks, the caves, the lapping water, the stars, your new friends and your beat-up old guitar as company. That was our plan.
Earlier in the day the plan had looked a little shaky. The bus had dropped us in Halong City and if Halong Bay was meant to be so amazing then surely its mainland namesake couldn't be too bad?
But describing it as a place wretchedly full of disastrous hotels, massage parlours and land reclamation projects gone askew almost gives too pretty a picture, though a mock Sydney Opera House painted green was a nice touch.
However, a quick look at the travel books put us at ease. Halong City is often described as the hell to Halong Bay's heaven.
By early afternoon the architectural sins of "Halong-Vegas" had disappeared beyond the horizon and we were now enveloped within the countless jungle-covered peaks.
The waters here are usually calm and there is often a cool mist hanging over the landscape, though today had blue skies and mid-30 degree heat. For a respite for the sun-averse and a break from the tanning for the rest, we headed to one of the dozens of caves, soon realising our junk's fake penguin wasn't the only one here.
Curious litter disposal aside, the caves are so colossal, the rock formations so outrageous and the whole thing so Journey to the Centre of the Earth that you have to remind yourself it isn't man-made. The caves' sheer size (we're talking room for 4000 fans if Kiri Te Kanawa decided to upgrade from Waitomo) has you subconsciously marvelling at the wonders of man instead of nature.
Maybe those bins confuse the brain. Climbing down the hillside and back towards our junk, we re-board and sail to something man-made, one of the beaches set up since Halong Bay joined the tourist trail, about 15 years ago.
As we drift closer to the beach we see atop this peak a small temple, some 200m above sea-level. I convince my fellow-Intrepidites that this is just the thing to burn off the three-course lunch and Hanoi Beers we had imbibed. Besides, that swim by the fake sand will be so much more satisfying if we've earned it with a brisk hike up the hill.
We put on shirts and set a sweat-soaking pace up the hill, only to find it's not a temple and a fancy roof and lookout point. This shouldn't be a big deal, but everyone seems more disappointed they've needlessly sweated through another shirt rather than there was no temple - just look at the view.
Then the splendour of where we are hits us. We're on top of a mini-jungle, there's bright white sand slipping into the emerald waters and the Chinese junks dotting the Bay resemble a splattering of Narnia-like Dawn Treaders. I was right about one thing though, that swim sure did feel good. After an hour it was back on board the junk for dinner and sunset on top-deck.
This was what I was waiting for: Hanoi Beer and the guitar. We'd found a guitar in Hanoi for about $10 and aside from the paint job removing itself on to my body as I played my repertoire of Simon and Garfunkel and Bee Gees hits, it was perfect. The sun set, the moon rose and we sang songs while sipping on beers that set us back just 80c a pop. Needless to say, the penguin's beak was filled to overflowing by morning.
Tim Roxburgh travelled to Vietnam with assistance from Flight Centre
Hang Dau Go Cave (Wooden Stakes Cove): The largest and most movie-set-like of all the stunning Halong Caves.
Cat Ba Island: Halong Bay's main resort area; come here for beaches, jungle, nightlife and on-land accommodation.
The man-made beaches: Most are clustered near Cat Ba Island.
The glorious Vietnamese food: Included in your (ridiculously) cheap fare for overnighting on a junk boat are the lavish meals, all served by waiters treating you like a celebrity.
Moonlit guitar on top-deck: There are few memories I cherish more than playing guitar at night with Vietnam's finest natural wonder as the backdrop. If this fails, most junks are equipped with serenity-spoiling karaoke equipment.
Spirit of Vietnam tour
Flight Centre has 10-day packages that capture the spirit of Vietnam with visits to Halong Bay, as well as Hoi An and Ho Chi Minh City.
The tour includes guide, transport while on tour, nine nights' accommodation and daily breakfast from $1099 per person plus local payment of US$100. International flights are not included.
Deal available on sales before September 30 and travel on various dates before January 2009. Contact Flight Centre on 0800 35 44 48 or www.flightcentre.co.nz
