Tim Roxborogh's travel bugs: Mystery escapes gone wrong

Brown bear of Alps. Photo / Getty Images

A weekly ode to the joys of moaning about your holiday, by Tim Roxborogh.

"I said to Stu, 'What the f is this?'" Not traditionally the reaction you're looking for when you arrive at a hotel but, for Disgruntled Of Hamilton, also known as Bex of the Mystery Escape to Invercargill that made headlines a couple of weeks ago, perhaps understandable. Though I have to say, the whole story raises questions. Namely, why would you book a mystery escape if you're fussy and your holiday time is precious?

It goes like this: Bex and her partner Stu had paid Air New Zealand almost $1500 between them for what they'd been told would be a "deluxe three-night mystery break". The accommodation was promised as being 4-5-star though this was clearly not the case from the comically drab photos that accompanied their tale of woe. Explaining that they have five children (including one with special needs), this little indulgence of luxury and excitement had been something they'd been holding out for for weeks.

But oh no, never again for Bex and Stu. "I just stood there with my mouth open when I found out we would be going to Invercargill," - Bex.

So they ditched New Zealand's southernmost city for the more glamorous Queenstown up the road (at considerable extra expense), complained to Air New Zealand and were eventually refunded the original trip. Bex and Stu then kindly warned others to - shock horror - choose where you want to go on holiday. They suggested "Bali or the Gold Coast" and explained that mystery escapes were "not worth the risk".

I get that the accommodation wasn't up to scratch and was genuinely worthy of contacting Air New Zealand over. But objections about the destination when everyone knows there's a whiff of "the money or the bag" to a Mystery Escape seems a little naive.

And that's where Air New Zealand Mystery Escapes are probably best suited, as in, game show-like prizes at work places to reward staff and give the office a bit of entertainment.

There is a genuine anticipation at where you or your colleague might go and the fun of hoping it will be somewhere desirable (obviously subjective).

Though there's something also very fundamental - at least I always thought - to the concept of the Mystery Escape. Make the best of it. Discover the cool things about places you don't really know about. So many of the most memorable travel yarns are where it doesn't go to plan and so you go, "All right, let's turn this into something good." Which somewhat patronisingly still makes it sound like Invercargill was the booby prize.

Two things: if you end up with three nights in Invercargill on a Mystery Escape, provided the hotel is decent, enjoy it! Challenge your perceptions and hope they were misconceptions. And secondly, if what you really want is to go to Queenstown (or Bali or the Gold Coast), just go there in the first place.

Forgetting what to do in a bear attack

I was hiking through a mountain forest in Oregon last year on a jacket-less spring day with the sun out and the remaining snow starting to melt. This part of the US is so, so beautiful. Staggeringly so. The people are lovely too. Unfortunately though, I had the same combination of fear and forgetfulness I'd experienced in Canada some years earlier.

That is, forgetting which bear you're meant to react in which way for in the event of an attack.

All I mostly incorrectly remembered is that for one type of bear you're meant to be big, scary and loud, while for the other you should be still and quiet. Quite a difference. As I walked I decided I'd do a combination of the two and see what worked.

Well, here it is from the US National Park Service for us to tattoo to our brains: if attacked by a brown bear, play dead. If it's a black bear, fight back. Brown = lie down, black = fight back. Good times.

Tim Roxborogh hosts Newstalk ZB's The Two, Coast Soul on Coast and writes the RoxboroghReport.com.