Don't believe a word they say. The Milford Track is not the sandfly paradise you've been told it is. Neither is it the wettest place in the world.
As far as I'm concerned, these are myths told to assuage the disappointment felt by those not lucky enough to have tramped New Zealand's Greatest Walk.
That's just not the way I found it.
At the end of the four-day trek from Lake Te Anau to Milford Sound, I hadn't encountered a single cloud and could count the insect bites on the back of one hand.
It was serene as a mountain trout suspended in the Clinton; sublime as the Jervois Glacier, dropping torrents from the snowline to eternity.
Earth has not anything to show more fair: watching the sun dawn on Mount Balloon, after a night in a bunk in a hut on the Milford Track. Considering they cost less per night than a hostel bed, it's no wonder they are the most hotly contested huts on the network.
The only thing more renowned than the beauty of the Milford Track is quite how quickly it books out. Even with international travellers locked out of New Zealand for the past 24 months.
Last year the Milford track broke records, selling out in 15 minutes flat. This was quicker than Six60 filled Eden Park with their historic post-lockdown performance. Apart from a sign that New Zealand has its priorities in order, this shows that Milford is the most sought-after hike in the country. If not the planet.
It's something I know all too well, after years of trying to book a spot on the multi-day track. I'd have happily tackled a monsoon and swarm of blood-sucking insects for a chance to cross the McKinnon Pass.
There are just 120 bunks and a 180-day hiking season on the Milford. There is no camping, and the only way into the Clinton Valley is by water taxi at either end. The other unique aspect of the hike, even among the other Great Walks, is that it must be tackled in one direction - from Lake Te Anau to the sounds of Piopiotahi.
The effect is that you never cross paths with other walkers.
For four days and three nights the world shrinks to the size of the hiking party you departed with. As far as you're concerned there are 40 people trying to complete the 54km hike, not 5 million.
It could be 1892 all over again, on one of the first tourist trails led by Quintin McKinnon. Or earlier still, crossing "Ōmanui" - as Ngāi Tahu called the "the great running" of pounamu traders between the coast and Te Anau.
A lot of history has passed over the Fiordland gap since then.
As the hiking network marks its third decade this year, the concept of Milford as a Great Walk is a relatively recent chapter. It had already seen one hundred years as a popular tourist trail by this point.
With famous writers dropping in and penning kind epithets such as "wonder of the natural world" or "finest walk in the world", it has never needed publicity.
In spite of this, there have been periods when the track was cut off to all but a privileged few. It has also seen 'hīkoi' and protest marches back in 1965, demanding that New Zealand's greatest walk be opened up to New Zealanders.
Since the first huts were opened, there has been a constant dialogue between hikers, conservationists and guides as to just how many people should be allowed to walk.
In short, the story of the Milford Track is the story of the Great Walks project.
Hut Talk: The Life of a DoC Ranger
There's a lot that happens on a great walk that isn't walking. Even at the end of one of the longer 18km legs, you'll find there's plenty of time left in the day. Particularly as you get to the Clinton hut, which greets you relatively early on in the hike, the ranger's notice board should be your first port of call.
If you're still feeling fit, there are always detours suggested. As well as track updates and weather conditions, there are tips on what there is to do in the area, from glowworm caves to a "secret" track behind New Zealand's highest waterfall.
The most important bit of information on the board is the time of the "hut talk".
You might think you've experienced these before but, on the Milford, rangers up their oratory game. More than just the obligatory ticket check and fire safety talk, the talks are as broadly versed as the rangers themselves. Rudi, a retired Swiss historian, welcomed walkers to the start of the track and briefed us on what to expect.
Murray, a fifth-generation Fiordlander and former firefighter who takes his fire safety and possum eradication seriously, took obvious pride in looking after the freshly built Mintaro Hut. Finally, Jules at Dumpling Hut prepared us for shared stories of hikers being helicoptered off the track in recent floods.
If there is anything you've always wanted to know about the life of a DoC ranger, now's the time to ask. To answer some basics: 10 days on and four days off, long-life supplies are restocked twice a season and, yes, at the end of each shift they walk in and out of the track the same way you do.
But if you ask anything, find out where the best swimming spots are.
In the gloriously unpredictable Fiordland summer, the swimming holes of the Milford track are a must-do. More than making up for the lack of shower facilities, swimming in the upper Clinton and Arthur rivers is a sublime experience.
Washing off sweat in glacially cool water, looking back up beech-lined valleys towards Mount Hart and the Ōmanui, it puts the walk into perspective. A greatest for all time.
Great Walks for good
Thirty years ago - when the world was new and DoC not much older - a plan was born:
Nine Great Walks to rule them all.
A collection of the best multi-day hikes in the country, they are found from the central plateau of the Tongariro to the weatherbeaten scrub of Stewart Island / Rakiura. The tracks range between 32 and 80 kilometres, taking between two to five days to complete.
All of them are "Great" in their own way, although some are greater than others.
Beyond the Tolkienesque numerology, the number isn't important. A tenth, the Paparoa Track, was added in 2019 and next year we are due to see the Hump Ridge Track in Tuatapere join The Greats as walk number 11 on the network. There's no reason why there couldn't be more in the future.
Other trails like the Queen Charlotte Track and Te Paki have been in contention for a prestigious place on the network.
Completely separate from DoCs collection of 950 other huts, they have their own bookings, seasons, and a unique culture to boot.
So what put these tracks in a league of their own? In short, what makes a Great Walk so great?
In principle, they were selected to represent as broad a section of New Zealand as possible. In reality, they were selected as the nine hikes that needed the most protection from visitors.
By the 1990s, DoC discovered that 75 per cent of hikers were international tourists on the most popular overnight tracks - including the Abel Tasman coastal track, Routeburn, Milford and Kepler. The Great Walks in many ways selected themselves as the busiest routes, that attracted travellers from all over the world. The job of the network was to maintain the facilities and manage the number of visitors.
Bookings have gone online and undergone some changes - including an ill-timed trial at different rates for overseas visitors in time for 2020 - but overall it's the same process as before.
Even during a pandemic, the walks have been in high demand.
While the first nine were chosen to control the number of hikers passing through, you could argue the newest additions have been added to bring trampers into new parts of the country.
It was a proud day for Blackball and Punakaiki in 2019, when Paparoa was included on New York Times' annual list of international must-sees and the world's media came to explore the West Coast. After 24 months of having these national treasures to ourselves, we forget they're world-class hikes.
When the Hump Ridge Track comes online in 2023, it will put Tuatapere and Invercargill on the travel wish lists of the known world. It definitely should be on yours.
CHECKLIST: MILFORD TRACK
DETAILS
Spaces for the Milford Track's 2022/23 season open for bookings on May 3 at 9.30am. Bookings for the other nine walks will begin between May 3 to 6 - see individual Great Walks web pages for details. doc.govt.nz
For more travel inspiration, go to newzealand.com/nz.
Check traffic light settings and Ministry of Health advice before travel at covid19.govt.nz
