This is like being on the set of Shrek or maybe The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Behind me a plump devil, complete with horns and pointed tail, is being sprayed with red paint. To the right a couple of 2m tall angels with magnificent silver wings are helping
each other with their eyelashes.
On the left an elderly man with a long grey beard and a sagging beer belly, clad only in thin strips of black leather, is leading an equally scantily clad middle-aged man on the end of a chain. Just ahead a rather attractive black and white rabbit is having whiskers glued into her lip. Further down the road a red-robed pope is practising whirling like a dervish.
It's a scene of delightful madness and it's just a fragment of the 31st Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras, a vast, crazy, colourful parade, which this year involved 134 floats and about 10,000 dancing, prancing, laughing, singing participants.
I've never seen anything like it. I didn't get to any of Auckland's Hero Parades and I have to admit the clips I saw on TV seemed unnecessarily ... crude ... so I didn't feel inclined to watch. But the Mardi Gras is definitely not like that. Basically it's ... fun.
The organisers proclaim it to be the largest gay pride event on the planet, a claim easy to believe when you see an estimated 300,000 enthusiastic spectators lining the 2.4km route, 10 or even 15 deep, many waiting for five to six hours to ensure good viewing positions.
The atmosphere is fantastic. In seven hours of wandering around Hyde Park and surrounding streets watching the floats and marchers assemble, then standing alongside the parade itself as it wound its way through the streets of Sydney, I can't recall a single grumpy incident.
The parade was delayed because the Dykes on Bikes, who traditionally lead the way, were late. But no one seemed to care.
The 1200 volunteer marshals, most of them wearing haloes, pink bunny ears or wings, as well as their official T-shirts, filled in the time with dancing, play-acting, acrobatics, trouser-swapping races and stripteases and drew huge cheers for their efforts.
There were more cheers when a thunderous rumbling of engines signalled the belated arrival of the Dykes, 200-300 of them, most in black leather but with a good number of princesses, cowboys, devils, angels, red indians, bikini babes and one guy clad just in speedos, a big black moustache and a huge sombrero.
As the bikes roared off, the parade finally began ... and what a parade.
Where else could you see such an amazing range of dancers, from the hundreds of sun-tanned lifesavers in red speedos and yellow caps doing a superbly synchronised routine, to the dancing ice crystals escorting the Antarctic float; and from the stylish members of the 009 Sequinned Secret Service strutting their stuff to James Bond themes, to the energetic drum dancers bouncing alongside the Africa float?
Could any other occasion bring together the marchers of the Sydney Leather Pride Association, dancing about in their scanty leather costumes, and members of Animal Liberation, dressed as cute black-and-white cows and waving placards proclaiming "cows are cool - leather is cruel"?
Was there ever a parade with quite so many popes: a whole ... conclave? ... of the twirling variety, plus the self-proclaimed Her Divine Holiness Pope Alice and a gorgeously-clad old queen in his Protest Popemobile?
And where else would you see a float demanding "End police harassment now", surrounded by gays busting a groove to the music from Priscilla Queen of the Desert, hard on the heels of a contingent of uniformed police officers, all marching stiffly to the martial music of the police band?
It's all a long way from the first parade in 1978 which was broken up by police - after the authorities abruptly revoked permission for it to take place - with 53 marchers being arrested and the rest fleeing in panic (a plaque in King's Cross still marks the area where many sought refuge).
Not only do the police now march in the event, but the Lord Mayor of Sydney, Clover Moore, has her own float, Australia's heroes of the moment, the firefighters who battled this year's ferocious bushfires, turned out in force and the parade was led by their 2008 Sports Performer of the Year, Olympic gold medal-winning diver Matthew Mitcham.
Of course there is still a protest element. The plethora of popes was in response to comments by Pope Benedict seen as suggesting that homosexuality is as much of a threat to the world as climate change. Amnesty International's float drew attention to the fact that in 80 countries homosexuality is illegal and in seven it can merit the death penalty. Queers for Equality highlighted Australia's refusal to allow gay marriage (though civil union is permitted).
And not everyone likes the Mardi Gras. When I asked a Sydney taxi driver whether the parade would mean a busy night for him, he snapped, "It would if I was working in the city but I won't be here. I'll be in the suburbs. I don't agree with it. It's not natural. I don't support it in any way and I won't be carrying them."
But generally the message from participants in the parade seemed to be not one of protest but of celebration, and the great throng of spectators appeared to be more intent on enjoying the colour and music, the bizarre sights and the often witty satire, than on making some political stand.
And how could you not enjoy an event which includes:
The Global Village People, among them a barechested Mexican bandit and an Egyptian pharoah clad in gold, belting out the 1978 hit YMCA.
A group of singing, dancing wolves, jackals and hyenas in lovely furry costumes.
Mobile games of rugby and Australian rules played by teams of barechested athletes while running down the parade route.
A dozen spectacular Thai drag queens in glittering gowns and towering rainbow-coloured headdresses.
A 24-strong synchronised dressage team riding the sort of inflatable horses that keep five-year-olds floating in the pool.
The team of Outcast Angels, with spectacular wings and glittering costumes, scary enough to make the strongest sinner quail.
Those fantastic lifesavers, rows of them, swinging across the road with perfect timing.
And, probably my favourite, a group called Gay Camping New South Wales - really? - who proudly carried their tents and stretchers under the banner "Camp as a row of tents".
I liked it for its absurdity and for the confident self-deprecatory humour which provided a great demonstration of just how far the Mardi Gras and the gay community have progressed since it all began in 1978.
Jim Eagles went to the Mardi Gras with help from Air New Zealand and Tourism NSW.
GETTING THERE:
Air New Zealand offers more than 50 non-stop flights to Sydney every
week from Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch, with connections
available from all around New Zealand.
WHERE TO STAY:
The Grace Hotel, an art deco hotel in the heart of the city, is an
easy walking distance from most attractions including the Mardi
Gras.
MARDI GRAS:
The Mardi Gras has its own website. The
festival is held for three weeks in February and March and, as well as
the grand parade, the programme includes an extraordinary mix of the
tacky and the talented, with a programme ranging from art exhibitions and plays to debates and sports events (like the Little Black Dress Run).
FURTHER INFORMATION:
For general information on visiting Sydney see sydneyaustralia.com.
Sydney's Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras is no place for the self-conscious. Photo / Jim Eagles
This is like being on the set of Shrek or maybe The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Behind me a plump devil, complete with horns and pointed tail, is being sprayed with red paint. To the right a couple of 2m tall angels with magnificent silver wings are helping
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