Amenities: You name it, they've got it. It almost feels like home. There's a full kitchen, the bathroom space is expansive and facilities abundant, including snuggly bathrobes, slippers, and a hair dryer. A miniature tube of toothpaste would have completed the basic toiletries.
Food and drink: The best dinners during my five-night trip to New Caledonia. From the maitre d' to the chef and waiters, the taste and presentation was unrivalled. The maitre d' did an excellent job of matching wines with mains. I broke my minimal-carb diet to enjoy freshly baked French pastries but couldn't find gluten-free options. A filling brekky box was delivered to my kitchen to allow for the 5am departure to the airport — the hotel's breakfast service runs from 6.30am-10am.
Vicinity: The property skirts an enchanting stretch of coastline but keeps an arm's length from the hustle and bustle of the CBD. I went for a run up the hill at 5.30am and found early birds — dog walkers, joggers and cyclists make the most of starting the day in paradise. I was conscious of the right-hand-drive motorists and drivers who stop abruptly at zebra crossings or simply don't indicate at junctions but the distinctive cycling lanes put the mind at ease. Restaurants, including pizza and pasta takeaways, and bars are within walking distance. The much-talked about Le Roof is around the corner; the famous restaurant sits on a pier.
The bed: A comfy king but far too many decorative cushions that annoy — although the diligent housekeeping staff did a great job of stacking them on the floor.
Facilities: A compact 15-hour gym with the air-conditioning revved up too high. But why would anyone want to work out indoors when the tropical treadmill of life beckons outdoors?
Noise: Minimal even though a party went on into the wee hours on the resort's 1.5ha beach-front park. More irritating was the heavy-breathing twin air-conditioners that I switched off.
Contact: hotelchateauroyal.nc/en
The good: The 110-suite, seven-storey resort is where Club Med used to live and it is on the cusp of undergoing another facelift, so watch that space. Resort international sales rep Alexandra Kine rates the four-star complex third-best in Noumea but I believe post-revamp it'll regain its No 1 status to match its five-star service.
Swimming pool: The Aquatonic spa and pool — one of only eight in the world, I'm informed — is sublime, with its jet-powered squirts to pummel those lactose-laden muscles. However, I didn't fancy a lifeguard-style cap (I'm a skinhead, so no chance of hair polluting pools) or squeezing into budgie smugglers, especially when I noticed someone in a swim shorts in the pools. "Sorry, sir, it's compulsory," said helpful front-desk trainee Wendy, armed with a boxful of blokes' thongs to suggest I'm not the first one to have been left in a twist.
The bad: Blue light on the balcony that keeps you awake because you want to sleep with the curtains open to soak up the coastline.
Ideal for: Sporty types who can share suites for the annual waterfront Coastal Walk marathon on August 25.
