KEY POINTS:
On the edge of San Francisco Bay, where Alcatraz prison rises like a beacon on an island in the middle of the harbour, comes a whiff of something stinky.
People peer over the railings of Pier 39, a jostling jumble of tourist shops and restaurants where you can
buy your last-minute tack.
Maybe a corpse has washed up; it sure smells like it. Get closer and the stink gets stronger. There's weird snorting, grunting sounds too. It turns out there are bodies here. But while some are lying prone as if they might be dead, others are slapping their dead weight at each other and trying to push each other off the floating wooden dock.
This sea lion colony is a tourist attraction. It wasn't designed as such. They just like it here and moved in one day. The shop owners tried to get rid of them at first. It's hard to blame them. Well, they do, er, smell. A bit. Okay, a lot.
Then the shop owners realised the tourists loved them and the sea lions are welcome. It's fascinating watching the family dynamics at work, from the bullies to the push-overs.
Earlier we'd joined the queues at a pier a little further along to take the boat to Alcatraz.
Alcatraz, I have to say, is a bit too popular with the tourists. The boat is packed and everyone swarms off, then lines up again for their audio tape machine and we all move at a snail's pace through the infamous prison where Al Capone was incarcerated for a time.
The audio tour commentary is really good, though, and if you didn't keep bumping into people you could almost take yourself back to the bad old days when these awful cells were filled with murderers and thieves.
The audio starts with: "The first thing you learn when you hit Alcatraz is keep your mouth shut, walk with your back to the wall."
The narrators are real-life past wardens and prisoners. As they take you past these dingy cells representing miserable lives, you can't help but shudder and think if you weren't mad already, you'd soon be driven mad.
Not surprising then, that the small recreation yard where the wind blows hard and cold was the most popular place. Prisoners who behaved were allowed out here and would stay as long as they could and play bridge.
Legendary killers lived in D Block, just back from the recreation yard. It was the isolation wing; three tiers of damp, freezing cells. The wind used to blow right through them.
Robert "The Birdman" Stroud was here. He is described as brilliant, a mathematician, a psychopath and a homicidal maniac. And you might like to know that George "Machinegun" Kelly was "very polite".
If you're lucky and the other tourists have had their turn, you can go inside a cell on your own. It's bleak and cold, tiny and terrible. If you stand with your arms out you can touch each side. One inmate tells how he would close his eyes and imagine being out in the sun.
For all the horror, there are only a couple of really famous incidents at Alcatraz. Cell 402 has a vase of fresh flowers. This is where guards were held hostage during the riot known as the Battle of Alcatraz. This is all told to the sounds of gunfire and sirens.
The marines were called in and for two days they and correctional officers bombarded the cell house, where you can still see pock marks on the floor from the exploding grenades. People died, no one escaped.
But another time three men did get out. In an intricately planned escape they somehow dug through concrete and got over the walls and into the sea then used a raft made of raincoats.
While Hollywood might leave the success of the escape open, it's generally thought they drowned. While not far to the mainland, the water is freezing, with strong currents. And oh - there might be sharks.
At least, that's what our guide for the bike ride over the Golden Gate bridge said. You know how it goes: where there are seals there are sharks. There's a great white breeding ground outside the harbour, he said.
The bridge is beautiful but is patrolled these days for jumpers. It's the most famous spot to commit suicide. There have been 1300 since it opened. You'll pass emergency telephones along the way offering crisis counselling.
This, and the many homeless, is the dark side of such a beautiful city, famous for its prison, its steep hills and the colourful Victorian-era houses painted their bright colours by the hippie movement , which had its birth here.
San Francisco, another guide - this time a bus driver - said, is basically a bunch of neighbourhoods blending seamlessly. Little Italy turns into Chinatown turns into the financial district, turns into Castra, the heart of the gay community.
The Spanish were the first Europeans to come here but San Francisco really took off after the gold rush of 1848, though it has had its setbacks since.
In 1906, an earthquake of 8.3 on the Richter scale shook the city and an ensuing fire burnt down nearly all of downtown. Three to five thousand people died.
The 1989 earthquake of 7.1 led to 67 deaths and a bit of paranoia about when the next one might be. Our driver says you could spend your days worrying about it, but what's the point? I wouldn't let it put you off coming here.
GETTING THERE
Air New Zealand flies daily to San Francisco. For special online fares visit airnewzealand.co.nz.
THINGS TO DO
Go on a tour of Alcatraz or ride a bike over the Golden Gate Bridge.
MORE INFORMATION
Visit allsanfranciscotouris.com or onlyinsanfrancisco.com.
THINGS TO DO IN LA
If you fancy going to the Getty Villa it's free, but you do need to book in advance.
The villa, in Malibu, is not to be confused with the Getty Centre where J. Paul Getty relocated his impressive collection of Western art. See www.getty.edu for information.
For other information on Los Angeles check out websites such as losangeles.com or lacity.org.
* Catherine Masters went to San Francisco courtesy of Air New Zealand.