KEY POINTS:
I didn't really need a Wilderness Experience, living, as I do, out in the wop-wops surrounded by native bush and big, dumpy wood pigeons.
But, unlike my piece of backwoods charm, Treetops Lodge and Wilderness Experience offers a jaw-dropping level of luxury and service that you sure don't get at home. So, yes, thanks very much, a weekend sans 3-year-old at one of New Zealand's flashest addresses would be great.
Treetops Lodge is just out of Rotorua, and its generous sweep of over 1000ha takes in part of the Horohoro Bluffs range - a handsome escarpment that lies at the southern edge of the vast Mamaku Plateau.
The lodge is substantial - modern, single-storey and finished in stone and timber with a shingle roof but harking back to more modest pioneer dwellings of old.
The moat around the front door has rainbow trout. And there are the stuffed creatures mounted on the walls inside.
Big squishy couches in the Library, a vast billiards table in the Games Room, lovely smells coming from the kitchen and someone smiley offers us a cup of tea and homemade chocolate chunk-studded biscuits to eat in the Great Room while we marvel at the luxury of it all ...
You can never forget that a major plank in the Treetops marketing strategy is as a luxury game lodge: the property's beginnings were as owner John Sax's hunting retreat, before he hit on the idea of combining the love of catching things with doing it in style and relaxing in five-star luxury.
You're welcome to walk the network of bush tracks, ride a horse or watch the birds, but plenty of mostly overseas clients come here to hunt pigs, rabbits, pheasants or one of four species of deer on the estate, or cast a line to catch trout.
Not me, though. I see enough wild animals at kindergarten. So I am content to just look at the wildlife. We are keen to get some walking in before dinner but once we are shown to our villa, I get the urge to do nothing. Our villa, one of eight hidden in the bush, is well appointed - leather couches, feather duvets, pictures of game on the walls, fluffy bathrobes and goodies in the bathroom.
There are thoughtful little touches like umbrellas at the front door, sniffing potions to help you sleep, two sinks in case you and your friend get extremely dirty at the same time ...
But to justify using our two sinks, we have to go out and work up a sweat on the tracks. There are more than 70km of them at Treetops and one of the best is the Bridal Veil Falls Track, which ends in a pretty waterfall deep in the bush.
We explore many other trails and finish up by a lake with its own little beach, but looking at the ducks is making me hungry.
Cut to a fairly well scrubbed couple sitting in the dining room and watching the trout swim up to the window. Their large pond is lit from below and it rather looks as if the fish are swimming on the moon, which adds to the other-worldly feeling about the lodge.
The Treetops chefs do a five-course set menu with a choice of mains. Tonight, it's heavy on the venison, which is harvested on the premises. It appears as an entrée (a terrine with pinot jelly) and we both opt for the venison fillet with thyme lentils du puy, red pepper jam and pinot jusette as a main.
The food is sensational and, by the time I'm squeezing in the last mouthfuls of passionfruit crème brulée with coconut biscotti, strawberries and hokey-pokey ice cream, I'm nearly squeezing out of my dress.
I drive our golf buggy back to the villa: quite a feat when you're wearing heels!
While we've been out, the chocolate fairy has turned down our bed and left something nice to nibble on ...
In the morning we have breakfast in the conservatory. Perched high up a valley, the lodge looks out and down on a glorious natural amphitheatre of native bush. It's a view that gives us an appetite, and I put away a croissant and eggs benedict with bacon - and then spend the day walking it off.
Today, we haul ourselves up to the top ridge on the Discovery Trail. It's hot and fine and we are thinking about dinner again by the time we get "home".
Dinner is at the "chef's table" and we talk to Richard as he works. He manages to turn out five-course meals and chat about his young twins at the same time. We're impressed - and the food is great, too.
The next day we fit in a horse ride before leaving. Diddy, the horse guy, is a local character and a mate of the owner. The trekking operation is quaint and rustic. The horses are fit and well behaved, but some of my tack is held together with bits of string and I have a beach towel for a saddle blanket. It does not lessen our enjoyment of the two-hour ride, which takes us up into the bush and past many deer.
Time to give back the keys to the golf buggy and stuff a few choc-chunk biscuits in my handbag. Real life beckons, but living in a five-star fantasy world sure has its good points!
Diana Balham was a guest of Treetops.
WHAT TO DO:
On-site activities at Treetops include bush walking, mountain biking, kayaking, horse riding, 4WD safaris, geocaching, Maori food trails, birdwatching, clay shooting, archery, hunting and fly fishing (some at extra cost). Off-site activities such as visits to thermal areas, White Island and Mt Tarawera, fly fishing and cruising on Lake Tarawera can be arranged.
ACCOMMODATION:
Villas start at $890 per person per night (off-peak) for double or twin; lodge rooms start at $550 per person per night (off-peak). Rates include accommodation, full breakfast, pre-dinner cocktails, four-course dinner and selected activities. Special packages are available. For further details go to treetops.co.nz.
