However, the thought of luxuriating in the French capital's 16th arrondissement provided ample motivation to invest.
Thoughts of popping down to the local patisserie to butcher lines like "je voudrais deux croissants et deux chocolats" or leaning against the apartment's wrought-iron balcony to glimpse the lights of the Eiffel Tower were intoxicating.
A trip to a camping store and a series of Google-translated emails sorted the rules of engagement via homeforexchange.com.
Jean and Christine arrived in February and cut a 4500km automotive path through the country over three weeks.
Four-and-a-half months later, they met us off the Eurostar at Gare du Nord, having driven from their second home in Normandy.
We weaved west through Paris' northern suburbs after armed undercover cops had questioned us for terrorism links, a bitter echo of January's Charlie Hebdo massacre.
Our arrival coincided with a heatwave. Jean opened the apartment door.
Voila! A figment of our imagination was to become home for almost three weeks.
Picture Alfred Hitchcock's Rear Window apartment. We were perfectly poised to observe Parisians go about their daily lives.
As we soaked up the atmosphere, some rustling in the kitchen saw Jean emerge with three cold lagers. The beer was the alcoholic equivalent of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture booming down our gullets on what we discovered was the hottest July day since 1947.
The apartment exceeded expectations to such a degree that, despite being in one of the world's most vibrant cities, we loved simply stocking up at the local shops and returning each evening for tete-a-tetes while watching the city go to sleep from the comforts of the art deco furniture.
Ruminating over fresh bread, brochettes de rumsteck, summer salad and a bottle of Bordeaux's finest fermented grapes takes some trumping.
Immersing ourselves into the marketplace also helped realise a trip ambition.
We aimed to liberate ourselves from the prisons of our English tongues by speaking only French when ordering.
We found the best plan was to carefully prepare what to say, lather it in "s'il vous plait" and "merci" and make a quick exit before the conversation self-destructed into putting "le" and "la" in front of English words.
Jean and Christine's Paris apartment. Photo / Andrew Alderson
Our other favourite activity, especially with 20-month-old Jack ensconced in his stroller, was to criss-cross the Seine, walking the boulevards and bridges of this architectural theme park.
Such miles in the legs are important. They give you the best chance to test your arteries against some of the world's finest cheese and croissants.
Our stroller covered more territory in the heart of the city than the chase scene in the Da Vinci Code.
Still, it beat carrying him, pharaoh-style, through the Metro. Any potential enfant terrible threats were quelled by ensuring playgrounds and hot chips were en route.
In essence, Jean and Christine made our house swap an experience of a lifetime. They even babysat one night so we could sample their favourite restaurant, Le Trumilou, on the Seine. They also took us to their prime spot in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower on Bastille Day to witness the ultimate in pyrotechnic patriotism.
Seldom have we finished a holiday basking in such joie de vivre.
The sooner the next suitable email arrives, the better.
HOUSE SWAP TIPS
Do: • Look for people with a reason to visit New Zealand, such as grandparents catching up with grandchildren.
• Offer a car. Insurance companies are generally okay with overseas drivers (over 25) when notified.
• Find out what they want to do, to tailor your offering. Corresponding through a few emails also helps gauge whether they're people you want marauding through your castle.
Don't: • Get despondent about "tyre-kickers" delivering messages from places you have no desire to go. You might also deliver a few wildcards. Prepare to work on a wide ratio of 1:20 to get a suitable spot.
• Be unrealistic. Aim high but when the owners of the multimillion-pound pad in Mayfair say they are "busy" for the next decade, swallow your pride and move on.
• Expect to go in their summer or winter. Shoulder seasons can be the most convenient to work with.
CHECKLIST
Getting there: Cathay Pacific offer daily connections to Paris via Hong Kong in Economy, Premium Economy and Business Classes.
