If you suffer this terrible affliction you are not alone. Ray Warren's fear of flying nearly ended his commentating career when he refused a plane trip to the Los Angeles Olympics. Fred Dagg hardly ever comes home because he hates flying. The Lord of The Rings cast and crew had to wait for scaredy-cat Sean Bean to walk up to their mountain sets.
For generations people have struggled to solve this debilitating phobia with various techniques.
My mate Spooge uses the dozen beers method. While it gives him the courage to board the plane, inflight problems can mount up. Recently he lost control of his feet on his way back from the toilets, tripped and knocked over the drinks trolley.
If you've seen how prissy cabin crews get when they see a bag not under a seat, imagine how annoyed they get when you spill 400 sugars, 200 little milks and a hot coffee pot.
The alcohol-assisted fear management system is far from foolproof. Seven years ago it backfired on another friend. She woke to find her name and a series of Cs and Bs scribbled on the toilet walls on a flight from LA.
In a confused state she fell out into the aisle, pants down. Grabbing a wine off a stranger's tray table she stumbled between seats yelling 'who's been writing my name in the toilet'. After a small chase she was restrained by her boyfriend who informed her that she had graffitied the toilet walls herself.
If you've seen how angry cabin crews get when you don't return your seat to the up position, imagine how angry they get when you write your name all over the toilet before wandering with no pants on yelling.
Personally, I enjoy drugging myself on international flights using those blue oval pills from the doctor. It's a great way to fight air boredom.
Recently I popped some, drifted off and woke up mid-flight bent over, dribbling on a 70-year-old lady's lap. After a few wines I asked her how long I had been invading her space. Turns out it was a comfortable five hours. Apparently I was too heavy to push off.
One thing for sure is you're not frightened while unconscious. You are, however, likely to humiliate yourself.
Which brings me to my idea - a luxurious mix of pharmaceutical, flying and funerals.
People afraid of flying would be administered a general anaesthetic before international travel, put into a coffin-shaped capsule and loaded like luggage. There'd be an inflight health professional to monitor the unconscious cargo. Then, 12 hours later, the happy traveller would be woken at their hotel, refreshed and ready to enjoy their holiday or conduct business.
Better still, the coffin-like capsules could be padded and fireproofed ensuring survival in the event of a crash. Imagine waking up in a pile of fiery wreckage refreshed, relaxed and ready to be rescued.
This could be air travel's next great advancement - Coffin Class.
I, for one, would love to be drugged, boxed and delivered.
