KEY POINTS:
I was having a breakfast of peanut butter pizza in a restaurant in Anaheim, California, when Goofy sat down beside me. Or rather it was someone dressed as Goofy. It was a pretty convincing outfit. I said, "Hi" and smiled, but Goofy didn't say anything. He got up and did a zany dance with some of the kids at the restaurant who were also eating peanut butter pizza, plus cupcakes, Mickey waffles, or M&Ms for breakfast. So much sugar - that can't be good, I thought.
But the kids were happy - especially when Goofy danced or when Donald or Minnie came by. One little girl screamed and cried and hid her face when Chip, or maybe Dale, came to their table. I found Chip, or maybe Dale, quite scary when he came to our table too.
The scene changed and I was high above a stage among a sea of paparazzi and TV cameras. People in wetsuits and flippers were smiling and dancing. Kids wearing orange-and-white striped hats in the shape of fish ran on stage. There was an inflatable whale in a pond behind the stage and several yellow submarines. A train painted like a yellow submarine glided into view on the monorail above the stage. There was a puff of smoke. Everyone clapped and looked very pleased. I saw a man in a black top with a Mickey armband. He was wearing camouflage pants and carried a riding crop. I was confused.
Then I was inside one of the yellow submarines that went around the pond. They didn't submerge. I looked out of the porthole. Someone said it was the coral of the Great Barrier Reef, but it looked fake. I saw an orange-and-white striped fish. It wasn't real. It was a cartoon in the water. Everyone was very excited.
I sat in an auditorium looking at a screen that looked liked an aquarium. Inside the screen a 3D cartoon sea turtle called Crush swam and bumped his head on the glass. The 3D cartoon engaged with the audience, picked people out and talked to them. He said, "Totally, dude" - like a stoned Aussie surfer. The audience said, "Totally, dude" back. There was no choice.
The scene changed to night time. I walked along a blue carpet past thin teenage girls dressed in turquoise outfits and yellow boots to a party beside the pond with the yellow submarines. Everyone wore Mickey Mouse hats with flashing ears. Soap bubbles filled the air. Someone asked me to put on a turquoise polo shirt that said, "Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage". I told them it wasn't my colour. The people in the shirts - I think they were journalists - had a group photo. I was excluded.
Next I was in a room with the people who wore the turquoise shirts. We sat in groups at round tables interviewing Disney executives. After eight minutes a bell rang and new Disney executives came to our table. We were speed dating.
"Did they ever consider using real fish in the Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage - like at Kelly Tarlton's?" I asked. "Well there's the problem of chlorine to keep the water clean," replied an executive. "And with real fish you can't really control where they go - this is a theatrical show." It sounded a bit fishy.
Interactivity and immersion in the storytelling was what it was all about. Immersion? A video-game industry term meaning to make the unreal and virtual so realistic you can't tell the difference. How do they do that? "We take a story and bring you into it," said an executive.
It became clear when I saw girls being taught how to bow and curtsey - learning to be Disney Princesses - at the Fantasyland Theatre where "happily ever after happens every day". Boys were learning something else - how to wield a light sabre, feel the force and fight Darth Vader at the Star Wars Jedi Training Academy in Tomorrowland. Teenagers and parents were immersed in a pep rally - shooting some hoops, doing the Wildcat Cheer and bopping frenetically to the High School Musical in the California Adventure Park.
There was a lot of merchandise - princess dresses, tiaras, wands, sceptres, princess shoes, purses, jewellery, Star Wars costumes, T-shirts, light sabres, character figures, plus lots of High School Musical stuff. Apparently it helps with the immersion.
Next I was with lots of parents and children in Toon Town. It had real cartoon buildings.
I walked over to the Gadgets Go Coaster. Young tots immersed in the metaphor of the roller coaster were learning how to deal with life's ups and downs - very quickly.
I heard that song: "It's a small world after all ... " People were getting into boats to float among singing animatronic dolls depicting cultures of the world . "This is a smiley, happy ride ... look, a magic castle," said a mother to a nervous child. "This song will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day," groaned his teenage sister.
Then I was in the penthouse of the Disney Hotel - Mickey's penthouse. Mickey was everywhere - on the bed covers, on the bedside lamp, on pictures on the wall, in the washbasin and on the tiles of the bathroom. There were Mickey cakes to eat and Mickey statuettes - including a particularly manic Mickey standing on one foot. This is Disney's year of a million dreams and so far 691,494 dreams have been randomly given away. Some people apparently dream to stay in this penthouse with manic Mickey.
The Disney executives really wanted me to feel what it was like to give away a dream. I found a family in the crowd - Rylie (7), Cydne (11), Lyndsey (16) and their Uncle Rik - and offered them a ride on the Finding Nemo Submarine Voyage before it had opened to the public. It made the girls, who all wore lanyards around their necks with tradeable pins featuring Disney characters, very happy. Lyndsey liked the narrative, Cydne liked the underwater 3D animation. And Rylie liked it when the whale bumped into the sub. When you manufacture the dreams, you can make them come true. I saw a parade of dreams - the Lion King, Cinderella, Alice in Wonderland, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs magically materialise.
Now things became fast-paced. I was "Soarin' over California" on a pretend hang glider. Then I was "California Screamin"' - accelerating from zero to 88.5km/h in four seconds and looping upside down in a rollercoaster around a giant Mickey head. I got off after 2.36 minutes to look at the photo. Everyone had their hands up and were laughing or screaming. Except me. People said I looked bored. Actually, by then I was in shock.
I took a breather in the Enchanted Tiki Room with 150 animatronic, talking, singing and dancing birds, and flowers. I felt strangely compelled to take a series of themed rides to nowhere. The Indiana Jones Adventure was a jeep that careened around the inside of an ancient temple where the walls swarmed with bugs and snakes. In the Haunted Mansion a ghost got into my carriage. On a boat among animatronic Pirates of the Caribbean there was an animatronic Johnny Depp. On Space Mountain the roller coaster lurched and lunged through a black and starry space. In Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters you shot at targets with infrared laser guns as you travelled. I got 9600 points. My travelling companion got 540,000.
After the rides I had lunch at Club 33. The staff said there was a 20-year waiting list to join the club. Nicolas Cage was a member. Davy Crockett's rifle was on the wall. Walt Disney built the restaurant to entertain guests but he died before it was finished. The staff pointed out where Walt planned to put microphones in the chandeliers to listen in to conversations. Whoa.
A Disney person at the table was talking about the need for mental real estate - figments of imagination - that looks realistic.
"If the figment becomes emotional and the audience starts to bond with it then you have a home run," he said happily. "What we do here is theatre in a landscape using architecture."
Which is another way of saying the whole place is barking mad. But I found myself striding purposefully through the landscape in search of some early morning theatre before the crowds arrived. I was in a hurry to get to Splash Mountain before the queues got too long. The day before, people waited for Finding Nemo for up to five hours.
There was a plaque dated July 17, 1955, which said this place was "dedicated to the ideals the dreams and the hard facts that have created America ... with the hope that it will be a source of joy and inspiration to the whole world". There was a statue of Walt Disney holding Mickey's hand. It looked a bit Stalinist except for the Sleeping Beauty Castle in the background.
The crowds were beginning to arrive. A lot of people were wearing pirate hats. Kids were buying plastic cutlasses. I got to the mountain and climbed into a hollowed-out log. "You're going to get wet," said the boy getting out. We floated through a mountain with cheerful singing, animatronic woodland and farmyard animals. The singing got more and more frenetic, rising to fever pitch and then the log went over a big drop. I got wet.
I felt I was running out of time. I ran into the Hollywood Tower Hotel. It was run-down and had been struck by lightning. A man dressed in a 1930s bellhop uniform ushered me into an elevator car full of people. A voice said: "You are the passengers of a most uncommon elevator, about to take the strangest journey of your lives." The elevator dropped. I was falling. People were screaming. Then I woke up. I had been sleeping on one of those wonderful lay flat beds in Air New Zealand Business Class. It was all just a dream. I looked out of the window and saw the uncomplicated architecture and familiar landscape of Auckland. There was no theatre.
* Chris Barton dreamed his way to Disneyland courtesy of Air New Zealand and Disney Destinations International.
Checklist: Los Angeles
Getting There
Air New Zealand flies to LA daily. More information at www.airnewzealand.co.nz.
Where To Stay
For convenience and ease of access try to stay at one of the resort hotels: Disney's Grand Californian Hotel & Spa, Disneyland Hotel, Disney's Paradise Pier Hotel.
Where To Eat
Goofy's Kitchen, Disneyland Hotel.
What To Do
The Disneyland Resort, Disney's California Adventure Park and Downtown Disney will keep you occupied for days and then some.
Tips
Go to the park early in the morning to beat the crowds. Use fast passes to beat the queues. Go back to your hotel in the middle of the day and chill out by the pool. Return late afternoon and stay for the fireworks finale.
Further Information See http://disneyland.disney.go.com/
