Today’s dilemma: which pool should I take a dip in? The one two metres from my room? Or should I schlep another 50 steps to the other unoccupied pool I can see from my doorstep? Perhaps there’s a better pool around the corner?
As someone whose childhood “holidays” involved being crammed into the back of an ageing sedan driven by a chain-smoking leadfoot, staying at a resort with 41 pools, 53 hot tubs, 20-plus tennis courts and several golf courses seems a little excessive. Lying around at luxury resorts isn’t something I often do. Heading off on multiday hikes, road-tripping to a personal holy grail or stretching my pennies by staying at non-descript budget hotels is my usual modus operandi.
So what’s on my agenda today? Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. I’m going to enjoy what’s known as a holiday. And I’ve gone all-in on this resort caper by checking into what just could be the mother of all resorts: La Quinta Resort & Club.
La Quinta Resort and Club in Palm Springs is located in the Greater Palm Springs area of California's Coachella Valley. Photo / Supplied
Located in the Greater Palm Springs area of California’s Coachella Valley, this sprawling, historic resort that’s stood since the 1920s, ticks off the Palm Springs trifecta: There are palm trees, a blue sky that looks like it’s been enhanced by CGI and lots and lots of golf carts. And then there are the pools.
Usually, pool areas are a key battleground in resort skirmishes. Kids love splashing, squealing and terrorising each other in pools. Most adults prefer a peaceful poolside experience sans cannonballing kids. Many adults have also conveniently forgotten that they too were once excitable children who enjoyed wholesome aquatic pursuits. La Quinta Resort & Club has declared a truce on the long-running adults vs kids pool war by having a ludicrous number of pools spread across the property.
Oh, the pool you want to swim in is full of kids? Go choose another one out of the 40 other pools within striking distance. There’s the main pool (for everyone), an adults-only pool (for guests over 21) complete with poolside bar, lap pools (for fit types who want to smash out a few laps while on holiday), and casita pools (smaller pools scattered around the resort). And for guests who can’t bear the thought of sharing a pool with strangers, there are private pools available too.
A sense of privacy and seclusion is key to the resort’s success. You’d expect a resort with more than 700 rooms would be a crowded, soulless entity devoid of charm but clever design and ample space (the resort sits on 45 acres of gardens) mean it’s easy to find pockets of peace.
This nonagenarian property also has something most modern resorts lack: character. The hacienda-style casitas have cute blue doors and matching shutters, and splashes of hot pink bougainvillea creep up and over the white walls. The Santa Rosa Mountains backdrop looks so perfect, I keep half-expecting a Hollywood set painter to abseil past having successfully completed his masterpiece.
La Quinta Resort and Club ticks off the Palm Springs trifecta - palm trees, blue sky and lots of golf carts. Photo / Supplied
The guest list of stars that have stayed at this resort over its 90-plus years covers all ends of the fame spectrum. From the golden age of Hollywood greats (Joan Crawford, Ginger Rogers, Greta Garbo, Clark Gable), to ex-presidents (Clinton, Reagan, Ford, Bush) and sports hall of famers (Michael Jordan, Roger Federer, Jack Nicklaus, Wayne Gretzky). Legendary Hollywood screenwriter and film director Frank Capra also wrote many of his best screenplays from a casita at the resort, a place he dubbed the “Shangri-La of screenwriting”.
Food of the gods
Eating is a huge part of any holiday and beyond destroying bags of Cheetos in-between swim sessions, I make a beeline for one of the resort’s many eateries. Mexican cuisine is always a solid option in California, so the Adobe Grill catches my eye. One glance at the menu and I know I’m in for a good time.
The menu features everything a Mexican restaurant menu should (tacos, empanadas, enchiladas, fajitas) but it really goes the extra mile by offering more than 100 types of tequila and a cart that’s wheeled out by an avocado master who makes tableside guacamole just to your liking. Since California produces most of the avocados in the USA, this is the ultimate place to get your fill.
Our guacamole queen effortlessly constructs next-level guacamole with all the skill you’d expect from someone behind the wheel of a cart dedicated to providing punters with a customised version of everyone’s favourite avocado dip. Extra points awarded for having a bottle of tequila in her guacamole-making arsenal.
From jugs of margaritas to poolside champagne cocktails, alcohol also flows freely here. Even the day spa has a “vino therapy” session comprised of a wine flight and massage combo, so be sure to book in if mixing alcohol and wellness is your thing.
La Quinta Resort and Club in Palm Springs has 41 pools and 53 hot tubs. Photo / Supplied
Paradise Valley
While it’s tempting to not leave el Rancho Relaxo at all (swimming pools as far as the eye can see will do that to you) the Coachella Valley has a surface well worth scratching if you can tear yourself away from the strong lure of doing sweet FA all day.
Beyond being home to one of the world’s most Instagrammed music festivals, the Coachella Valley’s desert terrain is far from barren. You can go hiking in Indian Canyons, head to a higher elevation on the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway or go on a tour of the area’s omnipresent wind farms.
I head out on a desert adventure to explore the slot canyons and palm oases of the San Andreas Fault with Red Jeep Tours. Spending half a day learning about plate tectonics may not be high on your list of holiday goals, but it sure is fun wondering what would happen if an earthquake struck while standing right near the fault line responsible for the quake that levelled San Francisco in 1906.
Exploring canyons and existential dread-inducing fault lines is a dusty, sweaty affair best remedied by a pool break. Returning to the resort, the friendly bartender obliges with a poolside ale and alcohol-spiked ice-block. I kick off my shoes, grab the never-ending bag of jumbo Cheetos and hit the deckchair for another session in heaven.
After nine decades of hosting presidents, Oscar-winning actors, sports stars and lazy pool bums like myself, La Quinta Resort & Club is still very much the host with the absolute most.
Checklist
PALM SPRINGS
GETTING THERE
From October 28, United Airlines will fly direct from Auckland to LA three times a week.
