James Griffin: Mile high fight club

Opinion

What on earth is going on in the skies over New Zealand? No, I'm not talking tornadoes or any other weather-related phenomena here. I am, of course, referring to the battle between Air New Zealand and Jetstar for the hearts and minds of inter-city commuters as they zip this way and that over this fair land. It is open warfare over our heads, people! And, as anyone who has read a Commando comic knows, if you control the skies you are streets ahead in the battle on the ground.

But I'm not entirely sure I understand Jetstar's tactics in this war. They seem, from my sideline window seat, both feet firmly on terra firma, to consist largely of finding new ways to piss off Jetstar customers. Then, after each new muck-up at the check-in, the company rolls out some Australian bloke/sheila who tells the press that it's all Air NZ's fault. My best guess here is that this campaign strategy was devised after studying the overwhelming success the Americans are having with the war in Iraq.

But if Jetstar's plan of attack is baffling, then Air NZ's is completely beyond my comprehension, given that it seems to consist entirely of getting people naked and then covering them in paint. I mean, I know I'm not the world's best when it comes to understanding TV advertising, but what the hell body-painting has to do with air travel, I have no idea. Apparently it was meant to indicate Air NZ has "nothing to hide" but: (a) in my experience what airlines generally do manage to hide is my luggage, in a city where I'm not; and (b) if it truly has "nothing to hide" why is it painting over everyone?

This intersection of body-painting and aviation has me hugely worried. Call me old-fashioned but I'd really prefer the person piloting my aircraft to be wearing an actual uniform, rather than letting it all hang free and at one with the cosmos. Actually, come to think of it, where would you find an air-crew willing to work clad only in body paint? Air Playboy?

And wouldn't OSH have something to say about this? I mean, if you're a baggage-handler, working on the tarmac in a howling gale on your usual Wellington day, you probably want to be wearing more than a layer of watercolour, which would probably wash off before morning smoko anyway. Also, while handling all that baggage, without the protection protective gear provides over and above a layer of paint, isn't there serious danger of things getting crushed, between two bags, say?

At a corporate level, surely Rob Fyfe and his team turning up in the buff at Boeing to negotiate the purchase of some shiny new 787s isn't exactly playing it close to the chest. Sure, it might give them the element of surprise initially but the tell-tale signs when the negotiations are pushing all the right buttons for the Air NZ camp might be hard to miss.

But at the most basic of basic levels, what if the practice of flying Air NZ while clad only in an artwork spreads to the passengers? You're on a flight to Wellington and you look over and there is Mark Sainsbury wearing only a moustache, a smile and a nattily rendered impressionist 3-piece suit? That's not exactly flying the friendly skies.

Mind you, if you're flying Air NZ as a consenting couple, or you happen to meet a similarly non-attired person of similar mind, to whom you are attracted, then the lack of actual clothing does remove one impediment when it comes to joining the Mile High Club. Of course, as you make your way back to your seats, trying to look cool, everyone is going to know exactly what you've just been doing, because of the smudging mainly. Try that on Jetstar and see how far you get. Not past check-in is my guess. Mind you, that seems standard practice no matter what you're wearing.

Look, I'm sure Jetstar and Air NZ will sort out their differences one way or the other - probably involving massive job losses on both fronts. Actually, come to think of it, maybe Air NZ is getting in first and what we're seeing is its clothing allowance budget being dispensed with, along with the actual clothing.

So when all is said and done, all I can really conclude from this whole sorry business is a sincere and profound hope that, for the good of passengers everywhere, these battling flyboys get their act together and stop the hurt. And if Air NZ can do its utmost to prevent the sans-clothing corporate mentality spreading to other sectors that would be good.

Because I really wouldn't like it if, the next time I visit my accountant, paint is all there is between him and me.