How to go it alone on holiday

By LOUISE MATTHEWS

You don't have to be brave to travel alone as a woman, but it can make the difference between cowering in your hotel room or getting out and meeting people and enjoying unimagined experiences.

Sometimes you have no choice but to travel alone, as a group of three of us have discovered over the years.

No one is usually free to come with me when I set off, nor are they planning to go where I'm going - a selection of two-month "stop-off and explore" trips on the way to Britain and back.

It was the same for Kathy Edmunds, of Pt Chevalier, who has explored China and Europe and even worked in an Icelandic fish factory. Sue Williams, who also travelled through China, has slogged solo through Africa and South America, with more hair-raising adventures than the rest of us.

"I could never find anyone compatible to travel with," she says. "The closest most of my friends came to visiting the lost city of the Andes was to watch the Discovery channel, and that's how they liked it."

Travelling alone can bring extra worries, but also unexpected delights - sometimes the two go hand in hand.

The local guy in the middle of Bali's Ubud monkey forest offered to take a picture of me and its famous monkeys. His hope was that I would buy one of his paintings. Ubud is famous for being a centre of arts and craftsmen, so I was happy to have a look. Dana was polite and respectful and as his house was, he said, "very nearby", I followed him through the forest.

Quite a while later, still walking despite the regular "Not far now", I began to wonder if I had been wise, a familiar thought for any woman travelling alone who enjoys a bit of adventure. We seemed to be miles from civilisation. We were walking along the edge of a paddy field, behind village houses.

In the end the only advantage he took was that I would almost certainly buy a painting after walking all that way. Which I did, after meeting his shy wife and enjoying a cup of tea. Today the beautiful little watercolour hangs on my wall with more memories attached than if I had picked it up in an Ubud art gallery shop.

Edmunds hitchhiked around much of Europe and many people invited her home for meals, while one couple invited her to camp at their Isle of Wight country home. While she wouldn't hitchhike now, she says of all the lifts she accepted, from truck drivers and others, only one was dodgy.

"The truck driver attempted a slight mauling, but as I was getting out at the time, it honestly didn't bother me."

For her and most women travelling alone, personal safety is a constant companion which can mean you take extra care, rather than relaxing too much as you might do if travelling with a friend. You have to be careful not to be lulled into a false sense of security through travel guides, which rave on about some countries as being populated with friendly natives - or even your own opinion of what another country is like.

Every country has its nutters. I would never have dreamed of hitchhiking in England, where I grew up, but was happy to hitch around apparently safe and friendly New Zealand when I arrived here 13 years ago. Today I wouldn't have the courage to do so. Hitchhiking in pairs is no guarantee of safety either. In Australia, couples were the target of the Belanglo forest killer, with only one solo woman among his victims.

However we travel, all of us have found no problem with meeting others.

"You just interact so much more with strangers if you are on your own," says Edmunds.

Williams agrees: "People, especially from different cultures, are always so much more ready to approach you if you're on your own.

"Then you in turn become much more receptive to the people around you. Without someone to chat to, you'll be on the lookout for friendly locals - and end up learning so much more about the way they live. Women become eager to talk to you, whereas if you were with a man they'd be far too shy."

A disadvantage is paying "single" rates for some travel, and especially accommodation. However, all of us are now spoiled with the freedom of being alone.

You can do exactly what you want to do - you don't have to worry about pleasing someone else and making compromises when you are somewhere you might never get the chance to be again.

You avoid what you see in travelling "friends" who have not only irritated each other with their habits but, by the end of it all, hate each other.

"Travelling together can be a great way to ruin a good friendship," says Edmunds.

You have to adjust to doing things on your own that you, or society, expects you to do with others. I'm happy to enjoy a meal out on my own - but sometimes you're just not allowed to. When I was soaking up the atmosphere of Thailand in an eatery a neighbouring table insisted I join them as they couldn't bear to see me eat alone.

That would have been fine except they came from Te Atatu. Delightful though they were, you will get more of a feel for a place if you don't hang out with your own countryfolk. You can, though, get a little defensive about people feeling sorry for you. In Bali, two women travellers invited me to join them in going out that night.

I explained I was honestly quite happy mooching around by myself. "No, you don't understand," they said, "we've been together since leaving Ireland six months ago and we're really sick of each other's company - you'd be doing us a favour."

As a result of that night, they tipped me off when they heard about a cremation ritual the next day in another village, and we all clubbed together to get a ride to what turned out to be an amazing experience.

Anyone who speaks English is usually keen to practice the language -but be prepared for questions along the lines of "How old are you?", followed shortly by "Where is your husband?" and "Why are you not married?"

But always be aware of local culture, especially if it has different attitudes to women, not least those travelling alone. Williams was on a crowded bus on the way to the Egyptian Pyramids when she was groped by the man standing behind her. Instinctively she slapped him - only to be slapped back. "Even worse, everyone on the bus took his side - obviously a white woman alone was asking for trouble."

The bus driver put her off the bus, explaining apologetically that it would be safer for her, and she ended up walking 7km in the burning sun.

She hasn't completely changed her behaviour, though. "In Honduras, a man groped my breast as I passed. I beckoned him back and kicked him hard between his legs. Then I ran - just in case he had supporters!"

Choose your accommodation wisely. If you can afford a luxury hotel, great, but don't expect to meet many people, local or otherwise. Equally, if you end up in a resort you may be surrounded by couples and families.

Backpackers no longer equate with slumming it, and are a great way to meet fellow travellers, preferably from other countries. But do check their security, and the security of your room. You do want to be able to relax when you go to sleep.

In Central Ecuador, Williams was pestered by the hotel owner all day and evening. She was polite but firm and insisted she was not lonely as he poked his tongue through a gap in his front teeth. After the first night of him banging on the door asking to be let in, she moved to another hotel.

In Peru, on her birthday, in the dead of night, she felt a "presence" in her hotel room. She snapped on the light and discovered the desk clerk taking off his clothes. He smiled sheepishly and wished her a happy birthday, trying to pass his actions off as her present, but soon fled when she screamed.

"If in doubt about the staff, a chair under the door handle is very useful," she says.

Hotels aren't always available in remote parts, but homestays will give you more memorable experiences.

In northern Kenya, Williams was staying in a village where her family went to extra trouble to put on a "shower" for her. It involved an elderly man standing on a chair holding a bucket outside. By the time she had changed into her swimming costume, the whole village had come to watch and fall about laughing as she soaped up and was rinsed off.

All three of us, through travelling alone, have made friendships which we still have to this day. Edmunds and Williams met for only a few days while both were exploring China, and cemented the friendship when Williams lived in New Zealand before basing herself in Sydney. This year she published a book of her travel experiences - made more hilarious by the fact that she has no sense of direction whatsoever.

Overwhelmingly, our experiences have been positive ones, well worth the comparatively few unpleasant ones, and you never feel more alive than when you are travelling with only the unknown waiting around the next corner.

Now our preferred option is to travel alone. You do have to be extra careful, but so do even solo men nowadays, and developing danger awareness is useful in all parts of life.

If you have the urge at all, don't wait for "one day" when someone will come with you, and don't just stay at home dreaming about it - get out there!

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Enjoy, but take careful precautions

Having some particular things you want to do or see while travelling will keep your mind off the fact you are on your own, and give you things to look forward to - even though you may get happily sidetracked.

If you're feeling desperate for human company, strike up a conversation with "safe" people such as families, but don't be a "needy" friend. These people haven't come on holiday to keep you company.

Don't avoid going out for meals at night. Going into a strange place can be daunting on your own, but if you check out places or eat there during the day, this can be easier.

Ask people to take your photograph, but pick folk you can outrun before you hand over your camera.

Trust your instincts about places and people, but remember alcohol can affect your judgment. A rowdy bar may not be the best place to go on your own, and don't get drunk with strangers, or accept drinks you haven't seen prepared or bought yourself.

Be aware that as a single woman you may attract the type of male who assumes you must be lonely and would welcome their ape-like attentions.

If anyone is curious about your travelling alone, tell them about "family/friends" you are meeting.

Don't go off with people without letting someone, even just your hotel, know what you are doing - and make a show of this. If necessary, in any sticky situations, pretend to be part of another group of travellers/tourists - most are happy to oblige.

Don't give away your hotel room number or even where you are staying. Keep your money on you, preferably around your neck and under your clothes, but keep an emergency amount stashed away, along with a spare credit card. Carry photocopies of all your documents such as passport and tickets, and also leave copies with family or friends who can fax them to you.

Where possible let family or friends know your itinerary and arrange regular phone calls, but don't forget to make them.

Check in your guide book about dress codes. Sue Williams says she's seen women wearing tiny clothes which would be considered indecent on Piha Beach, let alone in the cities and conservative backwaters of other countries.

"Tight shorts that show vast expanses of derriere are, for example, shocking to Africans, who might not, at the same time, bat an eyelid at revealing tops."