Fergus Blakiston: Toeing the long and slow line

'Here's an idea: New Zealand passport holders, who have declared specific and easily inspected items, should be fast-tracked through the inspection process, not held up by ambivalent lackeys.' Illustration / NZ Herald

Trying to do the right thing to protect our borders is frustrating for Fergus Blakiston.

New Zealand's economy is based largely on agriculture. And to protect our primary industries from the risk of imported pests and diseases, an efficient and stringent quarantine regime needs to be maintained at our borders.

This has never been made clearer than with last week's discovery of Queensland fruit flies in Grey Lynn which could have reportedly "serious consequences" for our horticulture industry.

So, as I arrive at Auckland Airport after travelling in the Outback of South Australia, I am happy to declare my hiking boots and tent under the category "Other biosecurity risk items, including: ... items that have been used outdoors". I have an hour and 20 minutes to catch my connecting flight to Christchurch; plenty of time for immigration, Customs and the hike across to the domestic terminal.

Uh-oh. The queue into the MPI (Ministry of Primary Industries) quarantine inspection hall is long. Actually, it's three queues, bottle-necking down into one as it nears the inspection area. I have my tent and boots out, ready to be looked at as fast as possible. The boots are spotless: I scrubbed them in the shower of my Adelaide hotel the night before. Before I packed the tent for the last time I swept it out and sprayed it liberally with insecticide.

It is 6.50pm. My connecting flight boards at 7.10pm. An MPI officer saunters past, clutching a piece of paper. I hold up my boarding pass and say: "Excuse me, I have a connecting flight to catch. Could someone inspect my gear straight away?"

He looks at me and says: "Better get used to the fact that you will miss that flight."

Wait ... what? I begin a somewhat less polite reply. But I've seen enough of those Border Patrol TV shows to know that upsetting these drones will not be in my best interest. So I wait. The MPI staff pick through baggage containing piles of undeclared fruit and fish: the usual stuff.

I text my wife who is making a two-hour drive to collect me from Christchurch Airport. She has to stop and wait in Ashburton. Ashburton, for pity's sake!

Eventually, it's my turn. I tell the inspector about my impending flight and the care with which I cleaned my camping gear. She says she must inspect the tent and that I will miss my flight. I sit and wait. It is now 7.05pm. The tent is returned. It is clean and I'm free to go.

I complete the sprint to the domestic terminal in a new record time, throw my bags at the luggage conveyor and arrive at Gate 32 just as the doors are about to close. I find my seat under the baleful gaze of a plane-load of passengers I have made late.

My asthma attack is a minor inconvenience compared with the past hour.

Like a wise man once said, New Zealand's economy, based largely on agriculture, needs a stringent quarantine regime to protect our borders. And I'm sure MPI will say that their inspectors are only doing their jobs under difficult conditions, etc, etc, etc. But here's an idea: New Zealand passport holders, who have declared specific and easily inspected items, should be fast-tracked through the inspection process, not held up by ambivalent lackeys. For my part, after this nightmare, I won't bother trying to do my bit.

Next time I'll wear my boots and say nothing about the camping gear. (I can already hear the sound of my name being entered into a database for special attention. Oh well ... )