Virgin Voyages' Valiant Lady cruise ship offers something for everyone, whether you're looking to indulge or unwind. Photo / Supplied
Virgin Voyages' Valiant Lady cruise ship offers something for everyone, whether you're looking to indulge or unwind. Photo / Supplied
Razzle dazzle: the name given to the black-and-white disruptive patterning painted on ships in World War I and II designed to confuse the enemy about the ships' speed, distance and heading. On board Virgin Voyages' new fleet of Lady Class vessels, it's not only the name of one of the cruise line's signature restaurants but also a way to view the sailing experience: a contrast of the light and the dark; an angel on one shoulder a devil on the other.
I was aboard Valiant Lady in July for a week-long cruise of the northern Mediterranean out of Barcelona. Under a blazing summer sun, the light and the dark were in sharp relief. But there's subtlety and sophistication too on this new ship, much-needed shade - and colour - to excite, or soothe, all the senses.
Virgin Voyages call their guests Sailors, a nod to the expectation of active participation. It didn't take this sailor long, after the streamlined embarkation process, to get up to speed with the Virgin vibe: a fully amped rock opera-style musical safety video, followed by an in-your-own-time muster station check-in in the cool Mediterranean cabana-style hangout of The Dock House.
Striding around the Runway jogging track after the muster, closer to heaven than the Barcelona wharf 17 decks below, I glimpsed the Aquatic Club's main pool two decks down, where every shape of human was basting in the sun. A glowing runner breezed past, ponytail bobbing, fitness tracker flashing.
The Aquatic Club pool on board Virgin Voyages' Valiant Lady. Photo / @thefraserjames
Action? Sloth? What's a Sailor to choose? A bit of both, only to fall, dissatisfied, between two towel-covered loungers? I'm guessing most of my fellow voyagers plotted the same course as me: In Richard Branson We Trust. If the leisure-business billionaire believes vacationers want to party hard and pamper themselves at the same time, who are we to argue?
Nor can I argue with the decision to include gratuities, Wi-Fi, basic beverages, all the restaurants, and group fitness classes in the fare. It's simple, civilised. I didn't realise quite how civilised an adults-only cruise was either until the mere presence of children at my hotel post-cruise - including one brat who pushed the elevator button on every floor - left me unreasonably annoyed.
Civilisation and technology go hand in hand, effortlessly so onboard. Payment for drinks and services and access to your cabin is through a slender bracelet, which senses when you are approaching your room and activates the air-con and lighting. You control the TV, curtains and lighting, and order housekeeping or room service from a tablet. Our Sea Terrace cabin felt spacious with ample storage. The most intriguing tech is the king bed - which easily converts to a sofa. The thinking is that Sailors can entertain in their cabins without visitors having to sprawl on the bed. However popular that becomes, the bed itself was one of the most comfortable I've slept in.
Sleeping on the balcony, or at least napping, is definitely an option too. The scarlet-red hammock, easy to hook out of the way and just as easy to climb into, is a genius addition. They are handwoven by women in rural Thailand and as part of Virgin's social responsibility programme, you can buy one to take home. Sustainability and social responsibility extend to a ban on single-use plastic, carbon emissions offsetting and reducing waste by making all food to order.
There's plenty of time and space to relax on board a Virgin Voyages cruise. Photo / Supplied
Food, that all-important cruise consideration. On Valiant Lady, the options are vast, and the quality - helped perhaps by each restaurant having its own kitchen rather than an enormous communal one - was top-notch.
Italian restaurant Extra Virgin, all terracotta tiles, teal and trattorial elegance, served delicious carpaccio, a rich oxtail agnolotti and made a whole show of dessert, delivering my affogato from a cart laden with toppings of sambuca foam, pinenuts, tiny meringues and almonds. Should our enthusiastic server Andrea have been so excited to tell us affogato means "drowned"?
We ate three times at Wake, swanning down the staircase to enjoy tender filet mignon, delicate salt-crusted dorado and exceptional espresso, cocooned in booths of copper and cream.
To enter the crushed-velvet den of Mexican eatery Pink Agave one must first pass through a blinkingly bright tunnel of light globes. Your reward on the dark side is high-class food of the street, including piquant esquites, smoky roasted duck and fiendishly sweet chocolate tamales. For the record, the bar is a perfect spot for a round of tequila - or my favourite, mezcal - shots before hitting the clubs in Ibiza.
Shoju drinking games are not compulsory at Korea BBQ Gunbae but are a great way to cement friendships, or make new ones, over a sizzling hotplate. While at Test Kitchen - all glass, chrome and lab-coated servers - chefs challenge themselves to create a tasting menu, matched with wines or cocktails, from just a handful of ingredients.
Dinner at Gunbae is just one of the dining options on board Virgin Voyages' Valiant Lady. Photo / Supplied
The multi-station Galley is the go-to for any meal, including takeout options. I licked an ice cream a day at the gelato cart conveniently located near to the pizza shop on Deck 7. The angel on my shoulder whispered about the poke bowls and salads at the outdoor Sun Club on Deck 16.
Razzle Dazzle promises vege-focused food and delivered a wonderful gazpacho, sweet squash ravioli and a magnificent purple roasted heirloom cauliflower for dinner. But like a confused enemy fleet, I was misdirected to the "naughty" menu: the Grasshopper cocktail comes with a real grasshopper (I was relieved to see the Goldfish cocktail was NOT accompanied by a real goldfish), there's fried chicken, and the breakfast server was very happy to tell me the full English comes with black pudding.
Inevitably, I chose to believe the little devil, who convinced me all the food onboard belonged in the light.
Harder to believe is the wellbeing benefits of drinking. But Champagne bar Sip is so chic, and the standard of mixology onboard so high, anything seems possible. The first bar opens at 7am: Gym & Tonic by the well-being pool offers fresh juices within view of those working out in the B-Complex gym, where Sailors again must make a choice between dark and light.
Burn+Bike on the portside is a black tunnel of cardio machines promising pain for gain. Whereas bright decor on the starboard side offers strength and flexibility, and perhaps even enlightenment, in Build+Balance. Take out your frustrations on the punchbag at the Athletic Club, or align your chakras with sun worshippers' yoga high up on The Perch.
At the other end of the burning candle, Valiant Lady offers up-all-night entertainment with energy, muscle and glam, with two venues especially making it happen.
Dancers performing at 'Untitled Dance Party Show Thing', one of the entertainment offerings on Valiant Lady, a Virgin Voyages cruise ship. Photo / Supplied
The Red Room's versatility, with a number of tiered seating configurations and a movable stage, showcases Virgin's grown-up but fun performances. On the first night: Untitled DanceShowPartyThing - fluoro yellow and blue boilersuited dancers, ticker-tape bombs, neon, a pink whale, multimedia sound and fury; the show segued into, well, a dance party. Duel Reality makes the audience choose Team Red or Team Blue in a circus showdown of amazing artistry and bravura.
If one space encapsulates the light and dark dichotomy it is The Manor nightclub. Named after Branson's first recording studio, this two-storey, three-bar club could be a favoured hangout of Darth Vader's henchmen, just off the docking bay of the Death Star - scaffold railings, dark recesses, neon-rimmed rectangular portals and upside-down Daleks on the ceiling, just to confuse the sci-fi geeks. Here, we saw an early-evening variety show, a drag act with audience participation and swinging coconuts (!) and boogied late during the Studio 72 disco. But to enter or leave this den, you must first be irradiated, purified in a passage of cascading mirrored light.
Phew!
Razzle Dazzle, a vegetarian-forward (and omnivore-friendly) restaurant, on board Virgin Voyages' Valiant Lady. Photo / Supplied
Finally, some other highlights of this week-long invitation to indulge; first, the action:
Signature event Scarlet Night: processional entertainment ending at the Aquatic Club with an inflatable octopus, dancing in the shallows, bombing in the pool and chest-throbbing beats
Vicarious pleasure/pain watching Sailors receive their indelible souvenirs at Squid Ink, the only tattoo parlour on a cruise ship
Flicking through classic albums and reliving teenage record-shop memories via the turntables and headphones at Voyage Vinyl
And now the sloth:
The luxury and sheer relaxation of the thermal suite at Redemption Spa - pink salt room, black steam room, timbered sauna, heated marble hammam benches
Hanging out on the navy loungers at The Dock, the ship's wake mesmerising in the summer haze
Giving in to the effortless calm and efficiency shown by every crew member who served me with such grace.
In the song from the musical Chicago, hotshot defence lawyer Billy Flynn sings:
Give 'em the old Razzle Dazzle, Razzle dazzle 'em. Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous… And they'll beg you for more!
More is more on a Virgin Voyage: more turned on, more switched off; more Manor raves, more hammock snoozes; full steam ahead, Sailor, if you like it that way; hot tubs and mojitos if you don't - at your pleasure, your Ladyship.
Virgin Voyages offers adults' only cruises with an emphasis on fun. Photo / Supplied
Checklist VIRGIN VOYAGES DETAILS Valiant Lady's sister ship Resilient Lady, the newest vessel in Virgin Voyages' four-ship fleet, will cruise New Zealand and Australia from December 2023 to March 2024.
With itineraries of 2 to 14 nights, New Zealand destinations will include Picton, Napier, Tauranga, Auckland, Christchurch and Dunedin. Australia itineraries include stops at Hobart and Burnie, along with Sydney.
