Travelling with a partner can involve many unspoken expectations, especially when it comes to flights. Photo / 123rf
Travelling with a partner can involve many unspoken expectations, especially when it comes to flights. Photo / 123rf
We talk to a relationship expert about how couples can navigate an all-too-common travel dilemma and what responses are a ‘red flag’.
As long as airlines have flown people around the world, you can bet couples have struggled (read: argued) about what to do when one, and only one, is upgraded to business or first class.
A first-world problem? Unquestionably, but not trivial if its recent appearance in The New York Times’ ethics column is anything to go by.
Published in May 2023, the submission was titled “My Husband Flies First Class and Puts Me in Coach. Is That Fair?” and answered by the British American philosopher, Kwame Anthony Appiah, who writes the Times ethics column.
In the piece, Appiah responds to a person who is eager to know if they were wrong for feeling disrespected by their husband, who always flies first class but only ever books them (and their children, when they fly) economy seats.
“My husband has suggested travelling alone on a different flight ahead of us so that we don’t feel badly about the disparity, but this does not really address or solve the problem of the inherent selfishness in his thinking,” they write, before asking if they were ‘wrong’.
History aside, modern marriage is about two equals uniting, Appiah replies. This means both people should be respectful towards one another and consider each other’s needs.
With an impressive amount of tact, he avoids condemning the husband or judging his decisions but said they could take turns flying first class if, as the husband claims, the cost was the real issue.
“Each has a say in the making of significant decisions, and each cares about the other’s comfort and preferences,” he wrote.
The public, however, was a little less subtle.
“To be honest, I’d divorce this guy,” one reader wrote on a social media post to the article. “Divorce papers would shortly follow if that wasn’t the compromise; it’s representative of some serious issues in the relationship,” another wrote in reference to Appiah’s solution.
According to Herald columnist Nic Beets, a clinical psychologist and family therapist based out of Waihī, strong disapproval towards the husband’s decisions makes sense.
“It’s pointing to the exploitation of a structural power imbalance if you want to get really technical,” said Beets, who saw booking a better seat because someone earns more or has frequent flier status from work, and refusing to compromise, as a serious issue.
Psychologist Nic Beets is a specialist relationship and sex therapist. Photo / Dean Purcell
“They have a structural power imbalance because of the nature of their employment or maybe they’re the only one who’s employed and they don’t see that as a joint responsibility to deal with fairly and that’s a real red flag.”
However, getting an upgrade while standing at the check-in desk was ‘a very different situation’ Beets clarifies.
“I think if it’s happening in the moment when you’re standing at the counter and you had no warning, I think we’ve got to cut them some slack”.
If your loved one does get a golden ticket and you’re left fuming in economy, Beets said you may not be able to control your feelings but you can control how you process it; ideally with your partner and openly.
“I think if you’re feeling hard done by, it’s pretty important you have a conversation about that, but it’s important that it’s a conversation of exploration, not a conversation of accusation.”
Especially if you assumed they would offer you the better seat and were resentful when they didn’t.
“If you expected them to do it, but you didn’t say anything then getting too unhappy is a little unfair because they’re probably operating a different set of assumptions,” Beets said. This doesn’t make them wrong, he adds, just different.
Of course, if it’s a pattern, it requires a different approach, one Beets has written a whole chapter about in his book, Make Love Work.
But two key tips were to be curious, not confrontational and to talk about the result you do want, not just the situation you don’t want.
“Often people bang on about what their partner has done wrong and all they’re going to get in response is defensiveness and justification,” Beets explains.
“So one of the things to really try and focus on if you’re raising a problem with your partner is to talk about what you do want, not what you don’t want.”
