Caught short abroad

By JIM EAGLES

Every traveller has a toilet story. No, don't screw up your nose and shake your head, you know it's true. We've all had awful, desperate, funny, bizarre, spectacular experiences in the course of trying to do the inevitable in a foreign land.

My most entertaining experience occurred at a dilapidated restaurant on the shores of Inle Lake in Myanmar.

My wife and I had spent the evening having a great time drinking cold beer, eating spicy local food and enjoying the atmosphere, when eventually I needed to go.

The proprietor looked embarrassed and, with the aid of the one customer who spoke a little English, gave some incredibly complex directions for walking about 5km through this street and that to a school where there would be a light on outside a toilet.

I was grumpily contemplating going outside into the pitch darkness and finding a tree when the interpreter asked, "You want to make water?" Yes. "Ahhh."

Suddenly the proprietor was all smiles, gave me a torch and led the way through the kitchen to a rickety structure hanging from the back of the building over a canal. He pointed to a section which was curtained off, drew attention to all the gaps in the flooring and pushed me in the right direction. That all worked very well until my wife, brimming with overconfidence, went without the torch and in the darkness ended up sitting on a woman who was already in position.

Far from being affronted the woman emerged giggling and shared the fun with the rest of the customers. It was a marvellous night.

However, that pales into insignificance beside some of the tales which emerged when I asked a bunch of travel agents to share some of their loo life.

Gary Condon, from Fort St Flight Centre, came up with a tale from Corfu.

"I was sitting in a restaurant when I heard a tremendous explosion, rushing water and screaming. This guy had been sitting on the toilet when a phenomenon called a blow-back occurred. It happens when toilet paper blocks the pipes - the gas builds up and blows all the waste of the day back up the toilet. The poor guy walked out covered in ... " Well, we'll leave it there.

That's why in many parts of the world you never flush your toilet paper.

Les Purdy, of United Travel, reckons the best view from a toilet is "at the top of the first gondola on the Matterhorn up from Zermatt."

Suzanne Bailey from Christchurch's South City Flight Centre describes the toilets at the Monte Carlo casino as a must-see experience.

"The bathroom has exquisite marble decor and the toilets are all electronic.

"When you enter the cubicle the toilet lid automatically rises, you push a button and a toilet seat cover automatically comes out and, finally, once you have finished, when you stand up the toilet automatically flushes.

But Sandra Toland, from United Travel, warns that some electronic toilets can be a bit tricky.

"If you're using an electronic toilet in France ensure you dress before flushing. Once you hit the flush button it activates the door which opens automatically whether you're ready or not."

Kate Parry from United Travel offers a similar warning about Italian loos.

A further cautionary tale comes from United Travel's Russell Byrne, whose wife used a public toilet in the Cameron Highlands of Malaysia and was puzzled that she could here voices below her. "The toilet was a long drop over a river and when she went to lower the lid she realised that people were walking along a ledge close to the bank - with a very clear view if they looked up."

Nicole Manilal, of Counties United Travel, says that on a recent visit to Russia "you couldn't flush the toilet if you had a shower or a tap running. Obviously the toilet was last on the list to have water provided."

Jude Pohlmann from Timaru Flight Centre recalls nearly losing a 4-year-old brother down an Asian longdrop. "Dad was happily showering away when he happened to turn around at the right time as my brother who couldn't quite make his little legs reach was slipping into it."

Nicole Manilal, of Counties United Travel, strongly advises emptying pockets before using a squat toilet. "It's not," she says with feeling, "pleasant to have to fetch your cellphone after the ablution process."

Here's another from my own list, which happened quite close to home.

Some years ago when fellow journalist Terry McGrath and I were partners in the Northern News we were enjoying a few beers with old friends in Auckland.

When we got to the old Sea Bee base at Mechanics Bay the plane was already ready to leave.

We had barely skimmed over North Head before we wanted to go and by the time it landed at Paihia the situation was dire. Before the amphibian had taxied to a halt at the top of the ramp in Paihia the door burst open and we exploded out, eyeballs bulging in desperation, and sprinted past our bemused families for the information centre building.

Discovering that the loo was actually on the other side of the aircraft we sprinted back past our families, watched with amazement by a small crowd of onlookers, before reaching nirvana.

That taught me a valuable lesson.

Next week we'll move to a series of hints from experienced travellers about how to avoid toilet problems when travelling in foreign lands.