The Jean-Michel Cousteau Resort in Fiji has a complimentary nanny service, but it costs heaps to stay there. Photo / Supplied
The last time the three of us travelled en famille was, in fact, the only time. Once bitten, twice shy (for "bitten" also read "gnawed", "shrieked at", "peed on" and "vomited at" - the last a sight far more spectacular than any the husband and I had witnessed before our weekend in Rotorua).
In fact, my recollections of the place amount to not much more than the clean but unambitious décor of the motel unit we had intended to use as a base for our explorations, but which became, thanks to babe, the raison d'etre of the trip itself. Ah, togetherness.
I would not (indeed, cannot) go anywhere without the adored, adoring infant. But all the biting, gnawing, shrieking and vomiting that a mum takes in her stride at home, even expects, somehow runs contrary to the idea and spirit of "holiday".
Babe, I think - I even beg - we're stimulating your brain with new places, sights, sounds and, in the case of Rotorua, smells too. We're giving you a break. Please give us one.
Babe's answer? Another arcing spurt of upset, angry, where-the-hell-are-we-I-want-my-cot vomit.
It would be easier to stay at home till he is no longer the collection of bodily functions I dote on, but sometimes one must get out of the house. For a night or two at least; ideally, for a week or two overseas.
So rather than contemplate the prospect of sleeping in my own bed for the next 15 years, I have made it my business to find out where in Godzone, and on Earth, the husband, the babe and I could enjoy a holiday together. Now, I share this wisdom with you all.
First, you've got to ask yourself: what exactly are you seeking a holiday from? Nappies? Interrupted sleep? Tantrums? If so, perhaps you'd better just send the baby on holiday while you sit in front of the TV. Babies are like the elderly - they like their routines and their beds and they expect their meals to be on time. If you don't deliver, they'll suffer and take you down with them.
And, despite their deceptively small size, babies just aren't all that portable. By the time you've packed a week's nappies, clothes and food, a portacot that weighs at least as much as the baby, the frontpack, the backpack, the sling, the pram, the car seat, the teddy bear, the spare teddy bear, the bottles, a dozen toys, the Pamol, the gripe water, the teething gel, the nappy cream, the baby monitor and much, much, much more, there's not going to be any room for your book. Which is not really a problem because your chances of getting time to read it are slim.
Unless, that is, you pick the right holiday. After The Rotorua Debacle, I made it my goal in life (ambition went out the door when baby came in) to track down the baby-friendliest holiday it was possible to have. I talked to travel agents, I talked to friends, I talked to friends of friends.
I even accosted the bed-hair-crowned, bloodshot-eyed newish mother sitting opposite me in the waiting room at Plunket.
Let's declare right now: for the purposes of this article, 24-hour flights and attempts on Everest are out. I'm thinking small, I'm thinking easy, I'm thinking baby-friendly. But above all I'm thinking parent-friendly.
A Google search quickly revealed that the Mecca for baby-friendly holidays has to be North and Central America, where many resorts offer full childcare centres, 24-hour nannies, nappy-washing, chef-prepared baby meals, baby-proofed accommodation, fully kitted-out nurseries, toys and play rooms.
One spa in Arizona even boasts 300-thread-count cot sheets and luxury baby toiletries. But Arizona is a baby-unfriendly, 14- hour flight away, including a stop at the dreaded LAX. So I set out to find the baby-friendliest places within comfortable reach of New Zealand - those that offer more than just a portacot; those that go out of their way to welcome babies. It was harder than it might sound.
"North America does baby-oriented resorts very, very well, but the South Pacific and even Australia not so much," said my first point of call, Flight Centre communications manager Melanie Pohl.
"Most have some kind of kids' club for children 2 or 3 or older, but very few have anything for children younger than that."
But some resorts "really stood out", she said. The pick of them - and this was a name I heard a lot when talking to travel agents - was Jean-Michel Cousteau Resort on Vanua Levu in Fiji. (Jean-Michel is the eldest son of the famous ocean explorer Jacques.)
The resort's biggest selling point for the reproductively blessed is a complimentary dedicated nanny for every child under 5 between 8am and 9pm (you can also pay for after-hours babysitters). The nanny may be free (and your baby stays for free) but you'll pay generously for the privilege - the cost for two adults staying in the cheapest bure is about $1100 a night. Sigh. If only the paltry post-partum income stretched that far.
Still, the general consensus among the travel agents was that the Pacific Islands were the best place to holiday with a baby.
And Australia wasn't far behind. Flight Centre suggested Hamilton Island in the Whitsundays and the affordable Paradise Resort on the Gold Coast, both of which have childcare facilities. But there was surprisingly little offered in Asia outside baby-sitting services.
Club Med suggested its La Pointe aux Canonniers, on the Indian Ocean island of Mauritius, which offers childcare for babies aged 4 months and up and has a "baby restaurant". But you're looking at a flight time of around 14 hours from New Zealand, plus transit time in Australia.
So back to the Pacific it was. Sarah Harrop, travel broker for agency Itchy Feet and a mother of two, recommended booking an apartment with a kitchen on the Fijian island of Denarau - "good pools, a choice of restaurants and baby-sitters [and] only 15 minutes from the airport".
Baby-sitting was cheap at $5 an hour, so you could afford to have time on your own without the children. Of course a resort doesn't have to offer Evian water for your baby's bottle and a personal nanny to be baby-friendly.
My friend Helen Jackson, a Napier mother of two and fearless baby-traveller, took her elder child, Bella, to Tonga when she was 16 months old. They stayed at the Ha'atafu Surfing Resort which, as you can guess from the name, markets itself more to the surfing crowd than families. It turned out to be quite a find.
"It's very basic but the Tongan people go out of their way and love babies ... There was a real family feel about the place."
Jackson has also taken Bella on a "wicked" tramp around the Queen Charlotte Track in the Marlborough Sounds. Bella, then 9 months old, went in a special backpack and the family gear travelled by water taxi, so they needed to carry only lunch and a day bag. But, crucially, Jackson's parents came along for the ride.
You could do much worse than think about beach rentals - among the most baby-friendly accommodation in New Zealand (try www.holidayhomes.co.nz, www.holidayhouses.co.nz or www.bookabach.co.nz).
But my single most important discovery in this exercise was less about a destination and more about an attitude. I have concluded that the best favour you can do yourself is to lower your expectations. Relegate 20-cities-in-10-days trips to your misspent youth and play it very low-key. One city in 10 days is much more like it. One beach in 10 days - with personal nanny and baby restaurant - is better.
But I am going to go one step further. Which is actually one step less, as will presently become clear. With my new a-holiday-isn't-a-destination-but-an-attitude mantra in mind, I've finally found the perfect baby-friendly spot. It's a home away from home. Well, actually, it's a home at home. And the littlest one is bound to co-operate.
It's so clever I'm thinking of trademarking it. It's called a Holiday At Home. We'll turn off the phones, unplug the internet and the TV, hire a gardener, a cleaner and a baby-sitter, go sightseeing, dine out, drink port in front of the fire, read books and sleep well. I wonder if it's possible to order home-delivery breakfasts.
Perhaps it's not such a bad thing to face the prospect of sleeping in my own room for the next 15 years after all. It just requires a change in attitude. And a hell of a lot less money.
Family-friendly tips:
"Don't travel short trips around New Zealand at night as resettling a baby at the other end in a portacot or new environment is difficult. Aim to arrive around lunch so an afternoon nap can settle them before the witching hour."
- Sonia McConnachie, mother
"Replicate the sleeping arrangements your baby has at home - if baby sleeps in his own room make sure he does when you go on holiday because if you all sleep together and they are not used to the sounds, it can make for a terrible night's sleep for everyone."
- Maria Tyrrell, mother
Many Asian destinations, including Bali, Phuket, Koh Samui and Penang are just not suitable for pushchairs. "The footpaths are all uneven and are too narrow for the likes of a Mountain Buggy. Your best bet in Asia would be to take a baby backpack."
- Julie Gilchrist, House of Travel
For the Pacific Islands: "If your toddler is still in a cot, request your resort's largest cot/portacot - sometimes they vary in size. Ensuring your little one sleeps well is paramount for everybody's enjoyment! Some resorts in Fiji hire out Mountain Buggies."
- Lynda Millward, House of Travel
Hire equipment - car seats, prams, portacots, toys - from specialist hire companies in most sizeable cities in NZ and Australia. "We always take a suitcase of foods, cans, crackers and cheese, chippies and all sorts of snack food for the kids. The markets are great to get fresh fruit and veges."
- Sarah Harrop, Itchy Feet