It's Australian Open day, and the two blondes are at it, shot for shot. They curse, they splutter, they fire volleys - except there isn't a tennis ball in sight, and this battle is all verbal.
We're on a tram in Flinders St, watching as two immaculately dressed, stunningly beautiful
businesswomen leap from their cars, and screech obscenities at one another, oblivious to the gathering crowds.
It is the stuff of a lads' mag fantasy and proves that even the unsavoury incidents - including the road rage - are sexy in Melbourne.
THE BALLOON
Yes, it's a seductive city, this. You sense it on the No 16 tram as it trundles through St Kilda, or on the cool couches of the Gin Palace at 2am, sipping a dry martini. And even at 5am, when Kiff Saunders is loading you into his 4WD and telling you he's never had a real problem in more than 22 years of hot-air ballooning. The most serious injuries have been the four broken legs suffered by customers as they've hopped in or out of the truck.
He's an engaging bloke, Kiff - a hippie out of time and location. He's just bought a new balloon, resplendent with a "Love" slogan and peace signs.
We're flying with another pilot today - in the more appropriately branded Chandon champagne balloon - and we watch as Kiff and his customers float above us, the peace shattered by the sound of the hot-air blasters.
We drift up, we drift down, we float in a gentle easterly across the high-rises and parks of the Victorian capital. It is the strangest, most exhilarating sensation. We know not how, or where, we'll end up. Some of us crouch in the basket, our palms soaked, clinging to the wicker. Others dare not look down. We are at the mercy of $100,000-plus worth of canvas, a lot of hot air, and the breeze.
Halfway through the one-hour flight, the pilots decide we'll touch down in Albert Park. As we hover over an apartment block the park looms into view. There are a lot of trees, posts, ditches, fences and other balloon-unfriendly hazards. There's a circle of tai chi addicts, whose anti-stress efforts have been wasted - they get the fright of their lives as our balloon passes just metres over their heads. "Smile" yells the photographer to the startled mass below, their legs in the air. "That's a good one," says the photographer. "I might send that to the Age."
"Assume the landing position," commands our pilot. We crouch in the basket and then thud! Followed by thud! thud! thud! We've toppled over and we're dragged 30m until the basket rests on its side, just a few metres from a ditch. The balloon is tangled in a pesky tree. It rips when we haul it off.
Upside down, clinging for life to the basket, we're happy to have landed.
I kiss the ground. Travel companion Denise laughs nervously, not quite believing we've made it. Travel companion Oskar takes photos.
And as we head out of the park, we notice Kiff has had his own troubles on touchdown. His "Love" balloon has completely flattened a small tree. Oh, the sweet irony.
THE BIKE
Back on terra firma, there are some equally enjoyable although slightly more energetic ways of seeing this city close up. On the banks of the Yarra River, operating out of an old shipping container, is one-man-business Murray Johnson, former journalist and all-round top bloke. He once worked for Rupert Murdoch in the skyscraper which hovers over his business, Real Melbourne Bicycle Tours.
I don't think he liked Rupert or the News Ltd ethos, because he got out, and he got smart. His business is a prime example of the entrepreneurial spirit which sweeps this city.
His bike tour is a gem, an intimate ride through the heart of Melbourne, dodging shoppers, avoiding tram tracks, munching on the most delightful pastries and sipping the most thirst-quenching fruit juices.
Murray takes us the wrong way down a one-way street, treats us to the best chocolates, shows us the hidden nightclubs.
All the while, we were being regaled with one of the best city commentaries you'll hear. In one breath, he'll explain Melbourne's history, and then, in the next, where you'll find the best pastries (Brunetti's). He can speak for five minutes on the history of a neon sign, and tell you all about that famous New Zealand horse in the Melbourne Museum, Phar Lap. (You get the sense that part of the commentary is adapted for the audience. Savvy bloke that Murray.)
You don't have to be super-fit to do this - or even fit at all. It is the perfect way to start any trip to Melbourne, the chance to get inside the nooks and crannies of a city that has so much to offer visitors.
The guided city tour costs 50 bucks, and lasts three hours.
While you can hire a bike and go your own way, you won't find a better tour guide than Murray Johnson.
THE BARS
There are too many to go into detail here. Whatever you do, do not miss the Gin Palace. It is romantic, it is divine. They make the meanest martinis in town. It often makes the lists of the world's best bars.
Its food menu, like the couches, is eclectic, but that is not what it is famous for. It is the drinks, it is the drinks, it is the drinks.
Oskar puffs on a cigarette, happy to have escaped the New Zealand smoking laws. I passive smoke, and get lost in a haze of martini-fuelled memories.
THE BOOKS
I told the travel editor I'd avoid the shops, but for the blokes there was one exception - the Melbourne Sports Book Shop.
From archery to wrestling, and billiards to 10-pin bowling, it has it all. I content myself with Sports Illustrated's Best Baseball Writing, and a horse-racing book for a friend.
* NEED TO KNOW
Getting there: Qantas has regular services to Melbourne from Auckland and Wellington. Economy class airfares are available from $418 (internet only), excluding surcharges, fees and taxes. For more on airfares and package holidays to Melbourne, phone Qantas on 0800 767 400 or go to www.qantas.co.nz or contact your bonded travel agent.
Getting around: Real Melbourne bike tours at Hire a Bike: South Bank of the Yarra River, opposite Federation Square. Ph 0417 339 203. Contact: Murray Johnson, go to www.byohouse.com.au/biketours
Things to do: Global Ballooning: ph (03) 9428 5703. Contact: Kiff Saunders, go to www.globalballooning.com.au
Further information: Good general information on Melbourne: www.visitmelbourne.com/nz
Melbourne 2006 Commonwealth Games (March 15-26): www.melbourne2006.com.au
A tram on the way to Melbourne's popular St Kilda beach.
It's Australian Open day, and the two blondes are at it, shot for shot. They curse, they splutter, they fire volleys - except there isn't a tennis ball in sight, and this battle is all verbal.
We're on a tram in Flinders St, watching as two immaculately dressed, stunningly beautiful
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