Patea sits on the western bank of the Patea River, 81km northwest of Whanganui, and is the third-largest town in South Taranaki. Photo / Supplied
Elisabeth Easther gets down to the disco beat of Poi E with the Patea Maori Club
Population: 1160.
Town slogan: Home of Poi E.
Town icon: The Aotea canoe remembrance arch, it's elegant and impressive.
Worth a look: Check out the whale rib sculpture next to the Patea Maori Club — perfect photo opportunity.
Famous locals: Dalvanius Prime and the Patea Maori Club, plus X Factor semifinalist Taiaroa Neho is from here.
Get this: Golfing legend Michael Campbell grew up down the road from Patea and learned to play golf at the Patea Golf Club.
Best website: southtaranaki.com/Live/Our-District/Patea
Big business: Silver Fern and Fonterra keep a lot of locals busy — farm-related work is the town's economic backbone.
Sources of pride: The Patea Maori Club and the super strong community spirit — everyone lends a hand in Patea.
Town fiestas: Paepae in the Park is a music festival held every Waitangi Day and next year it's going to be bigger than ever with everything from country to hip-hop to reggae — and the Patea Maori Club of course.
Here for a short time: Without a doubt, visit the amazing Aotea Utanganui Museum.
Best reason to stop: Because if you don't, you'll end up in the Tasman Sea.
Best place to take the kids: The free swimming pool plus the new playground and skate park.
Best park: The Memorial Reserve Park has huge fields and lovely big trees and it's where you'll find the canoe and the memorial to local heroes who fought in the war.
Best facilities: Check out the brightly coloured toilets, they're anything but bog-standard since the locals decorated them.
Best walk: The Patea River Historic Walk. From Patea Beach follow the river up to York St and take note of the seven illustrated signs that point out significant historical events — but be warned it can be a bit slippery in winter.
Best view: River View Lookout, you'll find it if you head towards Mana Bay. It's the best spot for gazing out at the rugged ocean.
Best swim: The free community pool is open from December to March or find a spot at the beach. At Mana Bay the kids love jumping off the brick retaining wall and into the ocean with their boogie boards.
Best museum: Aotea Utanganui, the Museum of South Taranaki, is terrific and filled with everything from farming exhibits, greenstone, photos and local taonga. The main part of the building was built in 1869 and used to be the general store; today it's one of the region's oldest buildings.
Old times: For a small town, Patea is spoiled for historic buildings — do your own self-guided tour by going online to the Patea Heritage Inventory.
Vehicular access: Stop by the Star Garage, it's like a mini Motat: it's a huge warehouse filled with old cars out of movies including the vehicle from 60s film Georgy Girl. Proprietor Jim Baird sits outside his garage with his old dog, Ted, and when people pass by, he'll show them around if they fancy a tour.
Nice arts: Lots of artists are dotted around the place and Red Rock Cafe regularly displays and sells their wares. In June, there was an art trail and right now a group of Patea artists are having a show at the Lysaght Watt Gallery in South Taranaki.
Meat market: Grant Hurley, the local butcher, makes the best manuka honey-cured smoked bacon you'll ever taste, plus he's with the fire brigade and is an all-round good guy.
But wait, there's more: Patea also has a medical centre, veterinary clinic, coastguard service, squash and golf club, schools, kindergartens and two mechanics' workshops who are always busy but will come out and rescue you if you break down.
Happy shoppers: Patea also has a couple of dairies and a very popular Four Square (with bakery and deli) and a Chinese takeaway too.
Cream of the coffee: Red Rock Cafe, aside from great coffee their food is a symphony of home-made yummyness.
Baked goods: The Four Square makes mouth-watering fresh doughnuts, and the chocolate mud cake has so much whipped cream it's almost over the top, but that's part of its charm. Oh and you have to try all of their pies, from the smoked fish to the lamb and roast vege. And be sure to give the mussel pie a whirl too.
Best food: Only 15 minutes from Patea you'll find the tiny town of Waverley where the cafe serves blue vein cheese and mushroom in a filo package. Their spirulina smoothies are worth making the trip for too and if you're lucky you'll get the big plush sofa by the fireplace. Or five minutes the other way, the hotel at Kakaramea serves up the best roast dinners for lunch at only $10.
Nightlife: Patea is a quiet wee town and almost everything shuts after dark.
Wet your whistle: There's no pub but there is a liquor store if you're feeling that kind of thirsty.
Best-kept secret: Whitebaiting is big here but you'll have to find your own spot.
Wildlife: Late at night you'll hear the possums talking to the moon.
Safety warnings: Never underestimate the power of the wild west coast ocean.
Locals say: Please don't tell too many people about how wonderful our town is, else everyone will want to come and live here. Especially when they find out you can buy a house for less than $50,000 — so keep it on the down-low please.
Writer says: Oops, sorry, too late.
Thanks to Mareta for opening the book on Patea.
Telegraph: “A bingo card of disappointments.”