Look, thanks, but if you want me to relax, you gotta let me have my mobile.
Not because I need to snap selfies (for the record, I've never taken a selfie on any holiday) but because, sometimes the only way I can relax is to bury myself in my phone.
Why?
Because "living in the moment" is overrated and humans aren't meant to.
In fact, based on research by award-winning psychologist Martin Seligman and journalist John Tierney, contemplation is what sets us apart from animals. It's our ability to ponder, to plan, to reach into the past and project into the future that makes us human — and all of it requires being out of the moment.
If I'm feeling anxious or sad, staring at a pool and focusing on my breathing does nothing for me. If I need to get out of my head, there is no better place than my phone, where I can read, scroll, maybe take a few pics while simultaneously enjoying a delightful holiday. Yes! I can do both.
I'm not saying that we don't all want a bit of serenity and that a dozen fake-tanned, self-identifying Instagram influencers parachuting on your pool space, contorting themselves for the perfect picture replete with duck faces isn't going to have an effect on a person.
But that type of behaviour can also manifest when people have had a few glasses of rosé. And we haven't banned alcohol.
And what about those people who need a break from the people they are on holiday with?
Do the River Pool staff want me to stare into the middle distance while I ruminate over the argument I just had? And don't tell me you don't argue on holidays. That's exactly where all the arguing is done.
I can remember once travelling to Washington DC with my two grown siblings, and, guess what? There were some stressful moments.
Sharing a tiny hotel room, I would have relished the opportunity to stare downward at my phone and allow the tension to dissolve, instead of screaming, "YOUR LIFE CHOICES BETRAY YOU AND I FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR CHILDREN!"
A couple of scrolls of Instagram, a few deep breaths and I honestly don't think it would have gotten that far.
Which reminds me — I'm never going back to Vienna.
The capital of Austria has launched an anti-Instagram campaign, encouraging tourists to "unhashtag" Vienna. The Tourist Board has even set up a website, where they urge visitors to "experience more, photograph less".
Ach nein, Viennese Tourist Board!
You got this all wrong. If tourists are paying to visit your beautiful city and all they want to do is take 17 close-ups of their Wiener schnitzel, that is their prerogative and you shouldn't attempt to change that or it's not a real holiday — it's an excursion.
This suggestion in particular, makes me feel like I'm back in school: "While you hunt around for the perfect pictures to present to your community, you often overlook the really important, beautiful … moments of your holiday."
Important huh?
Vienna — you're a city, not my Year 8 Modern History teacher. Let me live!
Why don't we — and by "we" I mean those patronising holiday snobs — take a leaf out of the longest running cartoon in history: The Simpsons.
The creators have designed the show to be enjoyed on many different levels. Some call it a postmodern masterpiece, a hyper-reality, full of meta-narratives, while some just like saying "D'oh!"
But whoever you are, and however you enjoy your own leisure time, it's really nobody's business but your own.
