Jim Eagles gives addictive betel nuts a try - purely for research, of course
My head feels as though it's glowing, my tongue has gone bright red, my cheeks are bulging with a vast quantity of saliva and my nervous system has just taken the sort of jolt that usually comes from a couple of short blacks in quick succession.
Welcome to the world of the betel nut, the world's most popular recreational drug.
It's estimated that 400 million people regularly chew betel nuts, putting it well ahead of alcohol, tobacco, coffee and marijuana as the drug of choice for the masses.
Betel is certainly the way the people of Papua New Guinea like to give themselves a buzz. Everywhere you go in PNG, whether in busy cities or lonely villages, roadside markets or modern shopping centres, you're sure to find someone sitting beside a pile of the little green nuts, thought to have originated in Malaysia but now found all through Asia and out into the Pacific.
Visit a spirit house in the upper reaches of the Sepik River and you're bound to find a pile of betel nut casings discarded by the men lounging around inside.
Stop at a roadside market in the PNG highlands and behind the women with their piles of vegetables for sale you'll see small knots of men playing cards and chewing nuts.
Smile at passers-by in town and almost all will respond with bright red grins, gums, tongues and teeth stained by the juice.
Look down at the surface you are walking on and chances are it's stained red, not with blood from some clan feud, but with the betel juice users spray out in extraordinary quantities.
Betel users develop a remarkable capacity to hold vast quantities of juice in their cheeks - even managing to talk at the same time - while the narcotic is absorbed. When they do eventually spit out the result is a vast stream of red juice.
Small wonder that planes, boats, hotels and public buildings almost always carry signs proclaiming "no betel" or "no bouai".
So what is the appeal of the betel nut? Tonight, in the comfort of the Leda Lounge on the expedition ship Orion, I was about to find out.
The expedition team had organised a plate full of meat from the nuts, a saucer of lime - usually made by burning shells - and florescences from a member of the pepper family.
Chew betel on its own and you produce a mild narcotic. Add the lime and the juice changes colour to that distinctive red, signalling a chemical reaction and a stronger narcotic. The pepper - referred to by PNG users as "mustard" - is apparently added for taste.
So, along with several other passengers, I put some nut meat in my mouth, dip the pepper into a dish of lime and pop that in too, and start chewing.
Some people found the taste so instantly repulsive that they rushed to spit out. Personally I couldn't taste much at all, mainly a vegetable flavour a bit like that of a raw green pepper, so I kept on chewing.
Gradually I began to build up huge quantities of saliva and to feel my head start to glow.
"Urs moi marf reed?" I managed to ask my wife, narrowly avoiding dribbling saliva everywhere.
"Yes," she confirmed, "your mouth is bright red."
I kept chewing until eventually the volume of saliva reached overflow point. Racing to the bathroom I spat out an enormous amount of bright red liquid. Checking in the mirror I discovered that my tongue and gums were also bright red and my face was definitely rather pink.
Very interesting, I thought, but has it had any other effect? Yes, upon reflection, it had. I felt as though I had quaffed two short blacks in quick succession. My hands were shaking slightly, I felt very alert, almost tensed up, and ready for action. It's not unpleasant, but not nirvana either.
Apparently betel is highly addictive but I can't say I feel compelled to try it again. Then again, next time I'm in betel territory and can't find a good barista, I might have a chew instead.
Jim Eagles chewed betel nut in Papua New Guinea with help from Air New Zealand, Air Niugini and Orion Cruises.
CHECKLIST
Getting there: Air New Zealand offers non-stop flights from Auckland to Cairns (four times a week) and also has several non-stop flights a day from Auckland, Wellington and Christchurch to Brisbane. Air Niugini has daily flights from Brisbane and Cairns to Port Moresby.
