Andrew Alderson: Let me in, I'm stoned

"Please come this way. An armoured panel van is waiting outside." Illustration / NZ Herald

Andrew Alderson wonders if he should confess to his immoral activities.

There are many reasons to love the United States of America.

Their Department of Homeland Security's I-94W Nonimmigrant Visa Waiver Arrival/Departure Form is not one of them.

Worthy of a place in any Museum of Travel Absurdities, this is the most farcical entry document I have encountered in two decades of overseas travel*.

The evidence is ample. Imagine ticking "yes" to any of the form's queries, even if they applied.

A: Do you have a communicable disease; physical or mental disorder; or are you a drug abuser or addict?

Your admission: "Yes. I revel in the confines of a padded cell after I've shot up."

Likely Customs response: "Excuse me sir, would you mind donning this straitjacket?"

B: Have you ever been arrested or convicted for an offence or crime involving moral turpitude or a violation related to a controlled substance; or been arrested or convicted for two or more offences for which the aggregate sentence to confinement was five years or more; or been a controlled substance trafficker; or are you seeking entry to engage in criminal or immoral activities?

Your admission: "Yes. I enjoy a spot of moral turpitude and intend to join a crime syndicate at the earliest convenience."

Likely Customs response: "We're just popping your passport in the shredder here, and will escort you to the departures hall in a jiffy."

C: Have you ever been or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage; or in terrorist activities; or genocide; or between 1933 and 1945 were you involved, in any way, in persecutions associated with Nazi Germany or its allies?

Your admission: "Yes. I am Lord Haw-Haw."

Likely Customs response: "Please put on these orange overalls. We've booked you a special connecting flight to Guantanamo Bay."

D: Are you seeking to work in the US; or have you ever been excluded and deported; or been previously removed from the United States or procured or attempted to procure a visa or entry into the US by fraud or misrepresentation?

Your admission: "Yes. I'm meeting Diego, my amigo from Tijuana, outside the airport."

Likely Customs response: "Please come this way. An armoured panel van is waiting outside."

Presumably these questions are posed for some cunning legal reason - perhaps it's easier to deport a liar - rather than simply passenger entertainment.

Further advice on the form under the capped term "IMPORTANT" reads: "If you have answered "YES" to any of the above, please contact the American Embassy BEFORE you travel to the US since you may be refused admission into the United States."

That's a touch difficult if the wheels are about to hit the tarmac at LAX. This entry document's preposterous naivete makes it a waste of US taxpayer money.

* The author renounces any chance of victory in green card lotteries and accepts Customs officers will don plastic gloves with zeal next time he enters the US.