• Ensure you bring a good luck mascot on to the plane. This must be something you have used successfully in the past; in other words, something you carried with you on an occasion you didn't die. Keep it in your hand luggage. It doesn't count if it's in your suitcase.
• Do not book a seat in row 13. Sitting in row 13 is notoriously dangerous. Someone will sit in row 13, but that's not dangerous for you. Only them.
Before takeoff:
• Read the entire safety brochure and pay close attention to the safety demonstration. If you are well prepared for an in-flight emergency or crash-landing, it won't happen. It's the law. Everyone knows that.
• Look around the plane for babies. The presence of babies on a flight is an excellent sign. No mother would take a little baby on a plane if it was going to crash! (On the other hand, if there are no babies on the flight, you should probably panic. Clearly the mothers know something you don't know.)
• Hold hands with your companions during take-off. This is an important precaution and keeps the plane airborne until it reaches cruising altitude. If you are travelling alone, and your immediate neighbour is unwilling to co-operate, you will need to hold your own hand.
During the flight:
• Maintain eye contact with the flight attendants. If they look cheerful and confident, the plane is operating efficiently and there is no cause for alarm. If, on the other hand, they look stressed and anxious, or - god forbid - begin weeping and hugging each other, it's time to panic.
• Keep an eye on the wings. If you don't check on them regularly throughout the flight, they could fall off the plane.
• Take particular note of other aircraft flying nearby. The pilots may not have noticed them, and it will be your responsibility to alert the flight attendants if a collision is imminent.
During turbulence:
• Grip the arm rests tightly, the tighter the better. No-one actually knows what will happen if you remove your hands from the arm rests, but it is best for all concerned not to take that risk.
• Pray. Prayers are, of course, the most important factor in keeping a flight airborne, way more important than fuel levels, pilot skill and technical checks combined. A simple 'Please God/Jesus/Allah, don't crash' is quick and effective and will keep you safe when the going gets bumpy.
After landing:
• Applaud! This doesn't actually help, because you're already safely on the ground, but it stores up good karma points for the next flight.
And remember:
• If at all possible, fly business class. Turbulence does not affect business class passengers with their luxurious flat beds and free champagne and 24-hour meal service. It only affects the plebs in the back.
