Jamie Mackay's From The Lip - An ode to Trump

I first met East Coast farmer and raconteur, Graeme Williams, about a dozen or so years ago.

He was a mate of Grant 'Disaster' McMaster, the bloke who did the dog trail report on my broadcasting alma mater, Hokonui Radio. Legend has it they both attended Flock House near Bulls back in the day, where they collectively drove the legendary principal JJ Stewart mad.

With 'Disaster' as the catalyst, I was invited to stay with Graeme when I attended my first Gisborne A&P Show, which rates as one of my fonder farming memories. More than half the population of Poverty Bay wanders through the gates during the show. Arguably, only Canterbury and Upper Clutha could claim to better or equal Gisborne.

Normally when I front up around the country, I demand a game of golf as the carrot to get me on the plane. On this occasion, however, my demands were even more self-centred. I wanted to meet, and have dinner with, my boyhood All Black hero Ian Kirkpatrick. Graeme and the good folk of Gisborne duly obliged. Kirky had me at hello. I even got to meet my '80s sporting crush Sandra Edge!

Graeme's been off the radio radar for the past couple of years but he made a welcome return to my show recently with a very humorous poke at Donald Trump ahead of the most acrimonious election in US political history. I thought I'd share it with you:

WELL IT'S ALMOST INCONCEIVABLE
AS MUCH TO ME AS YOU
THAT FROM 325 MILLION PEOPLE
IT'S A CHOICE BETWEEN THESE TWO
WITH SUCH AN ARRAY OF TALENT
RESIDING WITHIN THEIR REALM
THAT IT'S EITHER TRUMP OR CLINTON
TO STAND UPON THE HELM

BREXIT SURELY SHOWS
WHAT A COMPLACENT PUBLIC CAN DO
THE IMPLICATIONS OF ONE'S ACTIONS
WHEN ONE HASN'T A BLOODY CLUE
THE DAMAGE IS ALREADY DONE
WHEN THE VOTES THEY HAVE BEEN CAST
AND THE CHANCE TO REGAIN WHATS LOST
IN REALITY HAS BEEN PASSED


IT'S NOT A REALITY TV SHOW
THE APPRENTICE OR THE LIKE
I WOULDN'T WANT TRUMP OR PUTIN
TO STEER MY LIFE, OR CAR, OR BIKE
KIM JONG-UN FROM NORTH KOREA
APPEARS A TIME BOMB UNTO ME
AND WHAT REALLY GIVES ME THE SH#TS
IS THE PROSPECT, HE'S THE SANEST OF THE THREE

WE ALL HAVE BEEN INTRIGUED
WATCHING TRUMPY'S ELECTION TRAIL
AND I'M SURE TOTALLY AMAZED
HOW FAR HIS SHIP HAS SAILED!
WITH PUTIN AS HIS PILOT
IT SCARES ME BUT TO THINK
THAT LIKE HIS MIKHAIL LERMONTOV
THE BASTARD NEEDS TO SINK

HILLARY I GATHER, IS NOT SQUEAKY CLEAN
ALTHOUGH I'M NOT WELL VERSED
AND WHILST SHE MAY NOT BE THE BEST
SHE'S SURELY NOT THE WORST
USING ONLY REASONED LOGIC
I'M SURE IT'S AS CLEAR TO ME AS YOU
WITH ONLY HOBSON'S CHOICE
THAT SHE'S THE BETTER OF THE TWO

SO SORRY TRUMPY, NO MUSLIMS YOU WILL HAVE
TO HELP YOU BUILD YOUR WALL
AND NO MONICA LEWINSKY
TO AID ANOTHER CLINTON FALL
HILLARY'S IN THE BOX SEAT
AND I'LL BET A NICKEL TO A BOB
THAT UNLIKE BILL TO MONICA, TRUMPY
YOU'LL HAVE NO CHANCE TO BLOW THE JOB.

And for those of you who, quite justifiably, wonder whether I've been a bit of a cheapskate by publishing someone else's work under my name, can I assure the assure you the pay cheque for this column will go to a good cause. Graeme and I have agreed the beneficiary will be the IHC Calf and Rural Scheme in tribute to the man who has done more than anyone for its cause, Sir Colin Meads. Cockies the length and breadth of this wonderful farming nation could do worse than follow our lead www.ihc.org.nz/calf-and-rural-scheme

Jamie Mackay is the host of The Country which airs on Newstalk ZB and Radio Sport, 12-1pm, weekdays. jamie@thecountry.co.nz