Dr Doug Edmeades: "My Friend" Depression

Depression is an increasing issue for rural communities. The latest data released by the Ministry of Health shows there is a significantly higher rate of suicide in rural areas than in urban areas. Federated Farmers are doing their bit to raise awareness so you, or someone you know can get help if suffering from depression.

Sir John Kirwan has been a leader when it comes to talking about depression with his book 'All Blacks Don't Cry: A Story of Hope'.

In this column, Dr Doug Edmeades tells his story of life with depression.

Winston Churchill called it his black dog. Andrew Solomon called his book on the subject "The Noonday Demon." After repeated bouts, over many years, I have come to call it "my friend". To finally escape the torment of depression I found the courage to confront myself - to slowly, emotional-layer-by-emotional layer to scrape away and excise all that was false in me. Eric Fromm (1946) expressed it thus: mans main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become who he truly is."

I came to see my disposition to depression as a consequence of accrued, knotted-up, unresolved feelings arising from historically painful situations and experiences, some of my own making but most arising from life's circumstances. These, often old, emotional boils had to be lanced and the wounds healed before further inner growth can take place. It was only then that the dark, grey, featureless wall of melancholia - emotional numbness - slowly evaporated away. A fresh newness to life began.

That is not to deny that the distressing symptoms of depression have a biochemical basis. They do. For me it was essential that the biochemical imbalance was first addressed. It was the first step towards mental health. I will, I am told, be taking antidepressants for the rest of my life, just as a person afflicted with Type 1 diabetes must inject insulin to remain alive.

But even this first step in dealing with depression was mentally difficult. I initially rejected the advice of my doctor when he suggested medication. What me - I'm not mad - I'm not going mad! Because of my poor knowledge of the disease I directly linked depression with madness and with that unhealthy inference came that paralyzing emotion - shame. Do nothing and especially do not share your inner thoughts and fears. Depression can be a trap.

It took me time to come to accept my illness for what is was. It comforted and reassured me to learn that the predisposition to depression is hereditary, it often afflicts intelligent creative minds, and that many famous people made significant contributions to society despite their illness. There was hope. And my mother added her wisdom also - you are lucky son that in your generation they have effective medications. She knew something of the source of my genes and the suffering of some of my forebears.

The specialist told me that antidepressants take time to 'kick' in and the experience is still vivid when that happened. To me it felt like the sun was now shining in my brain. Not the temporary euphoria of mind-altering drug, but the wonderful realization that I could be normal. My brain it appeared to me was now working normally. It was working the way that I thought a normal brain should - like it worked for most normal people. At last I felt I could be myself. No longer was my life undermined and limited by that deep, hidden, soul-destroying sense of shame - that dreadful possibility that one day someone will expose me for the weak frail fraud that I really was inside.

That was the beginning. I was to learn that those little white pills did not immunize me from further bouts of depression. They can and did return, sometimes with vengeance. I 'bottomed' out the year after I left my dream job at Ruakura - a better description is "walked the plank with a blunderbus up my arse" - wondering whether I was going mad or was it the new science system?

Slowly, incrementally, my emotional and mental resilience improved, a consequence of medication, wise advice, self-awareness and a determination to be true to myself. The fear of further painful depressive episodes became my motivation to 'give birth to myself.' Depression became my guide, my friend.

It is because I have come to see depression as a beneficial experience I no longer feel the shame which traps so many sufferers. I now feel free to talk about this aspect of my experience. I do so knowing that for me sharing my deepest concerns and fears gives me my strongest sense of being human - not a perfect, human, just perfectly human.

Where to get help

The Mental Health Foundation's free resource and information service (09 623 4812) will refer callers to some of the helplines below:

Lifeline - 0800 543 354

Depression Helpline (available 24/7) - 0800 111 757

Healthline - 0800 611 116

Samaritans - 0800 726 666 (for callers from the Lower North Island, Christchurch and West Coast) or 0800 211 211/(04) 473 9739 (for callers from all other regions)

Suicide Crisis Helpline (aimed at those in distress, or those who are concerned about the wellbeing of someone else) - 0508 828 865

Youthline - 0800 376 633, free text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz