Shelley Howells: Skip the pills and beat fear of flying via the web

COMMENT

Despite anxiety and alarm, I survived flying to Nelson. Tragically for the other passengers, forced to endure my pale face, clenched jaw, white knuckles and constant moaning, the Clonazepam (" a benzodiazepine used to treat anxiety, panic and seizure disorders") didn't even touch the sides.

No discernible effect at all during the flight. Mind you, I didn't suffer the usual anxiety, panic and seizure disorders during the family get-together later in the day, so there may have been some beneficial delayed effect.

The return flight, though much bumpier, was a lot more fun, possibly thanks to a hipflask of whisky (an alcoholic beverage that, in low doses, has a relaxing effect, reduces tension, lowers inhibitions, impairs concentration, slows reflexes, impairs reaction time, reduces co-ordination, according to Neuroscience for Kids).

But it is becoming clear that pill-popping and swigging booze are rather immature approaches and possibly not good modelling behaviour for the 8-year-old. So I hit the net in search of help.

There are courses, such as one in Christchurch, but then I'd have to fly there. Nah. Or there's Flying Without Fear, which looked promising until the words "programme consists of four consecutive sessions, each four and a half hours long". Not the quick fix I'm after. Hell, in that time, and for the $450 it costs, I could fly to a tropical isle and laze away the anxiety.

There are books, such as the appealing-sounding the Easy Way to Enjoy Flying. But the local library doesn't have it, and I'd rather spend the $23 at the duty free.

There's a US therapist ("As seen on Oprah!") who claims to be able to "Delete Fear of Flying" over the phone, which would be handy except for the price, and the fact that we can't use the mobile on board. (Which reminds me, we were told to turn off phones in the terminal rather than on board. According to our cabin crew, this is because there have been a few too many near-misses between propellers and people distractedly yapping on the phone while wandering across the tarmac! Natural selection at work, I say.)

There is a free online flying fear treatment course created by US commercial pilot Captain Stacey L. Chance (not a great name for a pilot, you'll admit).

I've just started it and it's already helping, mainly because it's clear that, compared with many sufferers of aviophobia/aerophobia, my problem is tiny. Or, in air passenger terminology, my fear is about the size of one of those daft Air New Zealand milk packages, while theirs is about the size of the queue at check-in. Yes, that overwhelming.

There are those who get panic attacks just reading about flying, so Captain Chance gives regular reminders to stop and take a breather before continuing his programme. Sadly, because of an incurable case of PCophobia, I can't enjoy some of the multi-media aspects of the course, as they are not Mac friendly.

But, for a bit of R&R, I can enjoy a few flight humour sites. There's top 10 Safety Tips for Airline Passengers. Though not intentionally funny, the list had me chuckling at about tip number eight: "Let the Flight Attendant Pour Your Hot Drinks", and laughing out loud by number 10, which ended with the suggestion that, "In the unlikely event that you are involved in an emergency situation exit the aircraft as quickly as possible."

The site also links to "celebrity crash cases" which provides detailed information on aircraft crashes involving celebrities.

Cabin Decompression has loads of flight jokes, including ever-popular crash jokes, plus a funny section on allegedly true crew announcements, such as "To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. It works like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you should not be out in public unsupervised."

Air sickness bags is a virtual museum of puke bags, and does include New Zealand samples, including now collectable Ansett New Zealand bags.

But it's the Flight Attendant Bitch Page, "We're here to save you ass, not kiss it" that may just cure me. Their stories of awful, stupid, rude passengers and other work-related horrors make you realise that the cabin crew have a lot more to be afraid of than the passengers.

* Email Shelley Howells