Shelley Howells: It's time to strap on the flatulence filter

COMMENT

The other day, junk mail from an electronics supplier included three fart-related products: the Remote Controlled Secret Fart Box, a hand-held Electronic Farting Keychain and Farting Salt and Pepper Shakers (heaps of fun around the BBQ).

Junior and I sat about chortling and debating which item was the pick of the bunch. Father/husband rolled his eyes, forever mystified by why we find farts funny. He just doesn't get it. We wondered why, and concluded a) we're pathetic, and b) it's a tragic symptom of him hailing from foreign parts - a strange and distant land where letting rip is about as funny as a sigh.

We realised that fart humour is one of the few things, at this difficult time in New Zealand history, that bring us together as a nation.

We sought out nation-building websites and - lo! - we were overwhelmed by plenty. It's such a comfort to know that technology is being put to good use.

First, the science: Facts on Farts methodically answers all those awkward questions, like "is it weird to enjoy farting?" and "if you fart in the bathtub, is the water polluted?" as well as questions you didn't realise you needed answers to, such as "Is it possible to fart in a jar and save it for later use?" and "What would happen if someone farted on Venus?"

More suitable for kids than some of the contents of Facts on Farts, is the Body Noises fact sheet from kids science show Suzy's World, and the Belches and Farts department of the yuk-yet-educational Yuckiest Site on the Internet has interactive basics for kids, complete with sound effects.

Those of a competitive nature can turn to the online archive on Burps'n' Farts from All Over the World where the young and the windy submit their latest and greatest sounds for your listening pleasure.

The artistic can play a tune by swooping their mouse over several animated farting dogs - this one had the 8-year-old crying with laughter.

From the Don't Try This at Home department, comes online video footage of blokes setting light to their gas emissions. Please note: Facts on Farts warns that "about a quarter of people who ignited their farts got burned doing it", and that "ignition of flatus is a hazardous process".

Of course, not everyone is at one with their inner gas. For them, the perfect gift must be the Fart Filter, that uses "activated carbon technology" to filter vile odours even before they leave your pants.

Or there's the Flatulence Filter, an odour-absorbing carbon/foam filter system cunningly disguised as an ordinary seat cushion. Not a bad idea, given that the average person has 13.6 "episodes" a day.

One has made a career of it - the amazing Mr Methane and his musical bottom - the world's only performing flatulist (putting the "art" into "fart").

The average whale has the occasional, spectacular episode too. The proof is in the startling photo on Discovery of an Antarctic minke whale breaking wind.

Clearly, people are a touch sensitive about the subject in the US state of Wisconsin, where fierce community debate has been raging over the suitability of the book Walter the Farting Dog for a school library. Despite objectors' concerns that "the words 'fart' and 'farting' are used 24 times in the book," it remains on bookshelves, according to a local news report.

I wonder what they'd make of the UK classic Viz comic character Johnny Fartpants and his constant flow of "parps!"

But wind-breaking stories are as old as history, as you can see in these collected folk tales about flatulence from the University of Pittsburgh site, as well as German and Korean stories.

It almost seems a shame that scientists have finally cracked the formula for wind-free beans.

However, Fart Fatigue is imminent. And, frankly, if you still feel the need for more after going through all these sites, you need help.

But, once again, the web comes up trumps in the welcome-one-and-all department, and proves that there's room online for everybody. And every bodily function.

* Email Shelley Howells