Shelley Howells: I have seen the future of smoking, and it is online

COMMENT

As a part-time smoker (or is that part-time quitter ... either way, there are commitment issues), my quality of life (and lungs) has taken a serious dive over recent years.

Where once I was free to ruin others' lives with my stinking fumes, now I'm barely allowed to ruin my own. Nowhere is this more obvious than in your common office.

For the first time in years, I've come out from behind the iMac at home and had a few weeks' temp work behind various office PCs. I discovered that there is one thing worse than shifting from Mac to PC: having a smoke break at the office.

Yes, smoking is a disgusting, potentially fatal addiction that impinges on the lives of others. But some "smoking areas" are even more disgusting, potentially fatal spaces that impinge on the lives of smokers.

Innocent puffers are exposed to the elements, or shoved into some vile unventilated box, often in a space that involves inhaling not only nicotine and associated toxins, but also great lungsful of vehicle exhaust (not to mention the foul stench of passing non-smokers' righteous indignation).

Apart from the great company - and everyone knows that the most fun to be had at parties is outside, in the howling southerly, with the smokers - it's such an unpleasant experience that the stress of it all brings on the craving for another cigarette. And it makes many nicotine addicts angry, and more determined than ever to hang on to their nasty, but oh so engaging - and, let's not forget, still legal - habit.

Increasingly put-upon smokers are venting online.

Smoking Section is for "smokers with attitude" and a place where smokers can bond and commiserate. Handy features include an airport smoking area ratings service (US only, but site visitors are invited to rate their local), and a smoker's guide to cool ways to smoke, including French Inhaling and smoke rings.

The Gallery of Famous Smokers, "Against health fascism. No food, alcohol and tobacco control! Enjoy freedom of choice!" offers images of famous puffers at work, grouped into categories such as scientists, royalty etc, and includes everyone from Einstein to Nicole Kidman to Popeye.

The Smokers World web ring brings together a whole lot of pro-smoke sites, including those trying to "take a stand", those trying to flog cheap cigarettes and the little-known hiking-smokers movement (they smoke, they hike, they create web sites). Stop the Health Taliban is by Canadian militant smokers/militant eaters (who rage against the food-police) and will give you an idea of just how angry some smokers are (the more capital letters and exclamation marks per page, the angrier a site creator is).

Tired of those health-warning messages on cigarette packets? NZ Smokes has answer-stickers with witty alternative health warnings ("smoking attracts busybodies") to paste over the health department messages. And, just in case the packets are banned, the self-explanatory Collecting Cigarette Packets from All Over the World works as a living archive of package art.

I have seen the future of smoking, and it is online. Smoking fetish sites (which you can find for yourself, but be warned that some of them are X-rated) offer a glimpse of that future, boasting services like "phone chat and phone sex with smoking women!" and featuring photos, video and stories (from PG to XXX) of chain-smoking sirens.

Before too long, cigarette smoking will be so far underground that addicts will have resort to virtual smoking. In fact, they already can. One Florida bar owner profitably bypassed the state's smoke-ban by creating the Nicotini, a nicotine-laced martini.

Lighter, cheaper and safer still, is the Virtual Smoke Break a web-only smoke, which offers a choice of cigarette and the duration of your smoke break. Click, and you can almost smell the smoke as the virtual ciggy burns down. Enjoy while you can, it's only a matter of time before such gag sites are stubbed out.

* Email Shelley Howells