Peter Sinclair: Speaking in tongues

By PETER SINCLAIR

Those of us forced to study Latin as kids were the final kicking and screaming victims of a pedagogical tradition going back over 2000 years to when the Roman legions first stamped their language on the tongues of men.

The difficulties of Latin grammar, though, are nothing compared to those of English. Yet this language of ours was foisted on most of the globe as the lesser breeds were clapped into mission-schools to acquaint themselves with God's native tongue.

Any race not at least vaguely related to ours are condemned to grotesque difficulties getting their tongue round its illogical syllables.

As for spelling it — well, most of us can't even do that ourselves.

On top of that we have the cheek to laugh at them — studying a menu in Ankara once I recall almost falling off my seat at delicacies like Fried Squib, Roast Peasant, Tortledove in Seus Tom (that's Turkish tomato sauce, gourmets) and Saucy Ladies Thighs Meat Hash (truly).

I don't suppose it worried the Turks too much. But for races such as the Japanese, whose commerce is intertwined with English-speaking economies, a working knowledge of the language is vital.

Increasingly, Japanese companies are coming up with pitches in English to boost sales.

Asahi Breweries, for example, in an attempt to revive the sagging fortunes of its Kaua'i Coffee Co subsidiary, recently signed up a pitchman who doesn't speak a word of Japanese.

Tiger Woods, in the new persona of "Wonda Boy," will promote Hawaiian Ice, a new flavour of Kauai's popular Wonda brand of ready-to-drink canned coffee.

We can only hope for Asahi's sake the image of the new brew turns out to be a little more compelling than those of one or two other products you'll find at the website home of "Engrish".

With the soft-drink giant's latest Asian slogan, "I Feel Coke," who says you shouldn't bottle up your emotions, and Wonda will find itself competing against pick-me-ups like Postonic Water ("Softens Your Soul Gently"), "Pocari Sweat" Refreshment Water from the Japanese Snacks Company, which hypes its "Glico Pocky Mousse" as the hottest item in Japan right now, plus other idiosyncratically named products.

The internet has taught us that a global village needs a common tongue, but which one? I made the mistake of slighting Esperanto a few years back.

At once my inbox flooded with email from ageing dreamers arguing hotly on behalf of "La Internacia Lingvo", that no-man's land of language where elements of French, English, Spanish and German are forcibly conscripted into a ragtag army of unrelated words.

And I see where American linguists are suggesting the descendants of Shakespeare, Racine and Goethe adopt a tongue which might be intelligible on the streets of Port Moresby today. And why not? Pidgin's hybrid vigour remains undiminished — listened to rap lately?

email petersinclair@email.com

Links

KVHS English

Asahi Breweries

Engrish

Japanese Snacks Company

La Internacia Lingvo

Pidgen