Peter Sinclair: Auction site seeks terra firma

By PETER SINCLAIR

There was a time — about a month ago, actually — when old media were scrabbling frantically for some kind of traction in cyberspace. Any initiative, no matter how dumb, would do as long as it had a dot somewhere in the middle of it.

How the wheel turns. In the smouldering pile-up of shattered dreams which is the current e-market, online stars are wildly seeking the reassuring solidity, not to mention the old-fashioned cash-flow, of the offline world.

Forget all that antiquated nonsense about sticking to what you do best. Online auctioneer eBay is in discussion with ABC, among other major networks, to turn itself into ... a television show.

Do not adjust your paper. A television show.

This is a true measure of the delirium triggered by the Nasdaq meltdown, for eBay is still performing fairly well in comparison with the rest of the erstwhile high-fliers.

• It's just reported income of $US15 million for the third quarter on revenues of $113 million, almost double that of a year ago.

• It's now running on gross profit margins of 79 per cent.

• It has 18.9 million registered users, pole-vaulting high above last year's 7.7 million.

• Its shares recently surged 16 per cent in stark contrast to many other dotcoms, most of whose death-plunges continue uninterrupted.

Despite this good news, eBay still wants to be a soap.

It has hired top Hollywood talent management, the William Morris Agency, to represent it, help develop a concept, and troll it round the networks.

Because the auction giant has always displayed that rarest of online qualities, consistent profitability, and boasts a following millions strong, the agency believes it can bargain with the old-media moguls from a position of strength.

"We're not going out to do a situation comedy," says eBay spokesman Kevin Purslane, although one's inclined to wonder why not.

"It would be something to ... incorporate some elements of the trading environment and maybe some lifestyle segments of the eBay trading community ..."

Concepts don't come much hairier than that.

The idea seems to be to introduce viewers to the people who buy and sell daily through eBay almost as a way of life. Someone must believe that the forces which have made eBay a sociological cyber-phenomenon will also make it a ratings smash.

Well, I know several eBay fanatics and as an old television hand I'm telling you that their lifestyles would bear little, if any, inspection, even by clinical insomniacs at 3 in the morning.

Other ideas currently being bandied about include (but are not confined to): letting viewers bid on jewellery, cars and other luxuries; simulcasts involving stars auctioning off stuff belonging to other stars; specials involving — brace yourself — desirable high-ticket items such as surgical procedures ... and human organs ... and babies ...

No, honestly, I'm fine ... if I can perhaps have another sip of that water ... ?

The really depressing thing is, the idea just might work. If selling real estate can be turned into a small-screen winner, then surely just about anything can?

You can't help wondering if it will ever be safe to watch television again. eBay, The Movie! Rating: tedious enough for television ...

Links:

eBay

Nasdaq

William Morris Agency

E-mail: petersinclair@email.com