Chris Barton: Telecom needs re-education - and new faces

Last week Theresa Gattung tried hard to be convincing when she said: "I am here to tell you in no uncertain terms, we get it." There was scepticism too when the Telecom chief executive said the company was "not arguing to turn back time". Neither was it going to be obstructive, mount any rearguard actions, or hide behind legalistic arguments.

Gattung was responding to Government plans to undo Telecom's monopoly stranglehold. But while she was saying one thing, Gattung was doing another. In fact she was doing all of the above - turning back time, being obstructive, mounting rearguard actions and hiding behind legalistic arguments - everything she had just promised she wouldn't.

Why? Because she wanted to stop an embarrassing spoof advertisement circulating on the internet.

Heavy-handed lawyer letters were sent to websites arguing breach of copyright and demanding the ad be removed. Telecom wanted to censor what its customers could see.

Gattung and her chief apologist, John Goulter, clearly don't get a lot of things - not the least of which is parody, freedom of expression and how the internet works.

And they're awfully slow at figuring out that treating customers as though they were morons is not a good ploy.

For those who haven't seen the spoof - a brilliant piece of internet subversion - ask a geek friend who will email it to you in a flash.

The ad is a takeoff of the one where a band of primary school kids dressed as adults walk through a cityscape extolling the fantastic internet and mobile future that's coming their way thanks to Telecom. The catch line is: "Finally we're going to get what we want."

The ad was typical of the Telecom way. Say one thing, do another. Promise a rosy future but deliver a bleak substandard reality. Consumers haven't been getting what they want from Telecom for so long, they think what's on offer is as good as it gets. But as the lampooning so cleverly shows, consumers have tumbled to the deception.

One child says: "I'm not going to take it any more, I've been ripped off". Another acknowledges: "I've been well and truly shafted." And then there's the slightly hyper-manic kid who declares: "Telecom has tricked us and that's really f*****." Out of the mouths of babes.

So what is Telecom to do if it really wants to ensure it "engages better with customers"? Obviously some serious ideological re-education is required. Fortunately the spoof ad - which includes excerpts from Gattung's now-infamous speech to sharemarket analysts - is the perfect object lesson.

Goulter should begin each day listening to that speech - the one where Gattung said telcos routinely used confusion as a marketing tool and that customers knew "that's what the game has been". It's a great lesson on why chief executives should never be allowed to speak off the cuff. It shows too where arrogant corporate culture leads - to believing public relations spin is real.

Rather than suppress the parody, Gattung needs to start her day with a viewing - as a reminder of how deceptive marketing can spectacularly backfire. Regular screenings might help her think before she blurts - although there is something to be said for getting her to blurt more. At least then something resembling the truth will come out.

There's no doubt such re-indoctrination is going to be difficult - not just for Gattung and Goulter but for many others imbued with the fortress Telecom mentality.

What for example do you do with Telecom's general manager of government and industry relations, Bruce "What monopoly?" Parkes? How many times would the chief architect of Telecom's obstructive tactics on the regulatory front need to watch the parody before he changed his shoes?

The takeoff ad paints a beautiful future - a horde of children walking away from Telecom and marching towards a new world of telecommunications competition where customers have choice. But will people like these - a black-is-white PR spinner, a confusion merchant and a monopoly denier - ever get it? With them still holding the Telecom reins, a competitive future will remain a spoof-ad fantasy.