KEY POINTS:
Small penises are on the rise. That's the unsettling finding from this year's spam analysis survey. For the first time since 2002 when I began this annual trawl through the detritus of humanity, the small penis problem has surged to the top.
Sure, it has been there in other surveys, but never in this magnitude. A whopping 21 per cent of spam was solicitations to buy pills, potions or exercise regimes to do the impossible - augment without surgery a diminutive anatomical appendage.
You have to wonder about the male psyche and what's going on in the world to cause this unprecedented upswing in snake oil. But what's pleasing is that my tireless work in sifting the sewers of cyberspace is beginning to pay off. I began this monumental task six years ago in the hope that one day my forensic analysis, this archaeological dig through cybertime, would deliver new insights into the human condition. Significant trends are indeed emerging.
My methodology is rigorous. Each year at roughly the same time (although I admit I'm a bit later than usual for the 2007 survey) I randomly select 100 consecutive spam emails and categorise their contents. My underlying assumption is, of course, that spam, like everything else, follows the law of supply and demand.
This year I'm happy to report - after careful recalibration to normalise seasonal variations - that this is the year of small assets. That's in sharp contrast to the preceding three years when drugs - accounting for more than 30 per cent of spam - held the number one spot.
Exhortations to buy all manner of pharmaceuticals swept into the lead in 2004, unseating the 2003 incumbent, porn, which took over from get-rich-quick schemes and cheap loans in 2002.
Pharmaceutical traffic of a generic nature was still prevalent this year, but down to 13 per cent, compared with 39 per cent last year. What was also surprising was that specific offers for Viagra, Cialis and other erectile dysfunction drugs had slumped to just 7 per cent. In recent years this category has been around 25 per cent. The statistics raise a puzzling possibility - that the drop in erectile dysfunction drugs is somehow related to the small penis problem.
The other interesting aspect of this year's survey was the broad spread of spam. Unreadable emails - with weird hieroglyphic fonts or odd sequences of squares (possibly a hidden code) were at 13 per cent, the same as last year. Also at 13 per cent was cheap software, which has been in the survey every year but never before at this level. Not far behind (12 per cent) were tips to buy stocks and shares (for example, "Ola Tracey, add this gem to your radar, symbol-chvc. Get in before it's bought out. Desmond").
Interestingly, it is this type of message that consistently out-foxes the company's spam filter.
Next on this list was another perennial favourite, cheap watches (8 per cent), followed by offers of meeting a friend or getting a date (7 per cent). Oddly, porn was virtually non-existent, as were offers of cheap loans. And there was just a smattering of the ever-popular Nigerian scam and offers of online degrees.
But perhaps the most worrying aspect of this year's survey is that despite the passing of the Unsolicited Electronic Messages Act, spam is still increasing. In 2002 it took about a week to collect 100 spam emails. By 2004 I was getting 100 in two-and-a-half days. Last year 100 arrived in just over a day. This year I got 100 in 20 hours.
The escalating spam phenomenon leads to a disturbing conclusion - that perhaps, despite our railing against it, spam fulfils a basic human need. We all know spam communications serve little or no useful purpose, and the bulk of them, now filtered, never get read. But maybe the reason for spam is existential - I spam therefore I am.
How else to explain why the more we do to stop the scourge, the more we get?
* chris.barton@nzherald.co.nz
