Chris Barton: Drugged, impotent and obese

COMMENT

The year is 2595. Following the global holocaust fire of 2004, some humans have survived.

No one knows what caused the catastrophe, but there are many theories.

A computer forensic researcher working in New Zealand has just unearthed an ancient computer and recovered a portion of its hard disk to read 100 emails received in the 2 1/2 days before the calamity.

The report sheds new light on what went terribly wrong.

Assuming the emails were typical of what others were receiving at the time, the researcher establishes that:

The human race was obsessed with buying drugs.

Almost a third of the communications (31 per cent) were exhortations to buy pharmaceuticals online. For example: "Highest-quality drugs we offer. Men's Health, Pain Relief, Weight Loss, Anti-Depressants, Stop Smoking, Muscle Relaxers."

Many men were impotent.

A further 27 per cent of the emails were for male potency drugs such as Viagra and Cialis.

A significant number of men also had small ... er, assets.

Eleven per cent of the emails offered techniques to increase penis size.

Many of the email writers had shocking spelling.

For example: "The only proven metthod to enhtance the giirth and lenught of your peenis!"

Obesity was a problem.

Seven per cent of emails were for dieting potions: "The hehalthy way to lolse fvat and keep it ovff."

Despite the impending disaster, some people were still trying to make money.

Four per cent offered investment opportunities and another 4 per cent proposed get-rich-quick schemes.

Education, relationships, news and general commerce paled in comparison to the desire for drugs.

Only 2 per cent of the emails were for obtaining degrees or getting a date, and the rest were single offers for a range of items, including newsletters, software, ebooks, cable TV and vehicle warranties.

The researcher concludes that something was creating a high state of anxiety across the planet - hence the craving for drugs.

She theorises that toxic radiation was making men impotent and in some cases shrinking their genitals - hence the anxiety.

Anxiety also causes overeating - hence the dieting drugs.

While the need for drugs of various sorts was overwhelming, a few people were either unaffected or in denial, as evidenced by their still trying to sell degrees, dates and other odd items of little use in a holocaust.

Nice hypothesis, but no cigar. How could any researcher of the future know about my spam trap? It's an email address I don't use but which I've kept open for the last three years to monitor spam.

Each year I examine 100 spam emails to establish trends.

This most notable change this year is the increased volume.

Last year I needed a week of email to get 100 spams. The quota is now filled in 2 1/2 days. Yikes, spam really is increasing at an exponential rate.

Bad spelling and punctuation have always been a hallmark of spam, but this year it's deliberate - a technique to bypass the filters that use keywords to block spam.

The other significant change is that pornography no longer features, whereas last year it accounted for 15 per cent.

Similarly, the offers to provide millions of email addresses for spamming and those promising internet riches are both down on last year.

And there is only a slight increase in the number of penis-enlargement pills or dieting drug spams.

Pornography - along with just about everything else - has been swamped by the enticements to buy drugs online.

So what's going on?

Some of the pharmaceutical spam is because of a "re-importation" battle between Canada and the United States.

Americans are using the net to find pharmacies in countries such as Canada where they can buy their US-made drugs much cheaper because of price controls.

Check out www.MinnesotaRxConnect.com as an example. But spam promoting US and other online pharmacies (for example, www.affordablemeds.biz and www.newyerd.com) where online doctors prescribe drugs is also big business.

An American doctor was last month called before a congressional committee to answer questions about a mind-boggling 100,000 prescriptions he has provided over the internet.

But what's most annoying is how this American-centric problem has spilled over to the rest of the world.

Spammers don't care that the importation of prescription medicines is prohibited in New Zealand and many other countries. Hence the indiscriminate bombardment - like a toxic radiation spreading across the planet.

* Email Chris Barton