Finding 'the one' on the web

By RICHARD PAMATATAU

Sit-down comedian and commentator Philip Patston has come to the conclusion after a few months of internet dating that there are a lot of weird guys out there in cyberspace.

Like many in the sea of singles, Patston has taken to the web to see if there is a special someone out there for him.

The man who has made a name for himself poking fun at just about everything in his comedy routines is certainly not the only disabled Kiwi looking for "the one" online, but his high public profile and cerebral palsy condition make his search just that bit more challenging.

"Anyone who would consider a relationship with me will become public property if they are out with me and that is a huge thing for people to face, never mind the wheelchair," says Patston, who is gay.

The red-hair-this-week funny man has for the past couple of months been advertising at online hook-up site NZDating. He's also had a profile at same-sex site Gaydar.

But he's not impressed with either site.

"I don't expect to really find the Mr Right but I ran a search at NZ Dating for gay guys looking for love and there was no one except me.

"I was a category of my own. All the rest just were after casual sex, or sex, and not much else."

There's no special sections for the disabled in the online dating world, but that suits the disabled community which generally hates to be segmented into one part of the web.

Patston has morphed his advert a number of times over the past few months to see what kind of response he would get.

"The torso shots get a good response of one-line sentences which after a bit of too and fro end with an invitation for coffee," says Patston.

"What do you talk about over coffee with a monosyllabic message guy?"

Now he's running a shot that makes him look like a Kiwi joker and that's garnered a few responses. But he's about to bin his advert altogether.

"It's quite disheartening and has shown me Auckland's gay community is very, very dysfunctional.

"If you are not six feet tall, blond and [well] hung you don't have a chance on the internet, and it has enormous parallels with disability issues, racism and other ways of viewing the world," he complains.

"I'm coming to the view that the gay community has got to do a lot of thinking about how it behaves if my experiences online are anything to go by."

There's been some disconnects in Patston's online dating experiences, but he's not giving up.

Self-proclaimed "blindy" Sandra Schmidt has a different view of online dating. She met her partner Adrian at NZDating and they are now living together.

It is very difficult for people with a disability to meet able people because there are so many things "they have to get over", she says. She complains that those browsing her advert often don't read very well.

"My ad says I had a guide dog and the responders ask me if I drive," says Schmidt, who has met a number of men through the web but claims some bring a whole new meaning to the word "weird".

"I met this guy after quite a lot of email and talking and decided to go to his place in Tuakau," she says.

"While I was waiting for him to make me coffee he was in the kitchen doing drugs so I just got in a cab and went home."

People have to recognise that anybody with a disability has a right to a relationship, and that for them the internet is often easier.

She's a veteran of all the singles meeting schemes from Table for Six to Speed Dating. But she found them overwhelming. Despite its pitfalls, the net allowed her to set her own pace with prospective daters.

"I was upfront about being visually impaired and you can tell straight away if that is going to be a problem.

"Also, I like sighted guys because it makes it easier - they can drive you around," she says.

Blind men seem to have fewer problems, adds Schmidt, because they are less fussy. In Schmidt's experience they were content to meet any girl as long as she "has a dress and a pulse".

For blind women there was the natural sense of needing to be looked after, says Schmidt, who always tells her friends about the relationships that start online and has her guide dog with her on dates.

Dunedin writer "John" has been looking for love on the web for years and says that for a guy with cerebral palsy, it's a good way to start conversations with women.

The medium isn't perfect, but getting to a pub or club can be problematic for John, who is up front about his condition from the outset.

His online chats have been pleasant and open. Some back off due to his condition.

After some casual flings, John is keeping his profile at NZDating and now wants a serious relationship.

"I know there is someone out there for me and it's not like I am the only single guy running his own business in New Zealand."

Early twenties disabled educator "Janice" met her live-in boyfriend over the net.

She has spina bifida and says the web is great for "virtual dating".

Petrus Tuerlings is partially blind and has been using the internet to meet women, also employing software to blow up the size of messages.

"My ad even has a picture of me with my guide dog but women seem to get a bit mad when you tell them you are blind," he said.

Tuerlings had made some good friends online, but patience was lacking in some venturing online.

"I traded phone numbers with a woman and she sent me a text message which I had to get someone else to read," says Tuerlings.

"When I called her to say I could not read it she got shirty and hung up on me, but it's not my fault."

After all that, Tuerlings was at a party "in the real world" and met a lovely woman. There have been subsequent dates.

Which shows that online or in the real world, for the able-bodied or disabled, romance is all about timing, communication and a bit of luck. And there's as much of that on the web as there is anywhere else.