Chris Barton: Net just the place for bizarre Christmas gifts

A Christmas Day ritual in our family involves a gathering around the Christmas tree while one of the elder members is dragooned into playing Santa helped by a throng of willing elves.

The room quickly becomes a wonderful chaos of wrapping paper and presents mixed with oohs and ahs, and look-what-I-gots.

Usually the whole thing breaks down when elves abandon their duties to open their own stash. Much sport can also be had in the responses to gift choices - especially if they're a bit weird or unusual.

So, that's what I set out to find this year - bizarre gifts that will add a new dimension to our tribal rite around the tree.

That vast untapped junkyard that is the net provides an unending supply of weirdness - not to mention source material for anyone wishing to do a thesis on the anatomy of bad taste.

I'm thinking ties for the brother-in-law. Josh Bach  does a nice range. But which motif will get the best reaction - Muscle Man, Hula Girls, or Mammoths?

In the end I settle for the postmodern How to Tie a Tie pattern.

Carolyn Forsman conversation jewellery  is an excellent hunting ground for the nieces. Are they too young to appreciate the Wizard of Oz? Never mind - Dorothy Lives (rhinestone ruby shoe, silver toned with wand) will be a good cultural history lesson.

Everyone loves to get music for Christmas - but is my brother ready for Readymade Digs Disney? The Disney songbook meets frenetic Japanese pop.

My particular favourite - Bibbity Bobbity Boo from Cinderella as sung by a Japanese Betty Boop.

Ebay Exclusives is a must-visit too - the only place on the net where you can get a Sponge Bob Square Pants 3D movie masterpiece figurine (pricey at US$100) and a Giant-Sized Crystal Cookie Monster PEZ Dispenser (a steal at US$30). I think my sister will appreciate the latter - especially when I tell her how collectable they are, and that the world record price paid for a PEZ is US$6000. I'll put the PEZheads Online web site on her card (www.pezlist.com).

The 12 Days of Kitschmas - "the best bad taste religious gifts" - has plenty to offend. But I think with all the fuss about the Civil Union Bill this year the Jesus Fairy Christmas tree topper is entirely appropriate.

One of the nephews may also appreciate the Frisbee of Faith - a Gospel presentation "that will get tossed, but never into the garbage!". Featuring on the flipside is a lot of small print about "making your life fly right".

Sadly many of the younger generation never heard of Monty Python, but I'll fix that by giving two of them the Mini Live Parrot (Sleeping) and the Black Knight (with Removable Limbs) - which may be found at the Toy Vault website.

I'm sure they'll be fascinated and before long begging me to sing the Lumberjack song. A junior family member is getting the Turbospoke for his bike. It attaches to the rear chain stay and makes an "amazing variable engine sound just like the real thing" - an update on the playing-card-in-your-spokes trick, and guaranteed to make him popular with the neighbours.

The young relly who does stuff with computers will, I'm sure, appreciate the mince-pie shaped 512MB USB storage device from the USB Mince Pies website - "the Ultimate in Yuletide Technology that brings together the world's favourite festive food and our patented 'no limits' USB technology."

I'm also buying several Glow in the Dark Banana Guards for some of the school-aged members. Who can forget the disappointment of taking a banana to school only to find it bruised and squashed? With this nifty container their troubles will be over.

As a finale I'll download JFK Reloaded for some group fun - although I am a little concerned how the American sister-in-law may react.

The game re-creates the assassination of JFK, letting players take the role of assassin Lee Harvey Oswald and fire three shots at Kennedy's motorcade from a digitally recreated sixth-floor perch in the Texas School Book Depository. It's apparently designed to prove that Oswald acted alone. You lose points if shoot Jackie by mistake. Creepy.

So barring a mass walkout, these gifts should make for a fascinating Christmas Day. And give new meaning to "it's the thought that counts". Merry Kitschmas!